It's Time To Walk Away

I don't know if you'll remember this, but quite some time ago, I wrote a post. My Face Hurts From Smiling. I had just had the most amazing surprise of my life, and had the person that up to that point had been the love of my life come back into my life 20 years later. It was an incredible time. I won't go over those details again, but suffice it to say that it was like a miracle.

Then. He went down a bit of a tunnel and moved in with a friend who he wasn't at all in love with but he didn't want to be alone and that was his reason. Funnily enough, that was the reason he gave me when he cheated on me 20 years before. We weren't together this time. I had, most definitely, and wholeheartedly given him back my heart, but we were not together. So he could do whatever he wanted to do. We live hundreds of miles apart, so it stands to reason that he would seek comfort somewhere. He told me that he had a hard time talking to me, because every time he hung up the phone he felt bad about himself. That my life was a life that he wanted. That he wanted the same things, and he wanted to be happy. It broke my heart to listen to him say all those things, and that was the last conversation he and I had.

It was okay. I let him go. Clearly I was wrong. The miracle was not that he came back into my life because he was the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. The miracle was that we had an opportunity to say to eachother all the things we'd wanted to say for 20 years. That is quite the gift to be given.

So I let him go. I forgot about him. I wished him well in my heart and moved on with my life.

And here he is, 8 months later, texting and calling me tonight from a number I didn't recognize. I called the number when I had a moment and got his voice mail and immediately hung up the phone. No. No way am I going down this road again, I said to myself in the car as I hung up on his voice mail.

After getting a number of his text messages tonight, I called him. He thought I was angry. I'm not angry. So I called him to tell him that. I told him that I am not angry with him at all. And asked why he called me all this time later. He said "because you are a good person and I need good people in my life." He knows that he hurt me and he feels bad. But you know, when you're not willing to be responsible for how your life is going, you are not likely to be responsible for the impact you've had on other people's lives too. So I let that go too.

I just told him..."I can't have someone in my life who thinks I'm a good person and then doesn't honour who I am."

It's weird because I don't feel sad about that. I feel...empowered by that.

I love him. I always have. I care about him and want him to be happy and to have the most awesome life, and...

I deserve more. I deserve better.

I deserve to have people in my life who honour who I am.

I just wanted to share.

I had some amazing comments on Twitter tonight from people sharing their thoughts and honestly, sometimes, I am moved to tears by the insights of people I don't even know. Thank you for being THAT awesome.

Love

xo

Closing Doors, Opening Windows

Every single one of us has had experience with that quote "when one door closes..."

There is something about those doors closing that seem to make so many other things possible.

Remember last summer when I was vying for what I thought was my "dream job"? Well it turns out, me not getting that job was the best thing that ever could've happened. That door closed pretty hard in my face, and I took it pretty hard, but what was so great about that particular door closing was that so much more became possible. I am back to loving my job again. Not because the content is any more interesting or different. But because I love my job again.

I've never shared this here, but I've always had this "secret dream" of becoming a speaker I never really knew what I would speak about, I had assumed perhaps it would be about the arranged marriage. But really, I never knew. I just knew I wanted to be a speaker, and perhaps inspire people. Funny how secret dreams aren't really secrets. People can see them written all over us. We just think we're being so smart by keeping them a "secret". Mostly we keep them a secret because we don't want anyone to know and make fun of us, or maybe even worse than that, we don't want anyone laughing at us.

Well one of the things I realized about my job, is that it really does give me the freedom to do the things I love. I don't know if I mentioned this, and I'm not surprised if I didn't, because it was a secret after all, but I was asked to speak at a women's networking luncheon on February 2nd. It was my first time speaking about The Year of Hugging Fearlessly. I wasn't nervous. I was excited. And it was easy. There were a lot of people there which was somewhat surprising, but it didn't matter. I was ready. I got a few hugs before I started and I have to tell you..I rocked it. I don't generally shy away from speaking in front of groups, so that part was easy, I was worried I might cry, although I didn't. Speaking about something that matters to me as much as that project did...it's easy to speak about what I love.

At that luncheon, I was approached by the Founder of an event called Creatively United for the Planet happening April 21st and 22nd. She asked if I would be willing to speak at their event as well. That was pretty amazing. And then, 2 days later, I got an email from another woman who was at the luncheon who was inspired by my talk and asked if I would be willing to speak at a conference called Breathe Now, which is the weekend before the first event. What's funny about that, is that I was secretly hoping I could speak at that event. And here I am. Speaking. At that event. Along with Bif Naked I might add. You know what else is awesome? Well, you might remember I mentioned in Take a Leap Day that I was going to write to a big Canadian magazine to share the project and suggest an article? Well, would you believe that the Editor of the magazine is also one of the keynote speakers at that event? HOLY MOLY! I've already submitted the story idea and I'll get to meet her too.

Most recently, I was invited to speak at a school in Seattle, dubbed The Kindness School. We're just working out a date for that right now.

So, you see what happens when a door closes?

Something else becomes possible.

So now, I've set a goal. Rather than keep my secret dream a secret, I'm pulling out all the stops, and I suppose I can officially call myself a speaker, I am setting my sights on the TED stage.

Have you ever had the experience of what felt like a door slamming in your face, only to find it was the BEST thing that could've happened to you?

I'd love to hear your stories.

Love
xo

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ Jimmy Dean

PS this post was meant to take a totally different path, but this is where are. I have a feeling with the stories you'll share, I'll be able to write so much more on this.

PPS If you read yesterday's post, you'll be happy to know, I figured out the lunch time meal. It's 330 now and I'm not anywhere near as tired and hungry as I was yesterday. The chocolate/sugar detox headache is still there, but it's duller now. I suspect it'll be gone by tomorrow. I actually feel really great. I can't explain it, but today is a whole lot different than yesterday. I hear Day 3 gets even easier. Tomorrow means I'm half way thru the first week. So awesome!

And in keeping with the theme...this was my Message from the Universe this morning:

"There are no sane reasons to limit a dream, Rita.After all, you don't have to deliver it. I do." Faithfully,
The Universe

OMG I'm SO Hungry!

Ohhhh boy.

So remember about a week ago, I was talking about how I felt like I was waiting for all these things to start so I could start living my life again?

Well, one of those things started. The 8 week fitness and nutrition program. We had our first meeting last night, got measured and weighed with lots of information passed onto us and then we were sent off for our first week. I stopped by the grocery store on my way home to pick up a few last minute items, ground flax seed, apple sauce, chocolate milk? Yep. I didn't start until this morning. I wanted chocolate milk last night. But you know what was funny? I didn't really. I just wanted it because I can't have it anymore. At least not for the next 8 weeks. I didn't even drink it. It'll end up down the drain.

I spent some time figuring out what to have for breakfast that would equal 400 calories (or there abouts), and then sorted out lunch, which I failed at. According to livestrong.com I only managed 289 calories. It's all a learning process though. I'm sure by the end of the week, I'll have it all figured out. I already know that I'm having for dinner which is a plus, except that in thinking about what to have, i'm constantly thinking about food. So that part isn't working so well. But it is what it is.

I'm pretty clear this week will be easy. Yes. There will be challenges along the way, but I want it to be easy. Only 3 meals (at 400 calories) a day, and no snacks. And it's only a week. I have a giant headache right now. I'm sure because what I really want is chocolate and not only can I not have any, but I won't have any, and then I'm telling myself I "shouldn't" be thinking about having any. Oh the things we do to ourselves.

You know, normally for breakfast, I have a protein shake. I love starting my day with one. I have it when I get to work (around 830) and it gets me through until about 1 and I don't even think about eating. But of course, I probably snack and don't even notice. That's the thing about a desk job. One does end up snacking without noticing. Well this morning, of course I had to make sure I got the right amount of calories in, including all the nuts and seeds and additional fibre I had to have.

Well I tell ya...by the time I got to work, I was cranky because I was still trying to finish the apple I needed to eat to round out my breakfast. Not only did I have the protein shake, but I had to include the tbsp of ground flax, AND a banana! Holy man. I was so filled ot the brim by the time I was done, I couldn't even take my multi vitamins after. I tried. I put them in my mouth, and took a swig of water, but then I had to spit them out in the garbage can because I couldn't swallow them. I'm not kidding. I couldn't swallow. ;) (I left that one wide open for anyone who'd like to make a joke)

AND because I was trying so hard to make sure I got all my food in, and sorted out lunch and stuff, that I completely forgot to brush my teeth this morning! Oh man. I have a whole routine, flossing, dental rinse, electric toothbrush...I can't WAIT to get home so I can do that. AND I can't chew gum (no sugar)! YIKES! Thankfully I have dental floss and mouthwash in my desk. That's helped.

I'm sure this isn't exactly what you were expecting to read from me today, but there you have it. THIS is what my day is about. I wouldn't doubt it if I wrote again about this...it is 8 weeks after all. I'm blessed with the BEST buddy in the whole wide world, 4 friends who are doing the program at the same time, and some pretty good discipline when I switch it on. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I still have 30 minutes of cardio and some strength exercises to do when I get home. And since I can't snack after dinner, I may just get those 10 hours of sleep I like to get every now and again. :)

Love
xo