The Adventures of Cinderita

I Dare You...

2012-02-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

When was the last time you did anything for 365 days?

Like...straight through?

And I'm not talking about the obvious. Getting out of bed, sleeping, brushing your teeth. Not like that.

I mean like intentionally taking something on like a project?

I read over at A Human Thing this morning about Judy's friend who has promised to attend a Bikram's yoga class for 365 days. When I read that, all I could think was "holy shit!" I used to go to Bikram's. I know what it takes. The discipline. The scheduling. I did Bikram's for a year, and a half, 3 to 4 times a week. It was awesome. And then my life got bigger, and I didn't have anywhere I could shave 90 minutes away from. Actually more like 2.5 hours, because you have to commit to drinking all the water, and then driving there, finding parking, changing, finding a spot on the floor, laying in savasana for a few minutes and getting used to the heat. It was quite the time commitment. And I loved it when I did it. There is NO way I'd do it now. Just because I wouldn't want to have to sacrifice anything else. And I don't love it anymore. And I do remember what it took to get there every time I went. And to commit to doing it for 365 days? HOLY MOLY! That woman is brave!

I have a friend who has recently moved away to be with her husband after they got married. Makes sense right. She got married. We don't get to keep her once she gets married...sadly. And of course her friends and family are dying to know how her life is over there. Thank goodness for FB. She has always said that she's not much of a share-er..but I beg to differ. I think everyone is, you just have to be given the right motivation. So I shared with her, how great it would be if we knew she was doing great, and what life was like now that she is living where she is and that all of us are curious! So she took on a project to post one photo a day for 365 days related to her life over there. Whether it's her vacumming her bedroom or going out for a bike ride in her neighbourhood. She's basically showing us around. And she's having fun doing it. She didn't post a photo on Saturday. And it's okay that she didn't, but this is what we do. We say we're going to do something and then we bail on it.

It's okay that she didn't post a photo. That's not the point. The point is that everyone in her life has been so excited every day to see what she shares with us, that we've started counting on it. And then slowly, we become less and less reliable for people.

This is just a photo she didn't post. Imagine if it was something bigger?

People are excited to have her sharing every day and then she just got lazy one day and didn't want to. I so get that. Do you know how many times I didn't want to leave the house to get a hug? Oh my word! Those days when all I wanted to do was stay in bed, or on the super rainy days when going out just to get a hug seemed so dumb. Or the day it snowed like mad...But everyone knew I was going to. Everyone was counting on me to do it. But more importantly, I was counting on me to do it. I didn't want to let myself down. There's a powerlessness that comes from letting ourselves down. Even if no one else knows. We could lie and say that we did it, and believe me, I have. As a kid especially. "Did you finish your homework?" "YES!" even though I knew I hadn't. And the more we do that to ourselves, the less we trust ourselves.

Today, a friend of mine shared with me something she wants to do every day for 365 days that sounds terrifying to me. But I know she can do it. She is awesome and there's no way she can fail. Unless she wakes up one morning and doesn't feel like it. Or the circumstances aren't necessarily aligned. OR she has a fight with her husband. Or with me. Or with someone else. Or she has to go to the grocery store. Or she needed to have a shower. Or someone stopped by unexpectedly. Or something happened to her hot water tank. Or she worked late. Or someone said something mean to her. Or she's not feeling well.

Get the picture?

We are constantly coming up against things that get in the way of us doing the things we said we would. Especially when those things are for our greater good. Something that we really want. Something that gets us closer to our ultimate goal. There are so many good reasons to not do the thing we said we'd do. It's not like the world would've stopped spinning if I hadn't hugged someone one day. We know that life keeps life-ing. Except that once I missed one day, then it would've been easier to miss another, and then another, until I simply stopped doing it.

I like to think that the fact that I continued to do what I said I would do is what inspired people. Maybe I'm wrong. But it sure does make me walk a little bit taller knowing that I did that. That I took on something, made up the rules myself, shared it with as many people as I could, and then stuck to it. I have done some pretty awesome things in my life, but nothing has made me prouder to be a human being.

Okay, so...what is something you'd take on for 365 days if you didn't have to do laundry, or you had a bad day, or you have to pick someone up at the airport, or any of those other good reasons you can think of not to...What's something that totally lights you up? That you know would make a difference for you if you were to do it for a year.

I'm going to think of something as well and once I know what it is, I'll share it with you.

It might be cheesy, but I think you've come to expect that from me...

I would hate to disappoint you now. :)

Love
xo

Take a Leap Day

2012-02-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

There is so much happening in my head right now, I only hope that my fingers can keep up.

My heart is pounding fast, and I'm breathing really fast...this could very well be very exciting!

Raise your hand if you remembered that this is a leap year...

I know! It's funny isn't it? Come February, the focus is so much on the month of love, and romance and chocolate and OMG Valentine's Day, that it doesn't even dawn on me that A) this is always the shortest month of the year (which I still don't get by the way) and B) that this year happens to be a leap year.

Do you know what that means?

WE GET AN EXTRA DAY!

For all of us who have ever said "I wish there were more hours in the day, or if only there was another day of the week..." you get your wish! More hours AND a whole other day! An extra 24 hours of life. Only once every 4 years. I like to think that's because someone "up there" doesn't want us squandering it and taking it for granted.

So then, I ask you...what are you going to do with your extra day?

Are you going to live it just like you do every other day? Or...will you do something you've never done before? What if THAT'S what we used our extra day for. What if it was about doing the thing we have been thinking about but never found the time to do?

You've been wanting to get a massage but you've never really had the time...Well. Now you have a whole other day.

You've wanted to go take a flying lesson, but there's just no time. HOW ABOUT DOING THAT ON THE 29TH?

There's no reason why the extra day in our leap year couldn't represent TAKING THAT LEAP!

What if that extra day was the "someday" you've been referring to????

What am I going to do? Well. Let me tell you.

I have found the mailing address for the General Manager of an airline that I would like to have as a sponsor for my new project 10,000 Hugs in 100 Different Cities. As you can imagine, I need an airline as a sponsor if I hope to complete this project in the next 5-10 years. :) I am going to write to him and request the sponsorship.

I also have the mailing address now, for the Ellen DeGeneres show. Enough of this tweeting and facebook fanpage posting. It's not working. The electronic letter writing campaign didn't work. So. I'm going to write a hand written letter to her, and just tell her about the project and get her excited and on board for it. You just never know what kind of power the hand written word has, given it's not so common anymore.

Finally, there is a Canadian magazine that I am a big fan of. It's called Chatelaine. I remember as a kid thinking it was boring, because it was. Recipies and stories about women doing things in life, or surviving cancer and stuff. That's not so exciting to a kid. But about a year ago, I had a short term subscription and grew to love the magazine, and all of their recipies and amazing articles on the women doing things in life. So inspiring. Well. (Just so you know, I cringe as I say this), I want to be in that magazine. Mostly I want my project to be featured in their magazine. So, I'm going to send them a story idea.

Those are the first 3 things I thought of. And I'll be honest, I have a very nervous feeling in my chest, and I feel a bit nauseous.

But in a good way. In the drivers' seat of life. I like it.

And I'm sure if I try really hard, I can come up with something somewhat dangerous to do for the blockbuster that is my life...

A few stunts...maybe jumping off the side of a building...ah who am I kidding? That's what Tom Cruise is for. Me..? I'm more about the other stuff. Doing the stuff that scares the shit out of me, and doing it anyway. Yah. Bam!

Or as Joel Runyon would say...BOOM!

So, I'm hereby declaring Wednesday, February 29th TAKE A LEAP DAY!

What leap will you take?

Any leap will do. So long as it's a leap. Tell me! Share it! Tell your friends. Let's start a leap movement!

So exciting!

Love
xo

The Sh*t We Make Up

2012-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

There's a moment, when you're feeling disconnected from someone who really matters to you. Something happened, or you've been missing him/her, and you haven't had a chance to get together or talk for eons and you suddenly realize it. Then you start to feel a bit sad about it. Wondering if perhaps he/she might be mad at you. Or maybe it was that thing that happened several weeks ago, and maybe there' something you need to say about it...

Suddenly one day you wake up and it's all you can think about. "Why hasn't he/she called me?" "I didn't do anything, why would they be mad at me?" Then you start to scrutinize tweets, or FB posts. "Such a phony." "Yah right he/she loves me." "Sure...whatever." You start to make up sh*t. I know you know what I'm talking about. The sh*t we make up can kill a relationship just like that.

We've all done it. The sh*t we make up is usually not very nice. A very nasty flavour to it. Like some of what I mention above, and also things like "That's not who she/he really is. Fake." "She doesn't really love people like she claims to." Get the picture? You start to get mad. A sick feeling starts to move into your belly. You start watching to see if she/he is on FB commenting on stuff, or making plans w/others, or photos start to pop up and suddenly you jump to the conclusion that you weren't invited to something.

Is this experience starting to sound familiar?

I've been there. I've done that. I've had those thoughts. Ugh. I'm not proud of it, but sometimes, it happens. Sometimes, we go to this place of being afraid that someone close to us might not love us anymore. We're human beings. It happens. We start to feel threatened. Of what...doesn't matter. The feeling is there. And then we run with it.

Recently, there have been 3 people in my life who had that experience. They were feeling disconnected from me, in one way or another, and then didn't share that with me. Perhaps because they weren't sure what it was they were feeling. They were just angry that I wasn't there. They made up a bunch of stuff. Because as I mention above, that's what we do. Usually it's because we're hurt, or sad or disappointed, but it comes out in anger. Every notice how anger is so much easier to express than any of the others? It's a default position for many of us..it sure as heck is for me. What's ironic, is when I get super angry, I usually start to cry, which you'd think would be my first indicator, but I ignore it. I lash out. I say stuff. It's never pretty.

Sometimes, all it takes is letting that someone know you miss them. Sometimes, if you've been stewing long enough, it can be hard to hear it. I could come along and tell you I miss you and you might think "Whatever!" When I really do miss you. But you've been making sh*t up and it might take some time for me to now penetrate that wall. Course, sometimes, it doesn't go that way. Sometimes, the stuff you made up is so real for you, that you can't even stand to look at me. Sometimes, the stuff we make up, can end a friendship with someone who matters very much to you/me.

Last night, I had an opportunity to have a conversation with someone who is very important to me. He and I have been friends for a number of years, and we have supported eachother through a whole lot of stuff in life. He is now living in Central America living his dream, far away from home, often not able to connect with those he would like to connect with. Living the life of your dreams doesn't always mean that every day is easy and that you're not going to need your friends. As someone who has been away from home for months at a time, it is so important to maintain the connection. FB is so great for that, blogging also works, Skype calls are a blessing, emails are even better, hand written letters rock and better still, a visit every now and again from a friend means the world.

Something happened about 2 months ago, that led to an upset, and although via email we did clear it up as much as one can via email, we hadn't spoken in about 2 months. That doesn't really work. As you can imagine, he started to feel like he wasn't all that important to me, and I was thinking he was mad at me. blah blah blah. He and I have a really great connection and he is a very dear friend who I would do pretty much anything for, so when I think back on it, I can totally see how I can be responsible for leaving him with this horrible experience of not being important to me. Even though it was never my intention.

In our conversation, I just asked him if there was anything there for him to say, and he had an opportunity to say it all. And bless him, he kept trying to say it in such a way that he wouldn't hurt my feelings or anything. It was a struggle. Until I finally just told him, go ahead and say it. We can clean up the mess later. I was just so committed to him being able to say it all and making sure that there was nothing between us that would keep us from being connected.

He got to say it all, he got to the bottom of it, and of course knew that it had nothing to do with me, however, I did trigger some stuff for him. I appreciated so very much that he was willing to have that conversation with me. That our relationship was important enough to him to share all that was there, versus just ignoring it or pretending it wasn't. That is what's so damaging to any relationship. Especially the closest ones.

It makes me sad when I think about the things that I've made up about people...how much I don't matter to them, only to find out that isn't the case at all.

It can be a very humbling experience.

Please please PLEASE..I beg of you. The next time you notice you're angry with someone, because you're feeling disconnected...please please please be willing to have a conversation about it. I know that sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and we'd rather be angry than talk about feeling unimportant...but please. It will make such a difference...for you AND for the person you share with.

I didn't mean to for this to sound preachy or me telling you what to do. So if it comes across like that, I do apologize. That wasn't the intention. I didn't actually even know what I was going to write about until my fingers hit the keyboard.

It just matters to me...a lot.

Love
xo

Endings and New Beginnings

2012-02-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, January 31st, I completed something. The Year of Hugging Fearlessly. A year long project where every single day for 365 days, I connected with and hugged someone new and then documented it by taking a photo.

A project that I came up with just because I wanted to connect. It mattered to me to do that. I am good at meeting new people. I'm an extrovert so for me it's easy. That's not to say that it isn't still a challenge sometimes, but it's one of those things that I knew would stretch me out of my comfort zone. And I think you know me well enough to know that I enjoy stretching myself...and others out of their respective comfort zones.

The most remarkable thing about the past 365 days (I started on February 1st, 2011) is that I can tell you what I was doing and who I was with and where I was, for every single one of those days because I was present for each day, and I have a photo of every single day. It's not often we are aware of what we did for an entire year...

Tuesday, January 31st was Day# 365. For about 8 weeks leading up to the end I would hyperventilate thinking about it. The idea of not getting my hugs every single day...My heart did not respond well to the idea of it. I could feel I wanted to continue but I didn't know what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to roll the project over into something else, but I wasn't sure what. And then last Thursday, I got really clear about it.

Because The Year of Hugging Fearlessly was very structured, and was ending after 365 days, it didn't feel right to extend it, or to try and milk more from it. I think part of why it was so well received, was because it was tangible. There was an end...and people respond well to goals like that. But until I had something new to step into, the "end" was just that. An ending. What would I do without it? How would my life look now? What would get me out of bed every morning?

The night of the celebration, a dear friend came over to give me a hug and she was visibly moved. "I'm so proud of you Rita" she said to me. She apologized for being moved, and for me, it meant so much that she was so touched by it. There are a lot of people who were impacted by this project, as simple as it was, so it means a lot when I can hear that. A few people asked me if I was sad about it...the ending. My response was the same. "If I didn't know what I was doing next, yes, absolutely I would be sad."

There's something to be said for creating a future and then living into it. Like when you get married. You get engaged, you set a date for your wedding and then you spend the next year or so planning it, until the big day. It's giving yourself a future to live into. I did that. And I felt very complete with The Year of Hugging Fearlessly. I had gotten a couple of hugs that morning, so for me, I was complete with it. I had done what I had set out to do. Connect and hug someone new every day for 365 days in 5 different countries. With a total of 1014 hugs. I knew that I would never be the same, and what I had started to see glimpses of along the way, is that my environment also was forever changed. The people in my life who followed along closely, or who traveled with me or who watched me struggle to ask for hugs sometimes, I had created an environment that was inspired by my project. That made a big difference. As you can imagine, this isn't the kind of project you want to undertake on your own.

So no. I wasn't sad. The project had far exceeded my expectations, and had touched a lot of lives. What more could I ask for?

I have created a new project. Starting right where the year left off.

10,000 Hugs in 100 Different Cities.

I get to incorporate my love of connecting and hugging with my other passion - travel.

I am working on a website. Actually, I haven't started it yet, but it's time for a website.

I'm taking my hugs on tour.

Maybe to a city near you.

Let me know if there are any cities you think I should definitely visit. I don't have a lot on my list as yet, because I would love some input. I spoke at a luncheon today and someone suggested I get sponsored to drive across the country hugging people. I like the idea...I finally get to live like the rockstar I like to think I am. :)

Thank you for your constant support as I made my way through the 365 days. Thank you for listening to the radio interviews, watching the news segments, reading the guests posts, and joining the fanpage, and all the other things you did that I don't even know you did. I couldn't have done any of that without you. I'm not kidding.

Let me know if you have any ideas for the new project. I want to hug people at big events. Lots of people in a city..concerts, conferences and the like.

I have a feeling it'll be created as I go.

Wanna come out and play?

Love
xo

People Are Awesome

2012-02-01T13:12:00.001-08:00

Ever stop to think how awesome the people in life are. Not just the people in your life right now, but even the people you don't know?

There are people just waiting to be known by you who are more awesome than you can ever imagine...I have been noticing it more and more. I live by one rule. That people are awesome. Sometimes, we don't give them reason to be. So they don't show up that way. But generally, people are fcuking awesome. I mean. Like...CAPITAL A-wesome. Most people are just waiting for an opening to be that for someone else. We don't always provide the space for it, but it's true.

How do I know? Well. Because I had the pleasure of meeting 1014 new awesome people this past year. Someone new everyday, remember? All awesome.

But more than that..do you know how else I know?

Because last week, when I was in San Francisco, I met Judy. Judy of Zebra Sounds, and the Year of Loving Fearlessly and A Human Thing and loving fearlessly and being a Love Warrior. THAT Judy. The same Judy who inspired the hugging project. The same Judy who changed the course of my life and really has no idea.

She wrote about something that mattered to her. I heard whatever I heard in it, and I ran with it. I turned it into something that I could never have imagined. She was the catalyst. She is awesome.

Last Thursday night, we had dinner. Getting together, nervous, like a blind date. I had a brief moment of "what if she's not as awesome as I think she is" and she had a moment of "What if she thinks I'm not awesome"...and within 3 minutes or so...we were giggling and laughing and talking freely. Realizing the awesomeness in eachother. The same thing that brought us together on line is the same thing that kept us together for 4 hours last Thursday night. I had an opportunity to share with her in person how she's changed my life and to thank her for giving me "permission" to unleash the love I had inside me. I just didn't have the words for it, and she gave words to what I always felt. For that, I will be forever grateful.

Meeting Judy, for me, was tantamount to meeting Bruce Springsteen. She is my rockstar. She is my badass love sprinkling fairie whose path I was fortunate enough to come into contact with, forever changed.

That's enough evidence of how awesome people are, isn't it?

But wait. I have more.

While I was having dinner w/Judy, we thought it would be fun to post a photo to Twitter since it's what brought us together. I tagged the location, and another follower let me know he was only 10 minutes away and he wanted his hug. When I had a moment, we made arrangements to meet on Sunday. We set it up, and Sunday morning, got an early start to visit another friend of mine I hadn't seen in about 3 years. We arrive at our destination, and this Twitter friend texts me to tell me he's nervous. I thought that was adorable, and reassured him it would be awesome. Not a moment later, he walked through the door, and within 5 minutes, it was like we'd known eachother forever.

All 3 of us (I was traveling with a friend) got on like a house on fire, and about a half hour into the conversation he offered to be our tour guide to show my friend (her first time) as much of the city as possible since we were leaving the following day. We handed over the keys to our rental car, and put our trust in him, completely. He was so easy to be with and so much fun, and has a voice you definitely want to read you bedtime stories, and so good natured, and kind and generous and downright awesome. He literally, took us all over town. Lombard Street, the Golden Gate Bridge, Dolores Park, Fisherman's Wharf, Coit Tower..I mean..everywhere. He even came with me while went in search of the Wishing Tree in Noe Valley, which we didn't find but we did look, which to be honest, is half the awesome.

We dropped him back off at his truck at 530, and bought his wife a gift to say thank you for loaning us her husband for the day. I think we all cried when we parted. We definitely hugged more than once, because none of us wanted the day to be over.

My friend and I got back into our car and drove away, and spent much of the rest of the evening talking about how awesome he was. How the day turned into a miracle. I'm not kidding. A miracle. How often do you hear of things like that happening? How often do you trust a stranger like that?

All we did was listen to our intuition. We knew he was a good guy...and all he did..all day, was prove us right.

I'm telling you. People are freaking awesome.

And now, my life is that much richer for knowing both Judy and Dan and others I hope to meet along the way.

What I want to know is when was the last time you let someone be THAT awesome?

When was the last time YOU let yourself be that awesome?

What's it going to take for you to do it over and over again?

Imagine if we all related to eachother as awesome...what kind of world we'd live in.

I will forever be grateful to the Judy's and the Dan's of the world. They make it so easy to be awesome.

I think I might very well have crushes on both of them...no. Seriously.

Love
xo

The Year of Living Dangerously?

2012-01-24T14:45:00.000-08:00

Ohhhhhhh!!

I'm practically vibrating inside my own skin today. I am SO excited and freaking out and excited and then freaking out again...and then just excited. It's like a cycle that I can't seem to stop..and although it's kind of making me dizzy, I really don't want it to stop.

Okay, ever have one of those light bulb moments that just kind of tilts the earth slightly and you know that no matter how hard you try, you'll NEVER be the same person again?

OOOO I had one of those moments last night.

I discovered I am a righteous bitch! Holy moly! Not like my life is perfect, but I am totally righteous about it when someone else's isn't. Ugh. I scrunch up my face just typing that line. I discovered last night that it's because I don't know what the f-bomb I'm doing, and so it makes my skin crawl (that's creative use of dramatic flair) when I see others flailing about not knowing what the f-bomb THEY are doing. And ever since I figured out that I don't know what the f--bomb I'm doing...holy crap. What I notice is that no one does! Ha! It's not just me! Do you have any idea how good that makes me feel??

Not because I want people I love to be flailing, but just that others do flail. And what's even more awesome about it is that these same people are flailing because they are jumping into life with both feet and they don't really know what the f-bomb to do so they are making mistakes and failing and falling and doing all that stuff that life is about...and here's me...over here..not doing that, being all righteous and making them wrong for flailing. *hangs head*

I know, I know. It doesn't make me a bad person, but I don't wanna be that person. I don't want to be someone that people are afraid of sharing somethin with because I'm going to give them shit for something. I am committed to so much more than that.

So last night I was able to have a conversation with a friend who means so much to me. She is super fun and adorable and so very generous. And although we are pretty close, we have this awkward way of being with eachother, and after I saw this righteousness about myself, I was able to apologize to her and let her know what I'd been doing and to share with her how much she matters to me and that although my intention is to be helpful and to make a difference, it doesn't always come across that way.

It was so great to say all that. Well it was great to see it AND then to share it with her.

And then it got me to thinking..what would be it be like to live life dangerously like that? To be willing to fail and fall and stumble and flail with not a care in the world of what others might think? I got to thinking about Tom Cruise's character in Mission Impossible. It's not like he knows what he's stepping into each time he does. (I know this is a movie, and there's a script and all that, but just go with me on this one). Sort of like MacGyver. They never know what predicament they will find themselves in but they always find action packed and creative ways to get out of it. And no one in the audience points and laughs when they accidentally blow something up, or kill someone in the scuffle. No, it's all part of the action packed movie we paid $12 to go and see.

So why can't we just let people buy their popcorn and pop and any other snacks they want, to watch us flail around and be completely ridiculous and fail over and over, and just keep getting back up and doing it again. Imagine Tom Cruise walking through a big ball of fire, wiping his hands on a cloth and saying out loud "Well that didn't go so well. Let's try that again shall we?" only in this scenario, I'm Tom Cruise, and I'm a girl, and much cooler, and hotter even. Oh and younger. :)

I sent out an email this morning sharing this revelation with a few friends and one of them came back with a response that said "Goodbye Year of Hugging Fearlessly. Hello Year of Living Dangerously!"

AWESOME!

Who wants to join me in your very own action packed blockbuster this year??

I bet flailing is way more fun when done as a group!

Love
xo

It's a Charmed Life

2012-01-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

Last week, I had a number of people ask me the same question:

"What do you DO that you get to live the life you live?"

In a million years, it never would've occurred to me that my life would be worth asking me about. Don't get me wrong, my life is awesome, but I just expect that others have awesome lives too.

So the first time I got the question, it was via a FB email. A friend who is considering a career change and what do I do that gives me the freedom to travel and do the things I do etc. I loved that she asked the question . I was able to tell her that I don't have an exciting job. It's a desk job, that I do every day. I like my job. I have come a long way with that. I actually like coming to work every day. If you've been reading for awhile, you'll remember it wasn't always like that. Again I say, not getting the "dream job" was one of the best things that could ever have happened in my life. I now have an appreciation for my life that I didn't have before. So my job is just a regular job. The government is the "industry" here so a lot of people work for the government.

Yes we have great benefits, 4 weeks holidays and all that, but it's more than that. Having this job, although it may just be a "regular" job, gives me the freedom to do the things I LOVE to do. Yes, working for the government, definitely gave me a leg up when it came to the job in Beijing and the job at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Not because of the job I do, but more so because of my skill set outside of this job. What I do everyday wouldn't impress anyone. At least I don't think so. Personally I think it's how I create around what I do everyday that perhaps is more impressive.

In 2006 I went on my first overseas holiday. A week in England with my mum and my aunt. The 3 of us stayed with a good friend of mine and we had a great week together. Then, I left them to go off and explore Paris, while I flew to South Africa to meet my sister. It was a GIANT trip. I had NO idea Jo'burg was 11 hours from London. I was terrified to get on the plane. I was scared almost the whole time. I stretched myself past every single comfort zone I think I ever had. My sister and I spent 6 weeks touring through Zambia, Zimbabwe and South Africa. Then when I came home, I spent 2 nights in Vancouver, repacked a suitcase and then flew to NYC for 5 days with my BFF.

I'd never done anything like that. That was the moment when I became someone who travels. It had always been something I "dreamed" about, or talked about. And then I made it a reality. After I got home, I started to cut out expenses. Silly things, I quit the water club at work which was costing me $5 a month, and I disconnected 2 of the cable outlets in my house which saved me another $14 a month. I stopped going in for haircuts every month (my hair was VERY short then) and I started going every 2 months. Saved me approximately $40 a month. It was all the little things, that I had never paid attention to before. It becomes really easy to just pay for things that we're just so used to paying for. Like a habit. Well, I mixed things up a little bit.

Once I'd done that, I opened a travel account. Not like there is a special fund that the bank has. That's just what I called it. My "travel account". To which money goes in EVERY single payday without fail, and I can only access it via online and it takes 3 business days to get the money and my promise to myself was that I would ONLY use it for travel. And I'm not talking about a weekend in Seattle or something like that. I am talking about airfares and the like for my 6 weeks in Europe, or the trip to Kauai that I'm taking in May (which is already paid for).

It just matters to me THAT much. I'm not willing to do without travel as part of my life, so this is how I make it happen.

In hindsight, I am so grateful that she asked the question. Because it gave me a chance to become aware of how far I've come when it comes to living a life that I love. Someone else asked the same question and referred to my life as "charmed". When I looked up the word "charmed" in the dictionary, it says "extremely lucky or prosperous." I can tell you quite honestly, there isn't anything "lucky" about my life.

Luck isn't really a "thing". I subscribe to the "we create our lives". Sometimes, I practice the Law of Attraction like it's a religion and it works for me. And sometimes, I forget that it works for me.

There's something to be said for creating the life you want.

And believing it's possible is the first step.

So why am I telling you this? Well because I thought it was relevant to the ongoing "passion" conversation.

I believe that I am passionate about my life...and that's why on the outside it looks the way it does. It looks that way on the inside too, but it's my life, so I forget sometimes that it's not normal.

So..let me ask you something.

If you believed that it's possible for you (if you aren't already living it) to have a life that inspires you (and others) what would that life be like?

I really want to create something new here for myself and maybe for others. So would really love to hear what you have to say.

And if what you want to say is to tell me to pound sand..that's okay too. Let's just start that conversation.

So often we forget to stretch ourselves out of our comfort zones, and I fear I may have started doing that...So can we chat about that?

Love
xo

I Don't Know What the F-Bomb I'm Doing

2012-01-19T14:58:00.000-08:00

I hadn't intended for my last post to end up being a series of questions. I realized after I'd written it that it wasn't at all what I even thought I was going to be writing about. But you know how sometimes, words just seem to flow out of your fingers and you don't know where they came from?

It was like that.

And I'm so glad it happened. I got several emails from friends who had read it who shared what they saw for themselves and that they'd started asking themselves a few questions, specifically related to their own lives. That was really all I needed to hear to know it was the perfect thing for me to have written when I did.

About 2 weeks ago, I discovered something about myself. Something that has served as the background "soundtrack" of my life for many, many MANY years and it wasn't until 2 weeks ago that I got to hear it on loud speaker. You and I both know we all have noise that fills our heads with thoughts that actually aren't true. Things we make up and things we think about ourselves, and perceptions we have about what someone said. We have come to a point in life, where the placement of an exclamation mark "means something". Or if we end a sentence with "lol" it somehow makes it okay to make a passive aggressive remark, so long as the "lol" follows it. I say that because I've done it. I always know when the statement doesn't ring true for me, when I have to think about whether that "lol" is required or if the "!" needs to be there. And I know I'm not alone in that.

So there I am, sitting on my couch in the living room at about 245 in the afternoon one Saturday when my friend "Bill" calls. We had a slight flareup and so we got that out of the way first, (which only took a minute) and then we got onto more exciting topics. One of which was that I had a friend coming over in 15 minutes so our conversation got deep really fast. I don't remember what I said, but she went on to share that last year, she had had a chat with a mutual friend about why she was single. This mutal friend had asked her "You know "Bill", I don't get it. You are so smart and so amazing and beautiful...so why are you creating yourself as single?"

Whoa. That's a pretty loaded question isn't it? By including the 2 words "creating yourself" in the question, the responsiblity lands squarely in her lap. Why ARE you creating yourself as single when you're so awesome? Now, I know, even quite recently, I've asked myself the question.."I am awesome..I don't understand why I'm still single." But it hadn't really occured to me that I was "creating myself" that way.

"Bill's" response was "Well, I need to get my shit together first, and then I'll be ready for a relationship. (*noise* - my life is a mess and i want to get my finances in order, and I need to lose the muffin top and and and) This mutual friend repeated back what "Bill" had just said and when she did, I guess for "Bill" it was quite enlightening. She was waiting for life to look a certain way before she could have what she wanted. She wanted to be married. She'd broken things off with the person she is now married to and they weren't even speaking. So during the course of this weekend, and after she'd had this conversation, she called her (now) husband and he wasn't even speaking to her (did I say that already?) and she shared all this with him. It's not like she told him what she'd discovered and what she really wanted and then all of a sudden he had forgiven her. No. It took a number of crunchy conversations before he was willing to trust her and she, herself, and for them to get to a place where they could get married.

As "Bill" shared this lovely story with me, it was like a lightbulb went off for me. There is no feasible explanation as to why I'm single. I am such a f*kcing catch! Seriously! I even own my very own house! I drive a pretty hot car. I am awesome. I have awesome friends. I have a family I adore, and the list goes on and on...so then why? People have said that to me for years. "You know Rita, I just don't get why you're single." I have asked friends..."Do you think there's something wrong with me?" I've asked them "Do you think I'm missing something? Like, am I not that nice a person...or do I need to "fix" something about myself." blah blah blah Ugh.

Well in this very quick 15 minute conversation, I saw what the background soundtrack of my life is. Seriously! "I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing." (it makes sense to use the full word in this context). And until I know what the FUCK I'm doing, I couldn't possibly get into a relationship. I don't want anyone to see that I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing. OMG I'd be so embarrassed (or whatever) if someone knew that. So, I find I try and perfect who I am in friendships...and then something happens, like my relationship ending with my bff after 18 years, and then I have more "evidence" that I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing. "Look, I can't even get that right..."

After I hung up the phone, my other friend came over and we had an awesome visit that lasted well over 3 hours, and I shared with her my lightbulb moment. She got a lot out of that conversation for herself also, because let's face it..we ALL have background soundtracks. We just have been listening to it for so long, it's just a regular playlist that we've drowned out with all the other noise. While I'm talking to her about my lightbulb moment, I realize that because "I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing", there are things I haven't said to people that I really want to say. Well..except that I don't really want to say them, because then it will change things. But..I can't not say it anymore.

I think there comes a point in life where life matters more than it does to not be honest.

So, I spent the rest of the week sharing with the people I hadn't been sharing with. It wasn't that I even expected them to say anything in return. It wasn't about that. It so much wasn't about how they responded as it was about me just saying it. The biggest one, the one that matters the most to me, I haven't heard from yet. And as much as I'd love to hear from them, it doesn't really matter in the sense that I feel freed up in just having said it. They can take all the time they need.

And you know what else I learned through the week? That "I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing" is rampant. It isn't just in the area of relationships. It's everywhere. "I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing" so I haven't written my books yet. "I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing" so I haven't found a new job yet. Whatever. It's all there. And like i said..we get so used to hearing the soundtrack that we forget it's even there.

Until someone suddenly hits pause.

Now, it's like someone turned the high beams on. I had all the conversations I needed to have last week. And by Friday, there was so much space in my heart/chest/head and so little noise, that I started writing both of my books. I started with the hugging project and within about 20 minutes, I had my first 2000 words. When I came home that night, I wrote another 1500. Then I also started writing my Monsoon Wedding book. The story is all there. Waiting to be told, but until I could look past "I don't know what the FUCK I'm doing" it was NEVER going to be written.

And I think the biggest gift I've gotten out of that discovery is that no one knows what the fuck they are doing. Relationships fail. We lose jobs. We fail in friendships. Sometimes we say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, or don't do the right thing, or whatever it is. Failure is a part of life. Failure has, for so long been considered taboo. "Ohhh I don't want you to fail." Well, no of course you don't. No one does.

But the reality is we would never think to tell a child not to start walking...because we fear they might fail. Because we already know, the first 20 or 30 times they stand up to do it, they will fall. Falling is the same as failing. Falling is also a part of life.

So is failing...

Now I'm curious if you saw something for yourself out of me just sharing about my lightbulb moment...and what do you think the background soundtrack of your life might be...?

...to be continued

Love
xo

Exploring Passion

2012-01-17T11:49:00.001-08:00

How do you feel about failing?

When you take on something new, do you wait until you know what you're doing or do you just do it?

Do you have reasons and excuses why you aren't doing something? Like really really good reasons?

Do you find yourself feeling like you need to defend yourself when it comes to how awesome you are? e.g. "Look, I'm awesome. I don't need to change anything. I don't want to change who I am."

Do you have areas in your life that may not suck, but they could be better? e.g. you want to travel but you don't have the money/resources; you want to buy a new car but...; or you want to get married but you haven't met "the one" yet.

Do you often find yourself inspired by something, or someone and find yourself thinking "Ohh I totally wanna do that" and then do nothing?

Are you pretty sure you already know how something is going to go, which is why you haven't done it yet? Because there might not be any point?

Do you find yourself waking up every morning wondering if "this is it"?

If you answered yes to any one of these, I have another question for you.

Why?

Why are you not taking actions?
Why are you simply coming up with more excuses?
Why aren't you jumping into life with both feet?
Why haven't you asked that girl/guy out (or at least let them know you're interested)
Why does this have to be it?
Why do you keep reading all the inspired blogs, or the personal development books if you're not actually going to do anything?
Why do you think someone else will be more successful than you?
Why do you think you don't have everything you want in life?

Why do you think you aren't equally as powerful, important or risk taking as someone else?

and...

Are you really okay with all that?

...to be continued

Love
xo

Transformation (of the Blog)

2012-01-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

I don't mind telling you. I can't stop staring at my re-design. I am in LOVE w/the back ground photo. It's one that was sent to me by fellow blogger Emily (who I will introduce you to properly once it's all done) early last year as part of my heart collection and it was PERFECT. It's got hearts. It's got travel maps. It's got pink. It's got everything! I know the design is quite different from the last one. And that is kind of the point. It may take a little getting used to, as change always does, but I have to tell you...I am in LOVE with it. I made the mistake of starting on it last night at 10pm, when I was thinking of going to bed. I kind of wish I had gone to bed because then I stayed up until midnight, and then was so excited about it I couldn't sleep till almost 1 and then woke up again around 4 and never really did fall back to sleep. THAT'S how excited I am about it.

I have more things I'd like to add, more stuff I'd like to move around, but for today, it's perfect.

You'll notice I moved the 2011 Weblog Award Nominee badge to the bottom. That's because I was nominated, but did not get shortlisted in either category.

I love the new option for the Twitter link. This is my 4th time changing the link. I'm not sure why, but they do seem to expire, so if you do have one, be sure to click on it every now and again. You just never know if it goes to the right place.

I have something I really want to share with you, but I'll post it tomorrow.

In the meantime, I just wanted to explain what was going on over here in Cinderitaville.

It's a brand new year, so filled with passionate things. I thought my blog needed to reflect that.

Love Love Love
xo

Awesome Stuff #1

2012-01-13T10:15:00.001-08:00

I almost don't want to write another post today. I loved my post from yesterday. As sad as it made me while I wrote it, it just poured out of me, and the comments that I got back were extraordinary! Thank you for that. If you haven't read it, go do that okay? Just so I know you have. I'm pretty proud of that one. Mostly because of how far I've come since then. But it really is a good one and you'll likely kick yourself for missing it. Go on. I'll wait. No really..we'll wait for you. It's okay.

Okay, so are you back? Did you read it? Did you leave a comment? 'Cause you know how much I love comments from you.

Well, it's been awhile since I did my last What I Loved post. Don't worry I've been compiling all the things I loved. But..I realized that everyone seems to be doing different variations of the What I Love Wednesday Post and that's not really how I want to do it. So, I'm changing things up. Some days, It might be What I loved Wednesday. Others, it might be Fantastic Finds Friday, or THIS! Thursday. But since today is Friday, let's go with Fantastic Finds shall we? (I only wish there was a day of the week that started in A, because that would be called Awesome Stuff). Oh wait. That's what I'm going to call it. Awesome Stuff. That I just want to share with you because I think you'll love it as much as I did.

Okay. Well let's get on with our very first Awesome Stuff post shall we? (in hindsight, I'll likely change the name but for now..let's think of it as a "working title".)

These are things I compiled during the holidays that made me weep, or laugh, or smile, or just get plain excited.

1. My new Blogcrush is with Thinking2Hard. Especially after reading "Why Do We Make it So Hard". I think you'll probably see why when you've read it.

2. I stumbled upon Masala Mama by accident and am THRILLED that I did. At first I wasn't sure why I was drawn to a post called "Beatlemania is Wrecking Our Household" but then...as I read and laughed and scrolled down and kept laughing, I started to figure out why..and THEN I got to the end...You'll be so glad to get to the end. I played this for my nephews all thru the holidays. They loved it.

3. The GoddessLife is not a regular read for me..but when I see a title like "Excuse me, Your Awesome is Showing"...how do I resist it? It's awesome!

4. THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO EVER:

5. If you're not already a follower of TamariskD either on FB or on Twitter, I highly recommend her. She's awesome and fun and funny AND she writes things like "How To Host A Party In Your Heart". Why wouldn't you want to follow her?

6. My blog crush Joel Runyon wrote a post called "Nice People Don't Change The World" and all I can tell you is that he's awesome. The post is awesome. And well...I have a crush on him because of all the awesome.

And speaking of Joel, I asked him if he'd be willing to write a guest post on Passion for me given this is the year of it. He agreed. I am dying to see what he writes. I also have a guest post from my friend Jason at Love Letters and Suicide Notes who has written something that I'll be sharing with you soon.

If you have something you'd like to share about Passion, your view on it, or an experience you've had where you have been passionate about something and what happened...or other things related to being passionate, I'd love to hear from you. My email address is over there on the right, and please, tell your friends. The more perspectives about Passion for my year the better. I'll be writing something soon about my own view on it, and I'd love to share the whole experience with you.

Have yourself an incredible weekend.

Love

Alive & Flourishing

2012-01-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there lived a guy in England, and a girl who was from Canada. Using the magic of Facebook, they were able to meet (online) and develop an extraordinary friendship. They spoke on the phone 2-3x a week, they wrote to each other always, and when they discovered Skype they used that too. They both changed their cell phone plans so they could talk and text more often. They changed their long distance plans at home so it wasn’t costing as much. Text messages between them became a regular occurrence. She went to China for several months, and he cancelled his trip to Japan for his brother’s wedding when he found out she was planning a trip to England to meet him...

Well the “she” in this scenario is me. The “he” in that scenario is someone I fell madly in love with over the course of a year. I took the biggest chance of my life, getting on a plane and flying all the way to England. I already knew this was the guy I was going to marry. We had talked about it. In fact, because we sent each other things in the mail all the time, he already had a key to my house. For a very long time he’d talked about how one day he would surprise me and just be waiting on my doorstep for me when I got home from work. Well, I didn’t want him to be cold when he did that, so I’d sent him a key.

Honestly, even as I was thinking about writing this I was cringing. I was cringing at the insanity of it all. We had talked for so long, and had created such a foundation for an amazing relationship. We both used to joke that the only reason we went on any dates was simply because we were filling time until we could get together. We used to talk about all that stuff, especially the future. He didn’t want me to move to England because he said it would “ruin me”. I love everything about England so for me, it was a no brainer.

We met in Manchester a few days after I arrived in the UK and had an incredible weekend! It was quite honestly, everything I would’ve wanted it to be, and then some. We couldn’t stop talking. He had planned the entire first date portion and he thought of everything, and included so many of my favourite things. It was amazing. Bar none.

It wasn’t until a few days later that I started to notice him putting some distance between us. So I asked him about it and he confessed that he’d gone on a date with a gal the day before I’d arrived, just on a whim because someone from work had arranged it, not expecting to even like her. But he did. Enough that he was now “confused” and “unsure as to what to do.”

I was devastated.

Up until then, I’d never done anything like that. I had never EVER, laid it all on the line. And by “it” I mean, myself and my heart. I wasn’t even remotely prepared for it going that way. I still had 3 more weeks in England left. The rest of what happened that month doesn’t even matter as much as how it was for me once I got home. I remember getting on the plane to come home and I was a wreck. I cried at the airport all day. I arrived at Heathrow early that day, and so had A LOT Of time to think about how things had gone. We texted each other for hours. Him telling me not to be sad, and not to miss him, and me telling him that all I wanted him to do was ask me to stay and I would. None of those things happened. I was sad and I missed him even before I’d left.

We sat on the tarmac for quite a long time while they de-iced the plane because it was the first time in 20 years it had snowed in October. When we finally took off, and they turned off the lights, and people around me started to fall asleep, I could finally release all the tears I had inside me, the hope that had been there from the beginning that had diminished completely by the time I got on the plane. I cried for hours.

My heart was broken.

My friends at home would be broken hearted for me as well, as they were all so excited at the possibility that this was, and they wanted it for me. I think they may even have wanted it for themselves. That bit of inspiration that comes from a story like this one.

So it was a tough one for me to go home and have to start sharing what happened.

The experience changed me. I came back jaded. Heartbroken. Sad. Life just didn’t have the same sparkle it had for the past year and a half. Suddenly, I didn’t know what my future would look like. I had for 18 months been planning a future with someone and now, it wasn’t going to happen. At some point along the way, I started fighting for something. I started telling people that I was going to marry him, so it was okay that he needed to date her for awhile. Because I’d end up with him anyway. I think I may have even believed it for awhile. But it didn’t change the fact that each day, I’d come home from work, and I’d crawl into bed, and cry for a half hour or so. Like I did when my dad died. And then I would go on with the rest of my evening.
A friend who I had known since high school and who was a good friend, married her sweetie, also from England, that year. I was heartbroken. I was happy for her and for her beau, but I was heartbroken for me. I cried all the time. But not when I was around people. I didn’t want anyone to know how epically I had failed. I actually thought I could hide it.

That was in 2008. I think, at some point through that experience, with him telling me that he didn’t know who he was going to choose, and us continuing to communicate and me trying not to be sad each time I talked to him, I gave up. I think I gave up that this was going to go my way at all. But I also think I gave up on love ever finding its way to me. (It brings tears to my eyes just putting that down.)

I know it seems hard to imagine that I would give up on something like that, but I think I did. And then, I stopped trying. There was no way I was going to fail like that again. Not when it came to my heart. No way. I can honestly tell you, I barely made it through that experience. I’m not being dramatic, I really didn’t think I would make it. There were moments, I actually hoped I wouldn’t.

And yet, here I am. Alive. Flourishing.

And you know what’s so beautiful about that? That although the experience sucked the life out of me, as I did start to come out of it, something else started to happen. As my heart started to slowly heal, I started to notice I was filled up with more love than I ever could have thought possible. I never even knew I had the capacity to love like this. It’s simply who I am now. It courses through my veins and goes out into the world on a regular basis.

And if there’s one thing I believe in more than any Universe, it’s that love is possible for every single one of us. Including me.

So why am I telling you all this when it happened so long ago?

Well because last night as I sorted through my new Facebook TimeLine, I re-lived the entire experience, and as I did that, I noticed his thumbnail photo on my profile and couldn’t quite make it out. So, I clicked on it. He and I haven’t been friends on FB for 2 years, and I never bother to see if he’s changed his photo. In fact, up until last night, I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. And when I clicked on his profile, there he sat, wearing a wedding ring and holding his new 4 or 5 month old baby. I gasped out loud, and then just stared at it for quite a long time.

And then I went back to doing what I was doing. And it stayed with me. Not because I am sad that he isn’t with me. Not anymore. I realized I am happy for him. I know it’s what he wanted, to have a family. And now he has that. And I actually am happy for him. I don’t think it’s possible to love someone like that, and to wish them any ill will.

And it also made me realize this morning that it’s time for ME to move forward and have what it is that I want as well.

I guess you could say – it’s my turn.

Love
xo

Step 1 - Welcome to Remarkable

2012-01-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

"How can you squander even one more day not taking advantage of the greatest shifts of our generation? How dare you settle for less when the world has made it so easy for you to be remarkable? ~ Seth Godin

Yesterday there were a few of us who were cranky. Maybe it had something to do with the weather. I love blaming the weather patterns for mood swings. I, of course was just at my wits end about my quads as I mentioned. You'll be happy to know I am back in my happy place. Still sore, but happy.

While wearing her cranky boots, Sandi posted the quote above. I love that she found a quote that aligned with her cranky pants mood. Then it got me thinking about a few things.

You know what has really been becoming clear to me? that we, as human beings, are more afraid of facing what we want and getting our own greatness than we are with failing. We tell ourselves that we are afraid of failing but in actual fact, we aren't. We actually don't know how to be with our own awesomeness or be faced with what we really want, so we'd rather not try.

So here's what I am wondering about. I have this friend. I have known her for a number of years. She has struggled through relationships since I've known her. Too many expectations. Too many disappointments. You know, the usual story. Then she meets someone who seems to be really awesome. I haven't met him yet, but from what I understand he's a keeper. She's wanted a relationship just like this one for a long time. So, what's the problem? Well, it's not like it's a problem, but he's asked her to move in with him. This is FANTASTIC NEWS! I can practically hear the choir. She's scared. She has expectations, as we human beings do. And she has an idea of how things are supposed to go. Will she have to give up her apartment? Will she have to give up her life? Stuff like that. Personally, I think she's very courageous as I know what it's taken for her to get here. And here she is, faced with having everything she wants and she's freaking out.

There's another friend I have. I adore her. She's a beautiful, generous, loving human being. What she wants most in the entire world is a man. I think she thinks that once she's in a relationship everything will be perfect. Well, no, I don't think that. I know that. You know, she's beautiful and smart and so much fun. She knows how to live her life. Yet she lives it all on top of "when I get a man, my life will be perfect and I will be happy." Like being happy is somewhere outside of her. I have so much compassion for where she's at because I've been there. I think I spent my 20s in that place. Maybe even a good chunk of my 30s. But one thing I never did was wait to live my life. I never waited to hang photos or take trips or any of that other stuff that sometimes single gals and guys do, thinking that a relationship will be the answer to all of their prayers.

What I don't understand is why wait? Life is for living right? I remember, many years ago, when Oprah launched her "Live Your Best Life" series and had people like Iyanla Van Zant and John Gray on her show ongoingly. And there was a woman in her 30s who had moved into a really great condo and yet hadn't hung any photos or put out any personal things, and she'd lived there for a year. Reason being is she felt that she would do all that when she had a man in her life. I remember how sad it made me to watch her struggle through that conversation. I could see she was embarrassed but at the same time, not knowing anything else.

Why do we do that? Just like Seth says in that quote...How dare you settle for less...? How dare you, when the world has made it so easy to be remarkable.

Today I had some pretty remarkable things happen. Several of those things were some pretty amazing people, some I don't even know, said some pretty amazing things to me. About me. And you know, even though my heart swelled with each message or comment, there were these thoughts going through my head - and those thoughts kept me from really getting it. The thoughts? Well "How can these people who don't even really know me, see all the greatness in me, and the people who I thought knew me so well, think I suck?" Yes. There are some people who think I suck. I know. It's hard to imagine. But there are. I don't understand it myself, but it happens.

I was sharing this with my friend "Bill" and she told me about Rosa Parks. Now I don't know alot about Rosa Parks but I do know that her name comes up a lot in conversations like this one. I had this same conversation with Sandi and she said that these people didn't really know me anyway. While I was relaxing at my acupuncture appointment, I got to thinking, these people that I refer to, that think I suck, I think as I started to get my own reach and my own influence and my own awesomeness, is when things stopped working. I suppose it is tough when those people stop creating awesome in their own lives. It becomes tough to watch others create it in theirs.

So I go back to the friend I spoke about above. The one who believes that her life will be fulfilled WHEN she's in a relationship. It doesn't occur to her like she can be fulfilled right this minute. Simply because she says so.

It was a hard fought lesson for me some time ago, and I am proud to say that I wait for no man. Do I want to share my life with someone? Hell yeah I do. Am I going to wait to be remarkable until I have one? Hell no.

The world, is just waiting for someone to inspire them into action. Why not you? Why not me? Why not you taking on a project or a gesture or a simple act that makes that difference in the life of even one other person?

The world really does make it easy.

Why do we turn around and make it so hard?

The world is waiting.

What are you gonna to do about it?

Love

PS - remember how I said in my "Stirring Up Sh*t" post, that one of the things I was going to do in 2012 was really get my own awesomeness and stop apologizing or stop not celebrating it? Well this right here, is the beginning.

This is me, being remarkable. Even if nobody else thinks so.

Passionately Frustrated

2012-01-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

Look at that. We are 3 days into a new year and I haven't even written anything. Funny how I can get so used to writing something every single day and then nothing. It isn't that I need a prompt to help me find something to write about. No, words have a way of filling up my head constantly, it's just that what I want to say keeps changing.

I have read some pretty frikking amazing blog posts over the last 2 weeks or so, and the combination of all those have definitely lit a fire under my butt to get on with life. To do all the things I've secretly been using the word "someday" to get away with not doing them. I confess, I use the word "someday" sometimes. Granted I don't use it out loud. I would never do that. That's self defeating. To hear myself say it out loud just means I won't do it. It's kind of like when someone says "we'll see". What? What does that even mean? We'll see? What? First of all, who is we? Second of all what will WE see? Whether the coffee maker works as well as it claims to? Or whether the book turns out to be as good as the hype? Whether the latest Hollywood "it" couple will stay together? Or never mind Hollywood, whether your relationship will last past the usual 3 month mark?

Please.

"We'll see" is just another way of saying you aren't responsible for what happens in your life. Like the world just sort of happens and you just stand still while it spins. Come on. That is NOT what life is about. At the risk of using what I just read referred to as a "buzzword" I'm going to say it anyway..Life is about living. As passionately as we can until we die. Otherwise why bother?

Today, I woke up frustrated. I have had a quad injury for almost 4 months. Did I tell you? I was at a jazzercise class near the end of September, maybe early October. I was doing great. I felt good. Very strong. I'd even gone back to the gym on my off days from jazzer. Then one day, there I am in the class, near the front, which is more torturous, and the instructor is kinda hot, so I'm working extra hard, doing these pulsing squats...for over 4 minutes. Well it turns out I pulled both my quads at the same time. I injured the left one far more than I did the right although they both work together so it doesn't really matter. It took me a few days to figure it out, and then I started going to physio, which provided a small amount of relief, and then went to Vegas which just about did me in. But I found another form of treatment - rolfing ( a form of deep tissue massage ) which has been going great. Except that today, it's not great. I am frustrated. I guess you could say I hit the wall with this stupid f(cking injury. I am so done with it. I just want my legs to work properly. I don't want to make a noise every time I get in and out of the car, or take a flight of stairs, or even get up from my desk chair. I just want to be able to go back to jazzercise. I want to go back to the gym, but since these are my stabilizer muscles it's tough to really do anything. I also realized this morning that this injury has done a number on my self confidence. I can't wear any hot boots, with my hot jeans to go out, so I would rather not go if I am not going to feel good in what I'm wearing. Right? So I find I'm avoiding social situations like going out to hear a performer or something. And you know what happens then? The more you avoid it the worse it gets. Until you don't want to go at all.

That is not how this year was supposed to start out. I have high hopes for this year. I have big dreams. Lots of "goals", or intentions. I wanna kick it with the likes of Jacob and Joel at the World Domination Summit. I've got a wedding to go to in Kauai in May, and I just booked a trip to San Francisco at the end of this month, and all I find myself thinking about is all the stuff I won't be able to do if this continues.

That is so not a life I want to have. One where I have to worry about this shit. Where I can't go to a hockey game because I can't climb all those stairs. That's bull. I am committed to being healthy, which means not having to worry about stuff like that. And yet, right now, here I sit. Frustrated. Near tears.

But at least I'm very passionately frustrated.

My theme for this year, is being passionate. Living the life I've talked about living. Dreamed about living. Achieving the things I never in a million years would even consider saying out loud before. Writing the books. Finding a way to keep my hugging project going in a way that it still inspires me and others. Falling in love, having a song written about me, maybe a poem. Being on Ellen. Planning some big events. Working with some high rollers.

Being passionately frustrated may not be the way to get there, but it sure as hell beats pretending like I'm fine when I'm not.

What about you? How is your year starting out so far? Do you have big dreams? Are you scared you won't be able to fulfill on them? Tell me if you're so inclined, so I can support you, cheerlead you...and let you do the same for me.

Happy New Year to you.

Love xo

#reverb11 Final Post = Reflecting

2011-12-31T22:52:00.000-08:00

Day 31. Reflect. Take a moment to think back on your reverb11 responses. Have you learned anything? What surprised you about this experience? Which of your responses was your favorite?

I have one hour and 5 minutes left before this year is over, before this month ends and reverb11 comes to an end. I got back a short time ago from my granny's funeral in Calgary. 2 flights later, 2 delays later, having the GPS get us lost on the way to the airport due to all the construction, and trying to change a flight so I could spend New Years Eve with a friend who is realizing his dream, but unfortunately, the flight was sold out. Boo. So I got back into town, and drove to 4 different grocery stores since I don't have any food in the house and of course it's NYE. Everything is closed. So I got some pizza and a sub because I couldn't decide and now I'm catching up on stuff.

Not the least of which, is writing my last reverb11 post.

As I reflect back on what I've written about this past month all I'm really present to is the community that got built around this year's project. How it all came together, how even though I wasn't always inspired by the prompts at first, I'd always find something to share that ended up inspiring me and/or someone else. Love that!

My favorite post, is a tie. Day 16 - Quest for Purpose and most recently Stirring Up Sh*t! I found that when I spent less time trying to figure out what I would share, it flowed out of my fingers and ended up being pretty kick a**. That's a habit I'm taking into the new year. I have loved making time to write every day. I want to keep that going for myself. Maybe not every day. But most definitely several times a week.

I plan on living a life of CAPITAL LETTERED PASSION for 2012 so I'm guessing that will give me a lot of material to write about.

One of the reasons why I loved reverb10 last year, is because I learned something about myself each time I'd write something. Same goes for this year. Although the prompts were less reflective and I didn't have to dig as deep most days, I found myself just wanting to share. To give you an opportunity to know me and to have you share more of yourself just because you read the post.

There's something about that.

Something I love.

I am ever so grateful always for the comments every day and that you stayed with me and read them every day. Thank you for that. I look forward to sharing so much more with you and in turn have you share more with me in 2012.

for now, it's 11:15 and it's time for bed.

Happy New Year. (I'll write a post about that tomorrow).

Love

#reverb11 3 Wishes

2011-12-30T16:49:00.000-08:00

Day 30 - If genie could grant you 3 wishes for 2012, what would they be?

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at my desk and I asked myself this question: "Is there anyone or anything that you are incomplete with from 2011 that you could get complete with before the new year begins?" I immediately thought of "man with no balls".

So, I gave him a call. I hadn't heard from him since he disappeared before our date for the second time, and rather than go into the new year wondering what happened to him, I thought I'd just call and find out. His mother answered his cell. At first she said he wasn't home and then when I told her who it was, she told me to hang on a sec. So I did. It wasn't until she came back on the phone that I was pretty sure I'd heard his voice, but couldn't say for certain and then she said "I thought he was home, but he's not, okay goodbye."

I held the phone in my hand for a minute just looking at it. WTF?

I was mad for about 15 minutes. Mad at myself for calling. Mad at him for not having any balls . Even mad at his mother for lying for him. And then I realized that my intention for the call was to stop wondering about him, make sure he was okay. That got accomplished on the call.

Then this morning as I was getting ready, I was thinking about someone who was a friend. We used to be fairly close. Until a series of things happened and then we weren't. I don't think we ever really found our footing after the first thing happened. And then coming home from Vegas some other stuff happened and I had been thinking about it since then. Not thinking about it like it was taking over my life, but just in the background. And something I've really been committed to doing is getting complete with people and experiences before the new year.

Since I am flying out of town in 2 hours to attend my granny's funeral tomorrow, I knew I would need to do that today. Any conversations that needed to happen, they'd have to be today as I wouldn't be available to have them tomorrow.

And in the interest of that, there have been a couple of conversations that have happened that although really great for me, don't always go well. Sometimes, getting complete feels crappy, but at least I'm not taking it into the new year with me.

So why am I telling you all that given the prompt for today is 3 wishes?

Because:

Wish #1 - That people who value their relationships say whatever there is to say when it needs to be said and not hold onto it to use as ammunition when the going gets tough. Having been on the receiving end of a number of those recently, it's just so much easier on both people when you're just willing to be honest and straight up right from the beginning, even if it seems hard or you're scared. Believe me when I tell you, the alternative is much, much worse.

Wish #2 - That all people remember that their fellow human beings simply want to experience being loved by another. Being listened to by another. To matter to someone, even if it's just for a couple of minutes. So the Wish would be that all people treat each other accordingly.

Wish #3 - That hugging becomes the national handshake and that people remember that love really is all you need...

Love

#reverb11 Stirring Sh*t Up

2011-12-29T12:59:00.000-08:00

Day 29 - Shaking things up! Looking towards 2012, what can you do to shake things up a little next year?

I like to think of myself as a mover and a shaker. I try new things. I do crazy sh*t sometimes. I wouldn't call myself a trouble maker, but I would refer to myself as someone who takes pride in having others stretch themselves out of their own comfort zones. I can't help it. It comes naturally to me to get excited about something and want others to join me on the "ride". We only get to live life once...why the hell wouldn't we take risks?

"A ship in the harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for." ~ Unknown

How do I want to shake things up in 2012? Well, for starters, I want to revamp my blog. It's time. Thankfully I have people like Jodi on my side who are itching to take photos and help me set it up. So I'm going to take her up on it. Yah, I love the pink, cutesy lovey stuff, and I'm going to keep it, but I feel like I've matured a lot this past year thanks to this blog...maybe matured isn't the right word. More like "gotten grounded in who I am" and now it's time to show it.

I also want to have my tribe of awesome guest post here! People like Joel Runyon from The Blog of Impossible Things; and Judy at Zebra Sounds; Sandi from DevaCoaching; Daniel from MettaDrum; Lori at HeartYourPackage and Jason at Love Letters and Suicide Notes (to name a few). All awesome people. All people I want to keep close. All people who kick my ass on a regular basis. I want to hear their thoughts on Passion. My theme for 2012. (Joel is the only one who has said yes so far. The rest, I haven't even asked yet).

My word for 2012...well, my theme is Passion. 2011 was being fearless and for 2012 it's being passionate. Passion means a lot of things to a lot of people. I am going to ask a lot of people what passion means to them. What does it look like to be living a passionate life? Are they living one? What's missing? I'm likely to piss some people off by asking. That's okay. I piss people off now.

I didn't want this to get caught up in the above paragraph, but I want dear friend and awesomeest cheerleader ever Amber, to write me a post about what passion means to her. I want to hear her words. I want to read HER words, as anxiously as she reads mine every day. (DID YOU HEAR THAT AMBER?)

"Life loses it's meaning when we get stuck up in a comfort zone." ~ M.K. Soni

More shaking things up, I want to know what it feels like to fall in love. Like really. To actually let myself have the full experience, which also means, allowing someone to love me. *gulp*

I am going to shake things up by writing my book. I told my coach I'd do it. And now I'm telling you. I keep talking about it. And one thing I know for sure, is that there are only 7 days in the week, and "someday" is not one of them. So dammit. I'm writing the book. In fact, I might even write both.

I'm also going to be on Ellen. Dammit.

Oh and I want to have and share a few epic failures. I know I share with you about jobs I don't get, and men that turn out to be schmucks, but I mean epic ones. Just a couple. To keep me humble.

I want to inspire people to get off their butts and create projects for themselves that make a difference for themselves and for their communities.

I am going to shake things up by owning who I am. I mean come on. Yesterday, I had a really great sense of it. What I said up there about there only being 7 days in a week and someday not being one of them? Well I said that in my status update couple of weeks ago. I was sharing about a friend who had lost her partner, and I was going to his wake, and I used that line. It's my line. I said it. It worked. I liked it. And yesterday, Sandi, quoted me in her blog post. And if that wasn't enough, Daniel tweeted the quote, and then someone else RT'd it. And Daniel also put it on his FB status update. I just about fell off my chair. AND I couldn't stop smiling. I want to be that person that gets quoted. A lot.

I'm going to stop apologizing for who I am. I have a pretty awesome reach. I have a fairly decent "influence" for lack of a better word. I know I have moments of being crazy inspired and inspiring. I know that I can give a new perspective on an old conversation. I want to be that. I want to be that person that you might think you need to be weird around just because you aren't quite sure what to say. But rest assured you can always say anything.

I want to love more. Bigger. And by bigger, I mean more of the world.

I am going to travel. (duh!)

I want to officiate a couple of weddings. :) Because I love Love and it just makes sense.

And I'm going to take on 3 projects/events that I don't actually think I can do...and do them anyway.

Oh yah...and I need to come up with something awesome to follow up The Year of Hugging Fearlessly...that will embrace the world, and leave everyone having experienced being loved. Even if just for a moment.

That's how I'm going to shake things up in 2012...or stir sh(t up as the case may be.

How about you? What's your plan to take over the world in the new year?

Love

#reverb11 Forgiveness

2011-12-28T22:29:00.000-08:00

Day 28 - Forgiveness. What one thing do you need to forgive yourself for this year?

I just put in that first sentence and I wasn't sure what I was going to share about, and then as soon as I was done, and typed in that question mark...I knew.

There are many people that I have forgiven this year, including myself for much. I have written about forgiveness in the past, that it's truly is the greatest gift we can give someone. To forgive is truly an act of faith. We forgive them and move on which means we have faith that whatever they did that required forgiving, won't happen again. Unfortunately, and often, it happens time and time again.

We as human beings don't always honour who someone else is, so then we end up treating them in a way that perhaps we wouldn't, if we honoured who we are as well. I think quite often, it's like a mirror pointing back at us, to have us see what perhaps is missing from our own lives. If you can't honour who you are, chances are pretty good you won't be able to honour who someone else is. It becomes challenging to say the least.

So once I had a chance to look at all of that, I think if there were anything that I would want or need to forgive myself for from this year it's that I didn't always honour who people are. I think up until recently I didn't know how to honour who I am, and then one day, I started to really take responsibility for being that person. That one who was worth honouring. And once that happened, it became easier to begin to honour those around me.

Forgiving myself for that, although it sounds easy, feels a little bit sad. Mostly because I never want to be that person.

And a declaration that although I may forget sometimes, I will always come back to honouring me...and you.

Love

#reverb11 Author! Author!

2011-12-27T22:58:00.001-08:00

Day 27 - Author! Author! Share with us, the title and the inside jacket cover of the book you'd most like to write.

Oh my gosh!! I almost went to bed without responding to this prompt! Holy moly! Thank goodness Streetlights94 was there to straighten me out. I obviously read the prompt last night when I was tired and actually thought it said "tell us about the title and inside jacket cover of the book you'd most like to read." haha! I'm not kidding. She just totally straightened me out.

Well in that case, I'll answer THIS!!

The book I'd most like to write would be called "I will not go quietly". A great book title, an awesome funeral (or wedding) song (by Don Henley) and would be very appropriate for the title of the book I'd most like to write.

This would be the photo on the inside jacket.

The book itself would be a romantic comedy. Or something like that. There's a book that Tina Fey wrote, I don't know if it qualifies as a memoir but the first review when you check Amazon says "Once in a generation a woman comes along who changes everything. Tina Fey is not that woman , but she met that woman once and acted weird around her."

Well I want to be that woman that she acted weird around.

From a quiet geek growing up, to someone who didn't know her own power and anger, who wreaked some havoc as she stumbled through her 20s, fell of a lot of cliffs and fell up a lot of stairs, Rita had a lot of dreams. On her 35th birthday she stayed home and cried herself to sleep while her friends partied without her because she hadn't yet achieved the goals and dreams she had thought she would have. She spent a few days feeling sorry for herself, and then she changed her life.

She started dreaming and she started living. BIG.

She's had a lot of one-sided romances and has a box full of band-aids holding her giant heart together but she's never given up on the love she knows is out there and she insists it will find her.

She may tell you that the dreams she had haven't come true yet, but it would seem there's a whole world of stories and experiences to the contrary.

This is a compilation of those stories and experiences that we've put together for you.

Mostly to prove her wrong.

She really is the woman who changed the world.

One hug at a time.

...something like that.

Love

#reverb11 My Go-To Song Day 26

2011-12-26T09:32:00.000-08:00

Day 26 - Music is Powerful. Think of one song that you turn to time and time again, and describe why it's important to you.

My Go-To Song is:

I had never had a go to song until this one. Not really. Perhaps in junior high I over played Bryan Adams "Everything I do" but that was the romantic in me. I also love the song "One Thing" by Filter which was considered our song w/my bff, but never a song that I turned to that automatically transported me elsewhere.

Until this one. One Day Like This is a song I had never heard before, until the day after I arrived in Portugal to spend 8 days with my friend Maureen. She introduced it to me. It was her daughter's wedding song. The first time she played it for me, I almost cried, it moved me that much. It's a song of hope, a song of absolute joy. At least that's what it brings out for me.

My favorite line is "throw those curtains wide...one day like this..." it's so beautiful. I get this mental image of throwing the curtains wide...and it makes everything possible.

Also, as soon as I hear the first notes of the song, I am immediately transported to Maureen's villa in Portugal, standing in the living room, staring out at the pool with this song blaring.

Being transported back to one of my most favorite trips EVER, with one of my favorite friends ever, staying with one of my favorite people ever, in one of the most beautiful spots, ever...is not a bad place to be.

Happy Boxing Day!

Love

#reverb11 Merry Christmas to All

2011-12-24T23:16:00.000-08:00

Day 24 - Somebody has to say it.

I am barely making it under the wire on this one. It's 11:18pm and I'm listening to my sister walking around upstairs as she's doing her usual "stay up half the night on christmas eve" wrapping presents thing, and my brother just came by with more presents for the Monkey's from Santa, while I'm all snuggled in my bed waiting to fall asleep. But I can't quite do that can I? I haven't written my post for tonight.

So today's prompt is an interesting one. Somebody has to say it. Well..what could "IT" be? What is the IT that somebody has to say? What is it that I would want to say is I were somebody and I could say it?

Somebody has to say it: What if you couldn't use your religion as the excuse to get away with murder, and mayhem anywhere, in the world? *collective gasp*.

Yah. I gasped too. But somebody had to say it.

-------

And since I'm up and the prompt is here and I might not have a chance to post this tomorrow:

Day 25 - The reason for the season. What's the most memorable gift you've ever

received?

The most memorable gift I've ever received? That's actually quite different than the "best gift" I've ever received. The most memorable would imply that it's one I've never forgotten about. And yet as I sit here thinking about it, I can't seem to come up with one. Course as I type that I recall there was one truly unexpected and memorable gift that hadn't occurred to me as such until after the fact.

About 11 years ago, we were home for Christmas. Not far for me, about a 2.5 hour drive. My brother and sister would also be there and we'd hang out with my parents and eat and watch movies and laugh. By the time we left, we'd be stuffed and ready for a cleanse, and our cars loaded down with all kind of goodies.

This one particular year, it was a particularly mild winter, but the fog rolled in every day. Being that we live on an island, it's not uncommon that there'd be fog on occasion, but this was intense fog. They had to shut down the highways because there was zero visibility due to the fog. Usually we'd stay for about 4 days and then be on our way. Well this particular year we were fogged in for 8 days. We just hung out and laughed and ate and watched movies and I remember we spent a lot of time sitting at the dining room table as my dad was teaching us card games he had played as a kid growing up in India.

This was also the first Christmas that my parents were meeting my brother's long time girlfriend. They had been together approximately 5 years by that time, and she'd been a secret for that time. Not because my brother didn't love her. But because he knew that ultimately, my parents would want him to marry a nice Indian girl. She is Chinese. But after almost a year of torture for my brother who broke up with her when my parents started the search for him, and he was so conflicted. He wanted to do right by our parents but he was in love with her. And he was willing to just suck it up and go with it.

I will never forget that Sunday afternoon when my parents called me and shared with me that they had been visiting my brother and told him that they wanted him to be happy and that if he wanted to marry her, they approved. It was a momentous occasion in our family and a huge win for me and my brother. For me especially because of the arranged marriage I had gone through. So my parents gave my brother their blessing.

This was the first Christmas that she was coming to spend it with us as part of the family. She and my dad got on like a house on fire. She picked up on the card games and that was a big deal for my dad. I will never forget how much he teased her and how much they poked eachother. It was so cute to watch. And I know my brother was overjoyed. She joined us for the holidays on Boxing Day and was with us for 6 days since we were all heading out of town in the same direction and with the highways closed, none of us could go anywhere.

We laughed and talked and spent a lot of time together.

And when she left, I think she felt like a real member of our family and I think my parents were thrilled.

8 days later, my dad died.

That gift of time, truly is the one we remember forever isn't it?

I know I'm breaking the rules just slightly by posting this on the same day but I hope you will forgive me.

I wish for you the happiest of holidays and the merriest of Christmas' and so much joy in your world that you hardly know what to do with yourself as you receive it all.

So much love

#reverb11 Travel, Of Course

2011-12-23T12:40:00.001-08:00

Day 22 - Travel. Did you visit anywhere new this year? Any plans to travel next year?

I'm sorry. Did you just ask me if I visited anywhere new this year? Oh. Hell Yeah I did! This year, with my friend WendyLou we went on the exTRAVELganza at the tail end of April into May! If you were reading then, you would have seen the photos and such. And heard all the great stories. We went to Spain and Portugal, both of us for the first time ever.

We started in Barcelona, and fell madly in love with that city! I could go back there over and over again. It's got everything you could ever need. And if you scroll down to the ones you love section (on the right) one of the most read posts is "Me Encanta La Sagrada Familia" and that should give you some indication as to how much I loved Barcelona.

From there we flew to Faro, Portugal. What a beautiful coastline! Oh it's amazing. If you've not been..you MUST go! If you search "Portugal" here on the blog, I tried to post photos often. We spent 8 days in the Algarve (which is the coastal area in the south) and stayed with my friend Maureen. Oh my goodness. We had an amazing AMAZING time! In fact, every single day was the best day ever. It just kept getting perfect-er and perfect-er. Maureen was the most generous and gracious and loving host, and WendyLou and I found time to read, and sunbathe, and shop and drink and have oh so much fun. Truly unbelievable.

From Falesia, we went to Sevilla, Spain. That wasn't my favorite, mostly because the temps were in the high 40s (c) everyday and of course we spent so much of it outdoors. I am fairly certain I ended up with sunstroke on our first day and then just didn't fully recover. Not to mention, Sevilla is not the best place to find vegetarian food. In fact, it's fair to say that it sucks. So I didn't get any protein until we got back to Barcelona. Those last 3 days in Barcelona were AMAZING! AMAZING! I don't even know how to put into words HOW amazing it was.

If you have a list and you don't have "visit spain and portugal" on it..add it. Please. I beg you.

As for any trips in the new year? Yes. of course. In January, I'm spending a week in San Francisco, which is my most favorite city in the US. In May, some friends are getting married so we're all packing our bags and heading to Kaua'i for 10 days!! I've never been to Hawaii and it's on my list so I'm pretty excited! Not to mention, any time there's a group trip involved..it's always the most fun ever!

And then in September/October I'm planning (but haven't confirmed yet) a trip to Ireland and a detour to Portugal to see Maureen again.

Oh yea. Passionate about travel means travelling. :) My favorite parts of the year. :)

Love

#reverb11 Can You Hear My Heart Singing?

2011-12-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

Day 22 - Passion. If you could quit your day job and your quality of life wouldn't change, what would you do?

The answer should be fairly obvious right? If you've been reading for awhile, you've probably sussed out that I am in love with people. All kinds of people. People of all walks of life. And especially people of different cultures...(although please don't ask me to go back to China, cause I'd have to say no and that would bum me out.) So if I could get a job loving people...oh man, I'd be even more annoyingly positive than I am right now. Please. We all know I speak the truth. I can be a bit annoying. But in the best possible way. (Maybe that's why less and less people seem to be reading my blog these days).

I'm not entirely sure that People Lover is considered an actual job title though.

I suppose I could also get paid to travel. I LOVE to travel. I love getting on a plane and feeling that very nervous feeling before the plane takes off. I get just as nervous every time, even though I've clocked thousands and thousands of miles, as I did on my first flight ever, (to India). I am a big fan of landings. Love them. The closer we get to the ground, the better. And I especially love flying back from Europe when it doesn't get dark. I LOVE that. those are my favorite flights. The more light there is, the better the chances we won't hit anything mid-air. No I'm kidding. I just love that I don't get tired on those flights. And trying new foods, although I'm somewhat limited, being a vegetarian, and meeting great new people and especially crossing things off my list. Those are all important to me. So yah, if I could paid to travel...maybe to be a travel writer...now THAT would be super fantastic!

But at the end of the day, the thing I would be willing to do for free? The thing that lights my soul on fire? The thing that has me totally and utterly fulfilled every second of everyday, is event planning. All kinds of event planning. Wedding planning. I even just accompanied "Bill" and her American man friend to check out a wedding venue which happens to be inside my VERY favorite venue in the city. I mean...I have a favorite venue. Only event planners have favorite venues. (or did I just make that up?)

I've have a lot of events under my belt. From house parties to raise money for something or other, to (as you may know) OLYMPIC sized events when I was in Beijing and in Vancouver. Yep. I sure do. To say that one is better than the other? Nope. I love them all. I like the small scale ones but only if they are things I'm doing that I love. If I have to plan the work Christmas party, that doesn't really do it for me. But if I'm planning a Red Solo Cup Party (for instance) for myself and my friends, THAT totally does it for me. Course I'd be lying if I told you that working with the likes of Sandra Oh and Laura Vandervoort during the Olympics wasn't just slightly a higher level and freaking exciting. Those were some of the best days of MY LIFE. I don't think I've EVER been as fulfilled in my life as I was during those 3 months. The Best. Job. Ever. When I'm doing something that feeds me from the inside, I have no problem working 18 hour days, 7 days a week. You need me here at 6? Sure. I'll get up at 4. Love. Everything about it.

So why am I not doing it already? I'm not sure. Fear maybe? But not likely. Maybe it's the idea of giving up 5 weeks of holidays and a fairly decent income that pays my mortgage and allows me the freedom to travel and have fun at work with less responsiblity. I'm not sure. But I will tell you one thing for sure, 2012 is the year that I'll be putting that theory to the test. I've got an event in February, another one I'm starting in March (a global Peace conference), one that I will be working on all year until October, and then a New Years Eve wedding for "Bill".

If I haven't started my business by then...maybe it's not the thing that really makes my heart sing.

Except that it is.

Love

PS THIS is NOT a #reverb related post that I'm sharing with you, but I HAD to share it. With the intention that it may make a difference for the rest of your year and how you create the new one. It's so flipping good I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't share it. It's by my friend Daniel. Pardon Me, Your Awesome is Showing. Trust me, I think you'll love it!

#reverb11 Celebrate Good Times!

2011-12-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

Day 21 - Party Time! Tell us about the best party you attended this year.

I had been meaning to write about this for ages and haven't gotten to it so today's prompt is perfect! I went over the parties I attended this year, in my head wanting to make sure that I responded with just the right one. I have been to a lot of parties, wedding receptions, et al this year so I just wanted to make sure I got the right one. The one that encompassed every possible element necessary for it to be considered "the best party" I attended this year.

That would have to have been Julie's Bachelorette Extravaganza!

You might recall I was recently in Las Vegas, because my friend Julie was getting married and moving there (yes, to Vegas.) Before she left though, myself, her sister and another friend pulled together to throw her a kick ass bachelorette party! I must admit, I came up with an idea and just ran with it, and emailed both Julie's sister and our friend and just kept them in the loop as to what I was going to do.

I had never planned a bachelorette party before so wasn't really sure, so I googled a few things but really, once I knew what we were going to do, it was easy. Painless AND so much fun to plan.. I love planning parties and the like so for me this was a no brainer.

First, I called the limo company. I knew there were 42 people on the list that Julie had provided me with of the people she wanted to spend that evening with. What could the limo company do for us? Well, when I checked out their website, I found a limo that was AMAZING! If you picture an airporter...it's about that size..maybe a bit bigger. And like a nightclub inside. OMG! It was amazing! As soon as I saw the photo, I knew this was what we were going to do. The limo company provides a service as well where they give the party a list of clues, kind of like a scavenger hunt, and then you find the person on the list, and get a photo. For instance, a fireman, a tourist with a camera around his neck, a grocery store clerk. Oh...those photos are hilarious! So with that planned, all I really needed to do was figure out what size limo I wanted, how much it was going to cost and what we would do before hand.

I called up my favorite restaurant and reserved the big space in the back. There would be 28 of us for dinner and it's a great space for it, with white twinkly lights hanging from the ceiling and candles on the tables, and all the ladies dressed in black. I had requested that everyone wear black, except for Julie. She wears a lot of black so she was allowed to only wear black shoes if necessary. Otherwise, she had to wear colour...something bright that would have her stand out.

As you can see from the photo below, it was a pretty fantastic effect:

And of course, who doesn't look good in black? The photos (that I've seen so far) are super hot. Of everyone. This one is just a sample of the hotness in the room.

One of the friends made a cake. A very giant, black thunder, penis cake...complete with coconut for the pubic hair...it was disgusting. I don't have a photo to show you because it was disgusting to look at...but apparently it tasted really good. Go figure. Dinner was classy and lovely and all the ladies had a chance to visit and toast the bride to be, and laugh. A lot. We drank a lot. I'll be honest, my drink bill would have paid for 3 people's meals. :) And that was just mine. But it was super fun!

From there, we all gathered outside. The ladies who were opting out, said their goodbyes and left, and the rest of us, climbed aboard the party bus. If you've never done one of these, I highly recommend it. Julie had NO idea. She thougth that once dinner was over, that was that. Oh no my friend. Oh no. We'd never let you off that easy. We wanted to keep it classy yet super fun, and this evening was definitely that. Not only did I get to spend it with all of my favorite ladies, where it's impossible to NOT have a good time, but I also got to be really proud of what I had created for the evening.

This is a photo of one of the ladies at the front of the bus readng the clues aloud.

At one point in the limo, after taking a swig from the bottle of Fireball I had brought in my purse, Julie said to me "I don't think I've EVER in my life had this much fun!"

It was that moment, that I knew I could go home right now and the evening was a complete success.

That was, not only my very first bachelorette party that I had planned, but also, one of the funnest evenings of my entire life.

At the end of the night, when Julie, myself and another friend went for a slice of pizza, and noticed that both Julie and I were slurring...we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Not a bad way to finish up the night.

Except to have this young American fella, he was maybe 22 or 23, also in the pizza place, kept staring at our table, and finally came over and teetered beside our table as he tried to maintain his compsure and said to us with a wave of his arm over our heads.."I like all y'all."

Not foolin'. That's what he said.

All in all, a super fun night.

Love

#reverb11 Friendships (Day 20)

2011-12-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

Day 20 - Friendship. What kind of friend were you in 2011? What kind of friend do you want to be in 2012?

I like to ask myself every once in awhile...If I were meeting me, would I want to be friends with me?

More than ever, this year, the answer would be a resounding "HELL YEAH!"

I have been the kind of friend who doesn't always say the right thing at the right time, but who has to say it because it's so important to me that you know I love you and care for you and want you to have the best life ever.

I have been the kind of friend who may not always know what to say when you need me to say it, but I will always, and without fail, give you a great big hug, without you even asking for it.

I have been the kind of friend, who is in love with you and others like you, who matter to me, and who will do anything to make sure that you know how much you matter to me.

I have been the kind of friend who would, almost, but not quite, throw myself in front of a bus if you asked me to. I wouldn't actually do it, because I'd want to empower YOU, but I would listen as you convinced me why it was necessary.

I asked a friend today what kind of friend I had been and this is what she said: "You're a fun- loving-my-kinda-gal FRIEND who's a hoot to be around. Always upbeat - thats what I heart about you"

I have been the kind of friend who I hope has inspired a few, who has moved some, maybe even touched a few with my words, or my actions. I like to think that perhaps I may have inspired you to make a list, or to take that trip, or to fall in love as hard as you possibly can no matter what happens.

I have been the kind of friend who cared. Sometimes to a fault. I've been the kind of friend who has taken a lot of shit, and forgiven you afterwards. I've been the kind of friend who gave you a third chance, even though I was already questioning the second, because I love you.

I have been the kind of friend who has said something to hurt your feelings, without realizing it, and then apologized after because that was never my intention.

I have been the kind of friend who may have annoyed you, because I was relentless in wanting you to have what you wanted, and never letting you give up on it.

I have been the kind of friend who, in the most respectful and loving way possibly, ended a friendship that spanned 22 years, because it no longer served either of us, so that you could go and be happy and thrive and so could I.

I asked another friend (Bill) how she would answer the question and she used words like this: "kick ass, balls deep, open hearted, inspiring..." She said more, but I can't remember them all. But she wanted to make sure I used the term "balls deep".

How does one write this post without singing their own praises some? It's impossible.

I was the kind of friend who eff'd up, a lot.

I was also the kind of friend who learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself through the course of this year, and I learned a lot about my relationships too. I was the kind of friend who apologized for wrongs done many years past, because I realized what they were and wanted to make sure that there was nothing still outstanding. I was the kind of friend who loved. Hard. With everything. Because I don't get why I wouldn't.

I was also the kind of friend who didn't love. Who was afraid to give of myself, by listening to my gut, knowing there was something that didn't feel quite right. I was the kind of friend who took responsibility for some of the shit that I did in some of my relationships and owned it. Apologized for it. Made it as right as possible.

I was the kind of friend who just wanted to love people.

And I really feel as though I did that. Sometimes I fumbled and sometimes I flailed. But I never stopped. I just kept moving forward.

My friend WendyLou once said to me "If I can find a man who will love me like you do, I'll be set."

I'd say I did pretty good.

As far as the kind of friend I'd like to be in 2012...The only word that comes to mind is "more".

Love xo

#reverb11 Being Moved

2011-12-19T22:21:00.001-08:00

Day 19 - Being Moved. Tell us about a time when you were moved this year by another person's generosity?

I've been struggling with how to respond to this post all day. how do I pick just one moment? One time this year that I was moved by the generosity of another? I spent an entire month crying my eyes out because I was constantly moved by people, including myself. The generosity...I am surrounded by it. I have people in my life who are the kindest, most generous people I've ever met. I have learned a lot about myself and my capacity to be generous with others. My friend Maureen in Portugal, who far exceeded any expectations I could ever have of generosity and hospitality to someone who was a stranger and who became a friend.

I have encountered moments where I have wept in the middle of hugging someone. I cried my eyes out because I was so moved, the day I read that strangers were paying off KMart la-away accounts to that families would be able to give their Children Christmas gifts. I have cried my eyes out more than once when reading posts that inspire me to be someone I may not think I am yet.

I have cried my eyes out because someone close to me has called to share with me how inspired they were by something I said, or did or hadn't even thought of doing yet. When I get a surprise email from someone I didn't even know was paying attention.

I get moved so easily nowadays. Not easily like it doesn't mean anything to me. But easily, like my heart is so wide open it's hard for me not be moved.

My nephews move me all the time.

The love that people have for eachother...that moves me.

My friends Nicole and Sean..their month of romance moved me.

Today, meeting Alfie. The 100 year old spry, charming fellow that I got to hug today who wanted to play me the violin...that moved me.

Jason. When he writes. That moves me too.

The love that I have in my life. That moves me.

The friends I have...

So please don't ask me to choose just one...

Love

#reverb11 Lunch? You Wanna Have Lunch?

2011-12-18T14:01:00.001-08:00

Day 18 - Let's do lunch! If you could have lunch with anybody, who would it be and what would you discuss?

While puttering around the house this morning, wrapping presents, listening to Van Morrison, my first thought was I'd want to have lunch with my dad of course. An opportunity to see my dad one more time and to get a hug from him..oh it makes me well up in tears. Spending time filling him in on all the things he has missed over the past 11 years...That seemed like just the thing I wanted to write about.

And then my friend Bill called. She wanted to see how I was doing after reading last night's post about loathing and the man with no balls. She was surprised to find me upbeat and cheerful. "Are you sure you're good?" she asked just to make sure. I laughed. "Did you expect to find me laying on the floor in the fetal position?" She said no, but that she just wanted to make sure because after she read my blog post from last night she was ready to punch someone in the face. I so appreciated that phone call. Not because she wanted to punch the man with no balls in the face, but because she wanted to acknowledge me for being one of those people who gives second chances. There aren't that many of us in the world, and so she wanted me to know how much she appreciated that part of me.

That's when I got, that if I could have lunch with anyone, right now, in this moment, it would be with the man with no balls. Why? You're probably wondering why on earth I'd want to have lunch with a man who has no balls. Well. It's pretty simple actually. Just as Bill said, there are very few people like me who gives second chances, who has the generosity in her heart to forgive whatever there is to forgive and to move on. A lot of people don't do that. I know a lot of them. Trust me.

Since this is my post and the question asks, if I could have lunch with anybody, that means whoever I choose is a captive audience. I'd want to have lunch with him. I'd want a captive audience so I could tell him how stupid I felt this morning when I woke up because I'd given him a second chance. That I had been willing to swallow my own pride, even though I knew it didn't have anything to do with me, and let him know that I had missed talking to him. I did, for a brief moment, feel like a complete idiot for giving him a second chance. I don't fancy myself some kind of God that allows second or third chances. No. Just a girl who has a big heart who is generous with people. Because that's what I am committed to. I want people to be great with each other so for me not to have given him a second chance, doesn't align with that.

Sometimes, being that, slaps me in the face.

And sometimes it doesn't. Lately it feels like it just keeps slapping me in the face. So I'd want to tell him how much I was impacted by him not contacting me during the week to let me know that he had changed his mind, or whatever it is that happened to him that had him disappear for the second time. I would want him to know that I sat and tried to figure out if perhaps he was married or dating several other people. I know none of that is true, and I don't so much care for wondering stupid things like that because he didn't have the balls to call me or let me know sooner.

I'd want him to know that to not honour someone's generosity is the equivilent of being kicked in the face, especially when you're not 100% sure you deserved the second chance in the first place.

I would want him to know that I am a pretty kick ass person who he will now no longer have an opportunity to get to know. That he missed out on quite likely the best thing that ever could've happened to him. I would want him to sit across from me while I leaned over the table in my fabulous new outfit with the really low cut neckline, that I bought for the fabulous date that he had, not once, but twice, promised me, so he could see what he would now no longer have an opportunity to get any closer to.

Yah. I'd want to say all those things.

I'd leave him sitting at the table, hopefully with his mouth hanging open, speechless.

And as I left, I'd whisper to the Universe, "It's probably a good idea if he not call me again."

You wanna have lunch with me? You don't have the balls to have lunch with me.

Love

#reverb11 I'm a Lover Not a Loather

2011-12-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

Day 17 - Who or what do you loathe and how have you expressed that in 2011?

To loathe - means to hate, coupled with disgust.

That's a whole lotta nasty right there.

I'm a lover, not a loather. How on earth does someone like me write about loathing?

At first I suggested to myself (yes, out loud) that I write about the fact that I dislike coconut and raisins. So much so that I tell people I'm allergic so they won't make me eat them. In fact, one year at work we did a baking exchange. If you're not familiar, that's where a group of people get together, and each person bakes a certain type of cookie or treat. And you make enough for a dozen for each person in the group. Everyone exchanges the treats and the idea is you have enough for the holidays. We used to make sure there were no allergies and such in the group, and every year I would tell people I was allergic to raisins and coconut so they wouldn't bake with them. What can I say. I have no shame.

What's funny is now, my 6 year old nephew does the same. I was in the room when one day he told my mum that he was ayyergic (he can't say his "l") to raisins. I looked at him surprised, and then he laughed. He said "Auntie Rita is ayyergic and so am I." My mum was onto him. Let's just say she can't trick me into eating them anymore.

Seriously though..loathing? Uhm. I'm not sure I know how to loathe. Does it count that I very much dislike when I run out of hot water in the shower and I haven't washed the conditioner out of my hair or had a chance to shave my legs? That's not really loathing is it? Nothing really "disgusting" about that.

I don't really care for cooked spinach. Especially on pizza. Man what is that about anyway? I'm a vegetarian and yes, I have an appreciation for green leafy vegetables, but who the heck thought putting slimy leaves of green gunk that only gets stuck in your teeth onto pizza? I mean..come on! Ohh I think I sense a little bit of disgust there.

That's not really loathing though.

That's just gross.

Someone suggested I write about "the guy with no balls". But quite frankly, there's no point in loathing him. He's just got no balls. What can you do? I was supposed to be on a date tonight. Remember I told you about the guy who I met who I really liked and we were going to go on a date, and then we rescheduled because he was sick? Then I didn't hear from him for about 10 days? Well he did tell me that he had some stuff to deal with and he wanted to call me "later on down the road". I said okay and was disappointed but went about my life. Not much I could do about that.

Then on Tuesday, I noticed I had 2 missed calls from him plus 2 text messages. He was back. We talked for an hour and it was awesome. He shared with me what happened and the stuff he needed to take care of. I thanked him for sharing it with me and we fell right back into step. It was awesome. I really like this guy so to let go of that, was tough enough and then for him to come back, boy! I was excited! He said right away "I want to see you, when can I see you". We planned a hot date for Saturday night. Tonight.

I'm pretty sure you can figure out how that went. I'm here. Writing about loathing.

That's how it went.

We talked on Tuesday. And I haven't heard from him since. I called him on Wednesday just cause I really wanted to talk to him. No answer. I texted him last night just to say I was very much looking forward to our date and if he could let me know what time to be ready that would be great.

Then, I went out and bought an unbelievably fabulous new outfit.

Still. Nothing.

So here I am. Trying to write about loathing when all I really wanted was to go out on a fabulous date that was promised to me about a month ago with a guy who I am pretty sure was the guy...only he's not. Because I'm not on my fabulous date. I'm here.

Okay. I wouldn't say I loathed him. Or the situation. But I will say I'm disappointed.

And if I could and if he were allergic to them, I'd force feed him raisins and coconut until he passed out.

I'm willing to bet a few of you are going to loathe him for me...

That's enough for me.

Love

PS if you really want to read about loathing, check out Little Yawps post on Loathing. Holy moly!

#reverb11 Quest for Purpose & Communing

2011-12-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

Day 16 - A community I love. Online and IRL we're all part of a multitude of communities. Tell us about one that moves you.

You're going to get sick of me talking about this but I can't help it. For #reverb10 I wrote about my blogging community. All of the amazing people I have had the pleasure of meeting, whether on line or in person. I don't believe in the term IRL. THIS is my life. THIS right here is my life. I don't share with you one thing and then go and share with the 3 dimensional people in my life something else. No. I share it all. Here. There. Everywhere. So The only reason I left in IRL in the prompt is because that's how it was sent. That's how I live my life. All of it is real. And all of it is important to me.

And last year I wrote about my blogging community whom I love and adore. Some I am closer to than others, but we all cheer eachother on and we hold eachother up and we want nothing but good for eachother. Granted, that might just be my perception. There could be bloggers that I know who might be waiting for an opportunity to kick me in the shins. But that's okay too. Because let's face it. Even in my 3 dimensional life, people are always eager to kick me in the shins.

And when I speak about my blogging community I really mean the amazing group of awesomeness that I have had the pleasure of communing with online. Twitter. Facebook. Blogger, foursquare. It's hard not to. It's pretty amazing.

But save for all that, the community I am so hugely present to in this moment, is my community of huggers and hugees. I have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty amazing people through the course of this year so far. People who are moved or inspired by the idea of making a difference, in some way. I don't see my hugging project as something that could change the world...or at least I didn't. Until a community started forming around the project.

Now. I believe anything is possible. For all of the 904 people I have hugged so far, who's to say that those 904 people won't go out and hug at least one person? That's 1800 strong. Then, for those 1800 to go out and hug one person. Holy moly! You see what I'm saying?

As one person, we may feel like we can't do much. All it takes is going out and doing it once.

The community starts building around it. If you're moved or inspired by what you're doing, people can't help but be drawn to it and you. That's been my experience. If I'm open and sharing and vulnerable..others will be as well.

In October, I received an email from a woman named Erin from Quest for Purpose. I didn't know who she was. Robin at Farewell Stranger passed on my contact information to Erin because Robin knew about the hugging project. I hadn't met Robin at that point either. In fact, I met and hugged Erin weeks before I even got a chance to meet Robin. Erin was looking for women to interview in her own Quest for her own purpose.

She asked to interview me based on what Robin had shared with her.

This is the result of what a community can do for you.

(I'm posting this video with some trepidation. This interview was different. Erin did not share with me the interview questions ahead of time. We met in the parking lot, we hugged. Then we walked over to where the interview took place. She got me set up with the microphone, we figured out where the best lighting was and then she hit play and asked her first question. There was no time to think about what I was going to say. This was one take. It's vulnerable. Authentic. Me. I would really love to know what you hear/see for yourself from this once you've watched it. I hope you'll share with me. Thanks in advance.)

#reverb11 Learning to Love

2011-12-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

Day 15 - Teaching moment. Sometimes we find teachers in the most unexpected places. Who surprised you as a teacher this year and what did you learn?

I have been blessed with some pretty amazing people that have come (and gone) into (and from) my life. I have so much gratitude for that.

But if I had to pick a moment from this year that was unexpected and a very pleasant surprise, I would have to point automatically to one Judy Clement Wall who writes Zebra Sounds and is the creator of j's Love Project. I will NEVER forget the day that a friend of mine pointed me in J's direction. That was the day my life changed forever and for good. Because of her I am not even the same person I was when this year started. Because of her, I too was able to love fearlessly and kick some ass.

Because of her, very boldly, but without doing anything, became a part of my everyday. I even remember the day I had the balls to send her a friend request on Facebook. That simply wasn't done. I couldn't just send her a friend request never having met her. I followed her blog. That should've been enough. But it wasn't. Only because Judy taught me how how to unleash the love I had inside. I kept it hidden, even from myself. And then she wrote about how it was okay for me to just unleash it. Well she didn't write about that exact thing but to me, that's what she wrote about.

And I'll always remember the day she posted her Love Manifesto. Oh my word, that was a darn fine day indeed. I learned a valuable lesson from her Manifesto where she talks about unabashed gratitude and kick ass kindness, and she uses the words doe-eyed and talks about joining her as a Love Warrior. Hell yeah I'd join her.

I'd practically follow her to the ends of the earth. Why? Because she taught me what I'd been waiting to learn.

How I could love the way I'd always wanted to. The way I'd been aching to love people of the world, (including myself).

She taught me how to choose love in a world of cynics and how much courage that takes.

But mostly, she reminded me how much I am moved by people, and that it's okay to love them. Even if they don't always love me back.

THAT right there is worth it's weight in gold.

And if my year ended right here, I'd be totally happy. Thankfully I've been blessed to come to call Judy my friend, and somewhere between January 26th and January 30th when I am visiting California, Judy and I will be meeting for breakfast, lunch, coffee, whatever, and you can damn well bet that day will include a hug or two.

Today is Judy's birthday and I am ever so grateful that her parents met and had her.

Because she will always be my touchstone.

When I forget that loving is what I do best, I know that Judy will find a way to remind me.

Love

#reverb11 Oh So Grateful

2011-12-14T15:00:00.001-08:00

Day 14 - Gratitude. What (5) things are you most grateful for from 2011?

I love when prompt makes me smile. This one did that. I grinned actually. Not because I knew what I would say, but because I knew I had at least 5 things to be grateful for from this year (so far).

1. I am going to start with one of the most recent things. My online friends. There was a time when the only people you met on line were people you might be interested in dating. Boy we sure have come a long way haven't we? Now we have Twitter, and Facebook and Blogging and LinkedIn and foursquare and all those other things I don't even know about or don't use. Some of my closest relationships/friendships that I have currently came out of my presence on social media in all it's form. One of my very favorites from this year was meeting my friend Maureen who lives in Portugal. We met playing a game on FB over 2 years ago, and hit it off like a house on fire and just kept chatting and making eachother laugh. When it came time to plan a trip for myself this year, I emailed Maureen and asked her if I came to Portugal would she want to meet up? She didn't just want to meet up. She picked me and my friend up from the airport and I KNOW how excited she was about that. And she also invited us to stay with her for 8 days. It was the best 8 days of my life and our first face to face meeting was when she picked us up from the airport the day we arrived. What's not be grateful for?

Speaking of online friends, I also want to be sure to mention what happened when we found out that #reverb11 would not be happening in the same context as #reverb10. We found out 36 hours before it was supposed to start. A lot of people were pissed off about that. I was disappointed and then almost immediately after reading the email got on Twitter and asked who wanted to join forces and create it for this year. Within 2.5 hours thanks to 2 very generous and super fun people I "met" online, we had a website (more or less), all the prompts written, a button for anyone who wanted to participate and everything else we needed to ensure it happened for all who still wanted to write.

There's magic in that.

2. My very own congregation of awesome. I have never known such richness and boldness and grace in my relationships. I have what can only be described as the best group of friends a girl can ask for. The shared laughter, and tears and yells and screams, and weddings and babies, and endings and beginnings that we all share. It's priceless. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hope everyone is blessed with friends like these. So much love in my heart for all of them.

3. Sex. There I said it. I am about a million times more than soooooo grateful for the amazing, awesome, mindblowing, discreet, naughty, crazy, totally fulfilling, toe curling, hair raising, mutually satisfying, daytime, nighttime, afternoon delight time, secret time sex that I've had this year. So So Grateful.

4. Opportunities to share love. Always grateful for that. I have been to what feels like, so many weddings this year, and every single one of them makes my heart expand. When there's that much love in the world to share, what else is there?

5. And of course my hugs. Ohhh..my hugs. My project. The hugs. All the hugs. The people who I get to hug. The enthusiasm, the excitement, the media attention, all of it. Everything to do with the hugs. Oh. I love. The Hugs.

What about you? What are you grateful for? I wanna know. I really really do.

PS. I know I didn't say it, but I'm so grateful for you.

Love xo

#reverb11 What I Feared Most

2011-12-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

Day 13 – Fear. What scared you more than anything else? Did you learn anything new about yourself?

The thing that scared me more than anything else, and scares me right this minute is the end of my hugging project.

When I started it, it was meant to last a month, and that would be that. I would have had an opportunity to do something fun and connect with people and then that would be that. I’d come up with something else. I always come up with something else. That’s who I am. I’m a come up with something else kinda gal. I love doing projects, having fun, making a difference in whatever way I can.

After Day 4, when a good friend of mine texted me and asked if she could be my hug for the day and got such a warm, loving hug from her (along with 3 other close friends), and then when she said that I had just altered her entire day, I knew a month simply wasn’t long enough. So I made it a year. The Year of Hugging Fearlessly. A year is a long time right? A year would give me a lot of time to hug a lot of people, and give me ample opportunity to stretch myself outside of my own comfort zone. Hugging one person every day for a year would be a stretch. Or so I thought. Then when I started to hug more and more people, and started to be invited to parties and classes and such just so I could come and hug people, the project took on new meaning. It became less about being afraid to ask people for hugs and more about how open I was willing to be to see the kinds of connections I was making.

People were engaging. People were lining up (sometimes literally) for their turn to get a hug. I started to see the difference it was making for people. The smiles that would light up their faces. It’s very noticeable on those homeless people that I’ve hugged. Of course they would be thrilled. I bet they don’t often get hugs from strangers. I wanted to say that I bet they go days without hugging anyone, but in reality, a lot of go days without any sort of physical contact with another human being.

I know I did. Before I started the hugging, yes, I hugged friends and family, but sometimes I’d go days without seeing anyone to hug. Because so often we only hug those we know. We as human beings crave physical connection. We don’t always get it, but we crave it. It’s what keeps us going. It’s what fuels us in life. It’s a basic, fundamental need that we have. So many of us don’t realize that. So many are in relationships so physical contact is a no brainer. You may not even be aware of it as much because it’s so much a part of your life.

Take it from me. It’s a huge missing in my life. Well, it was. I had no idea what would come out of hugging someone new every day. I did not expect to become so open and vulnerable. Not only am I being that but those I come into contact with share those same thoughts. I am fairly certain if you ask those closest to me, I am not the same person I was before February 1st. Before this project, I was still happy. I loved my life and my friends and connected with people. Just not on this level.

I have such appreciation for that.

Today is Day #316 – out of 365. There are only 49 days left. Although I’m excited to my goal realized, I have so much fear around it too. What am I going to do once it’s over? What will I create for next year? How will I continue to nourish my need for physical connection if not by hugging someone every day. My fear isn’t something that’s already happened. My fear is with me always. And thanks to my project, I am not very much aware of what was missing in my life.

I realize I can keep the project going, and come up with a new version of it. I’m down with that. But what will move and inspire me as much as this has?

How will I ensure that my connections are just as authentic and fulfilling?

Will I still jump out of bed everyday knowing that I may not get to hug anyone?

Will the people of the world still know how much I love them? How awesome I think they are?

It may seem irrational to some.

But for me, the fear is pretty real at the moment.

Love

#reverb11 Day 12 Twelve Things

2011-12-12T17:40:00.001-08:00

Day 12 - 12 Things. What are 12 things that your life doesn't need in 2012? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these things change your life?

So I should probably warn you. I'm pretty cranked up right now. And by cranked up, I mean CRANKY! Super duper cranky. Like cranky enough to swear. I won't but I totally could.

That cranky.

And also...why do I need to come up with 12 things that I need to get rid of? I already got rid of 11 last year. What makes you think I have another 12? Shit.

Fine.

The curtains in my living room. I’ve had them since I moved into the house. In fact, they came with the house. I HATE them. I have to move the couch to close them, because there are 4 panels and the windows are big. But I’m not a fan of the curtains you close using a string/pulley system like my parents used to have. And although the curtains serve the purpose, they are harder to ignore now that the living room is renovated and redecorated. So, it’s time to get rid of the curtains. For good. Maybe wooden slatted blinds...ohhh..now that would be nice.

TThe table in the dining room. When I was 20, I bought a round table from someone I used to work with at my first radio station job. He used to work in a mental health facility and the “residents” would make these tables. It’s a lovely round picnic table style set with four benches. It’s not meant to go outside, although it probably could...but it would have to be stained every year. It is an indoor kitchen table. I have had it since I was 20. Seriously. It was the first piece of furniture I ever bought, and it cost me $40 because he wanted to get rid of it. I think after 22 years, it’s time for ME to find another use for it. I see a new dining room table and chairs in my future in 2012.

The single life. ‘nuff said. (and i'm actually really mad that i even have to say that)

The despair about thinking i'm going to die alone, which is actually just despair that is always there and I refuse to acknowledge it's there because it's too fucking painful to acknowledge so I pretend like it's fine.

Thinking that I need to be friends with everyone. There are some relationships in my life that are negative influences and all they do is drag me down, and yet I keep thinking i can do something about it. Like I have the magic answer. You know...sometimes, people aren't going to like me. So I can be okay with that. I will survive it. And frankly, there are people who don't like me now. And I'm not dead.

The toxic relationships that don't work. I'll definitely be giving those the heave ho

The vacuum that's been downstairs for almost a year that I don't need/use. I have 2.

The bike I just bought. I don't know why I bought it. I don't like it. I want a pink one. This one is not pink. This one is just a bike. And it's made for short tiny people. I am not that.

All the old paint cans in the basement.

My need to have everything figured out. I can just let people see me when I'm not good instead of trying to sort myself out and not giving people the opportunity to contribute to me.

My anger/hurt towards anyone who "wronged" me this year. It's not even necessary to take it into the future with me. It can stay right here. Where it belongs. Complete.

Any and all of the clutter I have in the house that no one sees but me. I need to stop complaining about it and just do something about it.

The End.

Love xo

#reverb11 Day 11 I don't believe in regrets

2011-12-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

Day 11 - What do you wish you had done more of in 2011?

I just got home from a very full day. First a celebration of life. My friend, who I have known since highschool, lost her partner a few days ago. He had been dealing w/cancer in it's various forms for a number of years and it seems to have won. Today would have been his 54th birthday and so she had a celebration for him. A lot of friends and family. There was laughter and beer and wine and tears and more laughter and a lot of people sharing stories about how they knew him. So much courage for her to be willing to open up her home and her life only a few short days since she lost her best friend.

Before I left the house, I wrote this on my status update on FB: Rita is heading out to celebrate the life of a man who would have been 54 today. Celebrating the life of a man who died w/no regrets. A perfect lesson in "there is no someday". What the eff are you waiting for? Do the thing. Say the thing. Buy the thing. Go all out. Balls to the wall. Leap. Jump. Skip. Dance. Say I love you as often as you can. Break your heart open. Seriously. There are only 7 days in the week and "someday" is not one of them.

So to answer this prompt, it would mean I would have to tell you that i wish i had done x, y and z this past year. But given that I leapt, and danced and jumped and skipped and bought the thing, and said the thing and went all out and said I love you as often as I could, and broke my heart open...there really isn't anything that I wish I had done more of in 2011.

It was one of the most vulnerable years for me. There is no denying it. I cried more, I laughed more, I hugged more. I guess if I had to choose one thing that I wish I had done more of in 2011 I would say that I wish I had loved more.

There are people who will say I'm crazy for saying that since I love. I love alot. But there are people who I did not love enough or in the way that I know to love, because I had my opinions about them. And because of those opinions, I didn't let myself love them with my whole heart for fear of getting hurt.

I can tell you that for 2012, that won't be my commitment to life. I can have opinions about people and still love them with my whole heart.

But given I am somebody who lives her life "balls to the wall"...I can't really say that I have any sentence that would start with "I wish I had..." this year..and if I can help it...may I never start a sentence like that ever...again.

Love

PS One of the reverb11 posts I want to point you to today is actually from my dear sweet (favorite) Brandee from Day 8 - Joy. Please go have a read when you have a moment.

#reverb11 Day 10 Beautiful is You

2011-12-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

Day 10 - Beauty. Describe a moment of beauty that you witnessed this year.

I am sure if I thought long and hard, longer and harder than I've already been thinking about this year, I'd be able to come up with a few really beautiful moments that i experienced this year. Like that first moment I saw my very first beach in the Algarve in Portugal. The red sand, and the slight spray from the surf. Or standing at the top of Montjuic and taking in the view of Barcelona...a city i will never get over.

Or that moment I sat down at the Canadian pub in Albufeira and looked into the eyes of the most beautiful Englishman I've ever laid eyes on in my life...*sigh*..............................................................

But to be honest, the most beautiful moments I've experienced this year, the moments of beauty, are when I read the words of someone who is willing to lay their heart and soul out there for everyone in the world to read. When someone like Jason at Love Letters and Suicide Notes puts his words onto the screen, and then lucky for us, hits "publish". Or when my absolutely beautiful friend Judy at Zebra Sounds writes or shares anything and everything to do with her Love Project. Beauty is also for me, when my friend Sandi steps outside of her own comfort zone to write something like Starbursts, Sirens and Siriously Shining and changes my life. Or when someone shares their thoughts about pure, unadulteraed JOY!

Yes. Beauty is in moments. Beauty is in physical form, and in our minds eye. Beauty is in the shape of a heart, or the sound of a small child's barefeet running down a hallway, or the sound of his laughter. Beauty is in my own tears when I get to the other side of whatever it is I'm feeling. Beauty is that bowl of ice cream I've been dreaming about for a week and finally treat myself to. Beauty is also in my favorite hockey team winning a game, or in that hot guy I see at the coffee shop every morning when he finally smiles at me.

But to be quite honest with you...the majority of beautiful moments I've experienced this year, is in another's words...in YOUR words.

Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.

Love

PS There are so many posts I wanted to share I think I could have included another 40 or so, but know that even though it's not included here, that it has been in the past, or it will be in the future.

#reverb11 Day 9 Disappointment

2011-12-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

Day 9 - Disappointment. What was the one disappointment you had that turned out to be a blessing in the last 12 months? How will this affect how you deal w/disappointment in the future?

I almost wish this one wasn't as easy as it is. It was the first thing that popped to mind when I read the prompt.

I think quite possibly one of the biggest disappointments of my LIFE, not just of the past 12 months. And so funny to think of it as a blessing. But there's no other way to say it. It sure as heck was.

I wrote about it twice. Once here, - Discomfortable - when I didn't get the job, and once shortly after when I didn't get the job and called and spoke to my friend Sandi at DevaCoaching and she asked if I would write a guest post about disappointment since none of us really handle disappointment very well - The Power of Being with What Is. Since I wrote about it so much in those 2 posts, I thought I would spare you the poor me's and just skip straight to the blessing in not getting the job.

Being disappointed is something that I do ever so well. I don't mean I deal with it well, I just mean I know how to be disappointed. I've been disappointed so often in so many areas of my life, I think it's safe to say I've lost track. We all fall. We all stumble. We all fail. And yet we act like it's the end of the world and only for us. Like it's personal to just us. Like no one else has ever failed. Sometimes it takes something like disappointment on that level to have us really see what we haven't been willing to see.

Like myself for example. After I'd given myself the week to be disappointed, I was done with it. Literally. I gave myself the week and then was done. No kidding. It can totally work like that. And what I got to see after that is that I have been living my life like finding the perfect job (whatever that is) is like life and death for me. Like I will not be able to survive my life if I don't find the perfect job. Like my job defines me. Like it is the thing that has me realize that i have "arrived" somewhere.

It's not. It's a job. At the end of the day it's the thing that has me live the life I love. The job is what pays for me to travel, and pay my mortgage, and do all the other awesome things I love to do. It's not who I am though. Would I love to be waking up and jumping out of bed excited to go to work everyday? Sure. Do I hate my job? No.

So since returning from Beijing in 2008 I have been living my life like all will be well with the world once I find the perfect job. And not getting this one, made me realize something. I had an opportunity to re-prioritize. The things that matter to me the most landed at the top of the list. And the perfect job is about half way down. I have people in my life who love me. Who don't want me to move. (this job would've included a pretty major move). I have a family I can't imagine not seeing at least once a month, especially my monkeys. There's on way I'd be able to be away from them for too long. I have a home that I cherish and friendships that mean the world to me. A life that is awesome.

And I'm still looking for something else?

Am I crazy?

Well, yes. I think temporarily, I was.

What's funny is that since not getting the job, something shifted for me at my current job. I know that the "right" job will come along at just the right time. And now, I enjoy going to work every day. I am engaged and helpful. I no longer have this awful attitude, that wasn't working for me but I couldn't shake. I no longer resent my boss or the people I work with. I am genuinely happy for the people who have found new jobs. I am just genuinely happy. I know that the people I work with can tell and especially my boss has noticed the difference.

If being disappointed lands me in this place...I'm happy to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'd rather not experience it any more than the average bear, but if I have to...this is exactly how I would want the blessings to go.

Leaving me with more of an appreciation for the things that really matter to me.

Love

#reverb11 Day 8 JOY!

2011-12-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

Day 8 - Take us back to a moment this year when you experienced pure, unadulterated joy.

Joy. The most amazing 3 letter word ever. Unless you're a kid, then that would likely be toy, but you get the point.

Today was a tough day for me. Only because I woke up this morning missing my dad very much. He died 11 years ago, and he was my dad. You know...and I woke up this morning thinking about all the things he's been missing. Life is amazing and he doesn't get to see it. So although I was feeling like that, I was still thinking about joy.

There have been so many moments of joy in my life this past year. When you wake up every morning with the intention of hugging somebody new every day...it's kind of tough not to have the experience of joy more often than not.

I have scoured all the photos on the fanpage for the hugging and there are just too many to even consider using one of them. Then I went through all of my photos from Spain and Portugal, and there were so many moments of pure unadulterated joy. So many. All you have to do is go through the albums and you'll see the smiles on my face in each and everyone. I'm fairly certain my face hurt constantly for 3 weeks. Especially the moment we got off the plane in Faro, Portugal and my friend Maureen was waiting for us. That was a beautiful moment.

But even that doesn't qualify as the experience that stands out.

The one that stands out is one I can't even tell you about. It lives in my head and only 2 people...wait, make that 3 people know about it. Well I suppose 5..but you get the picture. It was one of those experiences so full of joy I hardly knew what to do with myself. When I relive it, I get that same feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling like I'm about to jump out of my skin I'm so excited. It was something I'd never done, and likely never will again. But it resulted in me high-5'ing myself in the bathroom mirror in the morning while getting ready.

I've never high-5'd myself in the mirror for anything before. Just writing about it brings me such joy, although knowing you'll read this and go wtf? that's a bit tougher, but trust me when I tell you, it was definitely the moment I experienced pure joy.

I have a huge smile on my face now as I relive it.

I'm just sorry I can't tell you about it.

Sometimes, #reverb11 can be a bit of a b*tch hey? :)

Love

PS I noticed that I haven't had as many comments lately. Is that because my posts suck or because everyone is just having a hard time keeping up? Please say you're having a hard time keeping up. I don't think I could take it if you said my posts suck. Not today.

And today, even though she cheated, I LOVE this post about Joy on the face of a child. Happy Birthday, Monkeybeans at Streetlight Imagination. Go check it out will you?

#reverb11 Day 7 - Forgiveness

2011-12-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

Day 7 - Forgiveness. Who have you forgiven this year, and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them?

I will admit, I've been giving some thought to this post since I saw the prompt. I don't usually even look at the prompts until I'm ready to write, but I'm glad I looked at this one. I keep thinking to myself, "there's gotta be someone that I forgave for something this year" and I'm willing to be there are a number of people that I have forgiven...but I keep coming back to one person. The one that stands out the most. Myself.

When I look up forgiveness in the dictionary (online) it says "the act of forgiving".

That's about right. It's something that we give. Forgiveness is for-giving. Not forkeepingalltoourselvesandbeingstingy.

I too, much like what others have written about today, used to have a hard time forgetting what people had done, or if I felt I'd been wronged. It doesn't make for a very peaceful life, if I'm walking around in it, never being complete with anyone. It takes up so much space in my head. If I wake up thinking about it, it's not doing me any good. So at some point, I got smart, and I also heard someone say that...I think it might've been in a course I took once, that forgiveness if for-giving and that we as human beings are stingy. We want people to suffer. When ultimately, we're the one's who end up doing all the suffering.

Much like I have for many years.

I have forgiven myself a lot this year, and I think it's a constant exercise in moving forward. The more we see for ourselves, the more there is to forgive, and keep moving forward.

Earlier this year, I got how much the background mood of my life runs my life - I don't matter. And how the primary thought I have is "I can't have what I want". And when those 2 join forces, I don't stand a chance, and neither does anyone else. As I saw that, I started to notice how I make sure I matter in relationships. I have been strategic in getting my own value and worth through other people. Until I realized that's what I was doing. And now it's all up to me. And holy moly, do I matter. I have spent weeks..maybe even months, swimming in my own value. Holding myself to account and being responsible for all the things I've done, all the strategies I've deployed and all the ways I've been that haven't worked.

And then I forgave myself, each one.

There is something to be said for spending a little bit of time feeling bad or sad or disappointed, and then there's just forgiveness.

I find myself sometimes, inspired by the simple act of forgiveness. And then sometimes, it can be tough. Especially when I am right that someone wronged me. Oh man. That's can be a challenge. But at the end of the day, I can be right, and choose to suffer, or I can just forgive.

I choose that instead.

Love xo

Today's payitforward #reverb11 introduction is to Jason's blog. I first encountered Jason during reverb10 and I am so grateful. Each time I read his words, I hold my breath. Love Letters & Suicide Notes. I'd love for you to read his Day 7 - Forgiveness post. It is beyond words.

#reverb11 Day 6 What Made Me Laugh?

2011-12-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

Day 6 - What Made You Laugh This Year?

I think the question actually needs to be rephrased to ask "Who made you laugh this year?" Although the answer would be the same. What made me laugh this year is my friend Bill...or as her famly likes to call her - Nic to the power of Ole. (I'm kidding, her family doesn't call her that, I just made that up).

No one makes me laugh like she makes me laugh. We have known eachother for a number of years, and from what I can see is that this is a friendship to last through the ages. I adore her. I'm pretty sure she adores me too. We have so much fun together. Sometimes we cry together, or we fight, which is never that much fun, but we have so much fun together, it makes it hard to remember the fights and tears. That's not to say that the fighting and the tears are bad. I like to think of it as taking our friendship to new levels, consistently. And to do that, sometimes, there needs to be uncomfortable moments.

My favorite parts of my work day, are when she calls me up at the office and sings me some song she made up. I don't know if you've ever seen the new show "New Girl"...but that's her. The only thing missing is her own jingle. She comes up with her own verses to songs that sometimes don't make any sense. We laugh often about how she could make any unpleasant thing pleasant simply by singing about it. I told her she needs to hire herself out as someone who fires people by singing to them.

Okay, you might think I'm kidding. But I"m not. A few weeks ago, she really wanted to come over and make me pancakes for breakfast. So one Sunday morning she trudged on over with all of her pancake supplies and took over my kitchen, and using Martha Stewart's recipe for the fluffliest pancakes on the planet, whipped up a batch...or 10. They were the most amazing pancakes ever. The house smelled great all day too. But for about a week before she sent me a Survey Monkey and had me choose from ghetto whip cream in a can or homemade fluffy whip cream; fruit toppings or no. Ghetto syrup from a plastic bottle or organic maple syrup. And there was even a section for songs. What song did I want her to sing when she walked in the door, what song while she was serving up the orange juice, what song I wanted to hear while she whipped up the pancakes. You get the picture.

Yesterday, she was pretty blue, and she called me at work to just lament a little bit...when I asked her how she was, she sang me a song about how she wanted to jump off a building, she was so blue. But that's what she does. She's happiest (I think) when she knows she makes me giggle. It's kind of who she is. She's the one who makes us all laugh..a lot. We're pretty close, so I get to see her when her singing is broken...when she's not in the mood to sing. But for the most part, she sings her way through life.

And boy oh boy does she make me laugh. Not to mention, you know it's been a good night with Bill when I come home and my face hurts a little bit from all the laughing.

I think everyone needs to have a friend who sings to them.

I look forward to another year of laughing...

Love xo

#reverb11 Day 5 - Guilty Pleasures

2011-12-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

#reverb11 - Day 5 - Describe 5 Guilty Pleasures

My first thought when I read today's prompt was: I only get 5? And then as I started to think about them..I could barely come up with 5. The thing is, I share a lot. I don't really hold anything back, I'm a "wear my heart on my sleeve kind of gal" which means you already know more about me than maybe you should...oh never mind the word should...maybe you know more about me than a lot of people do. But I don't really believe in holding myself back. What's the point in having a blog, and sharing "life" if I'm not willing to share all of it? I did get nominated for the "Best Life" category for the Canadian Weblog Awards. There's gotta be a reason right?

Well...now that I've said all that, I feel like I can really take on this prompt and tell you what my 5 guilty pleasures are...and having said that, there's a pretty good chance I have more than 5...but for now..you get 5. (I don't really know what this prompt has to do with reflecting on the year, but if I had to make something up, I'd go with finally having the balls to share them out loud). :)

1. I love nothing more than taking 30 minute hot showers. I will get up 15 minutes early or an hour early or whatever, so I don't have to sacrifice my shower in the morning. Yesterday, I ran out of hot water since my temporary roomie showered while I was sleeping, and although it happens, on Sunday's (especially) I LOVE my long, hot showers. I figure, I pay the bills, I get to take a 30 minute shower if I want to. Sometimes, it's not that long. Sometimes, I only take 15...or 20. But the option to take a 30 minute shower...it's like foreplay for me.

2. Okay. I might as well just jump into this one. I like soft porn. :) There I said it. And by soft porn, I mean True Blood (especially Season 1) and Hung. AND..every now and again...it really doesn't happen often, but sometimes, I like to check out some new amateur youporn videos. If you don't know what that is, it's like youtube, only not. I am not a fan of porn off the shelf. BUT...show me an amateur video...every now and again (like every 6 months or so), and I have an appreciation for it. (hey, don't judge me).

3. Air Supply. Girl you're every woman in the woooorld...to me. You're my fantasyyyyy..you're everything i neeeeed...oh giiiiirrrlll..... Come on. What girl wouldn't admit to wanting someone standing outside her bedroom window singing that to her?

4. Cheesy, (the cheesier the better) Romantic Comedies. I watch Love, Actually every December. Sometimes, I'll even watch it in the summer, but it's not as effective. The Holiday. LOVE! PS I Love You, is actually my very favorite movie in the whole entire world...although not necessarily a comedy. I LOVED 50 First Dates, w/o fail I'm going to love anything Drew Barrymore is in. I have a date with 12 girlfriends to see "New Years Eve" which is a cheesy romantic comedy coming out with a star studded cast, including, (and the emphasis is on studded) Jon Bon Jovi. Hello! Wait. What were we just talking about?

5. It's a toss up. Spending an entire day in bed (which doesn't happen very often), or spending the entire day on Twitter (which also doesn't happen very often). Sometimes, it's tough for me to stay in bed all day, just cause eventually my back starts to hurt, but man..it's so comfortable, and if I'm in just the right position, with the sheets twisted around me and the duvet all good and snuggly..I will stay there. At least until I have to pee. I even trick myself sometimes, and sleep with my bedroom window open, so that it's too cold to get out of bed. But again...I almost always, inevitably, will have to pee. Actually now that I say that, one of my very favorite guilty pleasures is to wake up on a Sunday morning, (go pee) and then stay in bed and call as many overseas friends as I can and talk to them for as long as I possibly can. It's a good phone call catch up day for me, provided I don't need to leave to go and hug someone, I could do that all day. And I have.

Okay, I hope you won't think any less of me...especially with that whole Air Supply thing. :)

Love
xo

I am going to have to come back and feature someone a bit later today since not everyone has their posts up, and I can't seem to access a whole bunch of stuff at the moment. Stay tuned...

#reverb11 Day 4 Letting Go

2011-12-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

Day 4 - Addition Through Subtraction: What have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

It's very possible I'll cry as I write this...

I've been reluctant to share about this, but this type of exercise is exactly what #reverb is about.

This year, the most important thing I let go of was ending my 22 year friendship with my best friend. It was by far the most important and significant relationship in my life for a very long time. I loved her so much more than I loved myself for so long. I loved everything about her.

She has a laugh that would catch your attention from across a crowded room. She taught me freedom in expressing my laugh as well. We laughed a lot over the many years. We had so much fun together...so much fun. Parties, and sleepovers, photo shoots, weekends away, holidays, dinner parties, pot lucks, family dinners. She was easy to please...sometimes. If I brought over anything sweet, especially double stuff fudgee-os and oreo cookies. Or peanut m&ms.

We used to smoke together. We got drunk together. We even smoked some pot together. We took road trips together, she spent many nights at my family's place whenever she was around. I was there the day her baby learned to walk. I'll never forget that moment, they were in the kitchen making dinner, or cleaning up or something and I happened to be sitting in the living room with the baby, and she walked. She took her first few steps. Oh I'll never forget that.

We watched 5 seasons of Survivor together...every Thursday night. When they renovated their home, I still spent Thursdays with them, only at the in-laws. I fell in love with her family and the extended family.

We went through so much together.

The week my dad died, she took a bus for 3 hours in the snow, to come see me and bring me a bag of clothes since I hadn't been prepared for that tragedy in my family. It was an incredible thing. We clocked hours and hours and hours and hours on the phone. I'm sure if talking on the phone were an Olympic event, we'd at the very least, qualify.

After reading all this, you might be wondering why we are no longer friends. I love her still. I never stopped loving her, although I knew that I would end up hating her. She means too much to me for me to want to hate her. The past few years, I've haven't been the best kind of friend, there were expectations I simply wasn't willing to meet, I just kept disappointing her because I wasn't willing to be the friend she wanted me to be. I'm not entirely sure where or when it went array, but it did. Several years ago in fact.

I just kept hoping. Trying. Wishing. Hoping.

I know that I frustrated her. That I wasn't there for her in the way she wanted me to be. I couldn't be. Too often I lost myself and I wasn't willing to let that happen anymore.

I did what I could to ensure that she knew I loved her. I loved her more than I could even express. She meant the world to me. As you can imagine, it didn't go that well. She called me a coward (among other things) and I wondered, briefly if she was right. And to some it may appear like I was perhaps that. Personally, I think it took a lot of courage for me to do what I needed to do to put my value ahead of anyone else's.

I understand. I changed the rules. That doesn't always work out so well.

The hardest part has been sharing with people. For a number of years, I have struggled w/these feelings, brushing them aside, getting them complete, creating something new, until I just couldn't deny it anymore. It wasn't working. But on the surface, to others, it looked like the picture perfect friendship. All I wanted to do was be as responsible as I could be, for my role in it.

I see what I did. I know that I did not value myself enough in the relationship, and not just this one, to see what was happening. Until I did.

Ending the friendship is not what I wanted to do. And that's how it is for now.

I am open to a new kind of friendship with her, because she is my family. She lives in my heart always.

As far as how I feel about it, or how it has impacted me? Well, I do feel lighter. With more of a sense of freedom. Not because she made me feel neither of those things. But because it's tough to live through a day knowing you're not being the best kind of friend you can be, and disappointing someone who means so much. I feel a new sense of openness, and I've had many people say they don't know why but they feel there's space in my life for them now.

The bottom line for me in all of this is I want her to be happy. I suppose much like in any relationship, there can come a point when no matter what you try, doesn't work. And I didn't feel that I was making her happy anymore.

I really do hope we find a way back to eachother in the future. And in the meantime, I have so many memories that I get to keep with me always.

Love

PS this post doesn't even begin to touch the surface of how much she means to me. But it's a start.

#reverb11 Day 3, When Time Stands Still

2011-12-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

Day 3- A Moment In Time ~ Tell us about one moment that you lived in 2011, that you will never forget.

I've been giving this prompt some thought today, while I was out doing some errands. I've been doing my best to catch up on and read all the posts from today, but it's not as easy as it sounds. From what I hear the distribution list is doubling every day which is spectacular which just means there are more and more posts to read.

I'm on my way to a gala tonight so I only have a few minutes for this one, but I hope you won't feel I half-assed it. I really do put a lot of myself into these posts. I've been noticing some folks sharing that they are uninspired by the prompts, and although I get it, I really do feel it has nothing to do with the prompts. It's all about how much of ourselves we are willing to put into each prompt. What I loved about the reverb10 exercise was how much of myself I threw down into every single post. Hence all the amazing people I've had the pleasure of "meeting" and having been introduced to since then.

I keep thinking about all those amazing moments...you know, all those amazing moments that can happen over the course of a year. I've had so many of those moments...It's been a pretty incredible year. So much has happened, and yet, as I shared in my first prompt, I can account for every day since February 1st.

As I've been thinking about those moments, the one that keeps flashing back to me, over and over again, is the first moment that my friend WendyLou and I got out of the taxi right out in front of La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, Spain. That moment took my breath away. I don't know if you've seen Pretty Woman, but there's a scene where Julia Roberts first walks into the expensive hotel she'll be staying in for the week, and the first word out of her mouth in this very awkward, adorable way is "Wow" as her head falls back and her mouth falls open and she stares at the ceiling. Well, it was kind of like that.

I don't think I could come up with the words to express what that moment was like for me, but I wrote about it then...Me Encanta La Sagrada Familia. I hope you'll take a few moments and read it. There are photos too...

Truly a moment I will never forget.

Love

PS The member of the #reverb11 tribe I'd like to introduce you to today is Michael Douglas Jones. His prompts have moved me. He's new to the tribe and yet he's taken it on fully. Today's post is a new perspective and one I think I might adopt. Go say hi when you have a moment. Day 3, A Moment in Time.

#reverb11 Day 2 My Children?

2011-12-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

Day 2: My Children Will Do it Differently - If you could choose one thing that your children will do or experience in a different way than you have, what would it be and why?

I will be totally honest. When I saw today's prompt, I got annoyed. I don't have any frikkin' children. Why the frick should I have to write about the one's I don't have?? And then, I started reading some of the posts from today...and then I realized I wasn't annoyed. I actually think I'm resigned to never having any children. And then I got inspired.

If there were one thing that my children would do or experience in a different way than I have, it would be standing up for themselves and what they believe in. I often look back and wonder how my life would've turned out differently if I hadn't just gone ahead with the arranged marriage or even if I'd stayed married. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes, I wonder...would I be happy? What if I had stood up for myself back then and said that what I wanted was to fall in love with someone and THEN marry them. NOT the other way around.

Not much point in wondering, but I do it sometimes.

And now I see the point.

So that I could share with you, that the one thing I would want my kids to do/experience differently is standing up for themselves and their dreams.

Not backing down when a grown up says "because I said so". That's not a real response. That's just a cop out. A means to not have to come up with a response that makes sense.

Not taking anything laying down.

Being respectful while still holding onto the dreams that they want.

The beautiful thing about kids is that one minute they want to be Spiderman. The next, The Hulk.

That's why being a kid is so magical. Because they get to be whoever they want to be.

I would want my kids to know what it's like to experience having the freedom to BE whoever they want to be, and then change their minds.

Love xo

P.S. In the interest of building the community that #reverb11 is "famous" for, first I'd like to say thank you to all the new readers to my blog. I LOVE all the comments on yesterday's post. So grateful for all of you.

Also, I wanted to let any other fellow #reverb11 participants to know that since we did not have time to create an official website for the prompts this year, I did create a fanpage where we could all join and share our links to posts as a means of finding eachother easier. please feel free to share it with your friends, either on your blogs or on Twitter or your facebook page. Thanks in advance for that.

And lastly, in an effort to share some of the amazing posts that are generated thanks to #reverb11, I am going to be featuring one of my fellow bloggers each day. Yesterday, it was my beautiful soul sister Stereo and today, I'd like you to be sure to go over and read Beth's post on Day 2 Our Children Will Do It Differently.

#reverb11 Day 1 One Word

2011-12-01T10:27:00.000-08:00

One Word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word.Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

I woke up at 430 this morning like a child on Christmas morning because I was so excited about Day 1 of the new version of #reverb11. Something I had a hand in creating along w/some pretty amazing people (mentioned in yesterday's post) who I met via Twitter during #reverb10. I am still amazed at what can be possible when a small community of people come together when something matters to them. Amazing.

So I was equally excited to see that the Day 1 prompt was the same as last year. A fantastically fitting way to begin this new chapter:Last year, when I answered this prompt my word for 2010 was magic. I had chosen the word "wonder" for 2011, looking forward and I think it is safe to say that I got more than I even could have imagined. I think at the time I wrote that, wonder to me meant a world of surprises. A world where I never knew what could open up simply by being in the world. I will admit, I forgot about the word. I didn't refer back to see it until this morning.

Having said that, I think the word that best encapsulates 2011 for me is Present. As in being that.

I can clearly remember on January 1st, driving home w/my dear friend WendyLou after an amazing overnight party w/14 awesome friends in a house on the water w/a hottub. She had just returned from Australia the day before and we had sooo much to catch up on. That, I can honestly say, is the only thing I remember about January.

Have you ever found yourself in December wondering where the year went? How it was possible that the end of the year was upon us? Well I sure have. In the past, that's how every year would go. Until I discovered the art of actually creating my life, moment by moment. I can tell you that I had a pretty great summer, although slightly less exciting than last year.

I enrolled myself into the University Public Relations Diploma Program. I went to Spain and Portugal and Vegas and enjoyed the hockey playoffs with friends. I re-did my bathroom, I saw Bon Jovi this year. But the thing I can tell you for certain that has me choose the word Present for 2011 is that in February 1st I started living my life w/purpose. To hug someone new everyday for 365 days. I can't tell you for certain what I did every day this year, but I can tell you where I was, or who I hugged. I can account for all 303 days, (so far) and all 850+ hugs.

I know that on Day 4, I hugged 4 of my closest girlfriends when we all went to a lap dance instruction class in February; I know that on Day 53 I hugged a lovely gal named Sarah at the Bon Jovi concert who has become a friend since then. I remember the night I had some boudoir photos taken w/2 friends and getting a hug at dinner afterwards from Marc, on Day 68 which until recently was THE BEST HUG EVER. I will never forget on Day 90 getting off the plane in Faro, Portugal and getting to hug my friend Maureen, who I had known for 2 years but hadn't met until that moment. I will remember every second of Day 100 when WendyLou and I were wandering the streets of Sevilla, Spain looking for the Flamenco Museum where we had tickets to a show, and I got my Day 100 hug from Joaquin who wouldn't let go. I know that on Day 150, I did a hug-athon on one of my favorite radio station and hugged a gal in the drive thru window at McDonald's along with 40 others; I can tell you that on Day 168 I was on the news and had an opportunity to hug a fellow named Brendan who is not a hugger. He doesn't like it and he has issues with it..and after he was done filming the news piece, he asked me if he could hug me. It was one of those moments that held a lot of wonder for me. And I like to think, for him as well. I remember on Day 174, I hugged a few people at the wedding of my HSLP to her American man-friend on the beach, and had a news crew follow me there. I remember on my birthday, aka Day 268, that I went down to the Occupy Victoria site and hugged some people down there because that's how I wanted to celebrate my birthday.

So you see, I could go on and on with all of these amazing and unforgettable memories I have of my year so far...I know that my year was made that much more special because I was present in each and every single day.

That is one hell of a way to live my life.

As for 2012 and what it will bring? I think if I'd thought of it, the word I would've used would be "Badassery" but my friend Stereo used it as hers and it doesn't feel right stealing it from her. So instead I'll say that my word for 2012 will be:

...Courage.

I don't mean the ordinary kind of courage that it takes to step outside of my comfort zone to do something. I'm talking about the kind of courage that it takes to step outside of my comfort zone to BE someone I've never been. I’ll just go ahead and say it. I want to get married in 2012. THAT is definitely going to take something. I’m talking about THAT kind of courage.

What I Loved (Nov. 30)

2011-11-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

I always get so excited for a "what I loved" post. It's mind blowing to me how there can be so many things in this world to love...but every time, my mind is blown, because there really and truly are so many things!!

This list I have compiled will be the last one for 2011.

Wait. Before you flip out, let me tell you why.

Because starting tomorrow, December 1st, #reverb11 prompts start up again. Which actually brings me to the first thing I want to tell you about that I LOVED with all my heart.

1. I particpated in #reverb10 last year and loved it! It was by far one of my most rewarding months of writing ever. It was all about reflecting and manifesting, which isn't something that is common to do nearing the end of a year. I have been looking forward to it all year, knowing it was starting up again this week. And then yesterday afternoon all 6000 members received an email from the host letting us know she was no longer going to be doing them. WHAT?! Shock. Horror. For about 30 seconds. Then I jumped onto Twitter and just put it out there "Who wants to start our own?" And within 3 hours, along with BrandeeWineB, GeekinHard and Radio_Nowhere, we were ready to go!! There have since been others who have jumped on board to help out with prompts, and the temporary site design etc. and what i loved most about the whole experience? It was a 140 character tweet that I sent out into the cyberverse and it produced a miracle. So tomorrow, for anyone who hasn't already signed up, the reverb prompts start up. There is still time to sign up. A great way to build community. reverb10 is how I came to know the 3 awesome folks I mentioned above. Who knows what other awesome people I'll get to come into contact with this time around.

2. Kind over Matter never fails to warm my heart. This post from early November touched and moved me. I hope it will you as well. "Lust for Life".

3. This video, made my day the other day. Kindness Boomerang

4. While I was telling myself I wasn't waiting for the boy to call me, I read this and although it didn't necessarily help, it gave me something to read so I didn't feel alone.

5. I often find myself reading things at The Good Men Project...and occasionally, they take my breath away. Much like Jackie Summers did here w/The Deep End of the Pool.

6. For the first time ever, I received 2 post cards from fellow bloggers! So awesome! One is from everyone's favorite Australian Mynx over at Dribble and the other from Chris at Tilting at Windmills. Amazing to get home at the end of a long, rainy, dark day and find a happy postcard in the mail! So awesome. I am stumped as to what to do next, but I think I'm still reveling in the happiness those 2 postcards brought. A giant thanks to JDay at Ramblings at Charlie Brown for getting that started!

7. I just got back about an hour ago from my very first speaking engagement about The Year of Hugging Fearlessly. Wow. What an amazing experience. It went really well, I got about a dozen hugs which just fuels me to get through the rest of my day, and nothing makes me happier than to connect with others and having an opportunity to talk about the project that means the world to me.

8. Okay, this might very well be the best thing you'll ever read! Men AND women! I'm not kidding. Kim over at Bodacious Life Coaching rocks my world more often than not. And this post was no exception. Just the title makes me giddy! "Ditch the moustache and find your g-spot instead guys!"

I'll leave you alone to read it now.

Love
xoxo

Being "Fine" Is No Way to LIVE

2011-11-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

I totally left you thinking I might still be sad. Lying in a bathtub, naked, about to slit my wrists or something. Naw..you'd never think that. I'd never do that. I have wayyyy too much I want to do in my life to slit my wrists over some guy not calling me. I'm pretty sure you know that about me.

Okay, so I let myself be sad and disappointed for the weekend. And whoa baby...was I ever. I had it all set up. A weekend of doing nothing, watching movies, leaving the house to get a hug, rented some movies, bought myself my favorite treat (which I really only buy when I really really need one), the silk chocolate truffle brownie from The Market, and having asked my temporary roomie to not be there, I was all set.

Until I was crying on the phone with my friend Bill. She said "I would like to make one request. Don't spend your weekend alone. If people knew what you were dealing with, there would be like 1000 people who would want to spend the weekend w/you." I cried and cried. Trying to stare up at the flourescent lights in the hallway to stop the tears. It wasn't working. Dammit! I pinched my nose. Nope. Nothing. My eyes just kept leaking. Shit.

"Okay." I promised her.

Friday night I did go and rent some movies, "Bad Teacher" and "The Change Up". I don't recommend either. Blech. A friend called and left me the sweetest message, so tender and sweet, I cried while listening to it. I called her back and we talked for quite a long time and I cried and cried. Saturday, I met my friend WendyLou for, what turned into a 3 hour coffee date which was awesome. Always love my WL time. Then I went to the spa for a couple of hours. Hugged the woman who did my pedicure on my way out. Housework, another movie, my roomie wandering around slamming doors and giving me the silent treatment. Ugh.

Sunday, I was starting to feel myself coming out of it. I started to see that I spend so much of my life being "fine". People say to me all the time, "Boy Rita, you sure do have your shit together." It never dawned on me before now what that meant. Or why they'd think that. Because the Rita that I know does NOT have her shit together. And then I realized...it's because I am fine. I'm always fine. Shit happens, I'm dealing with something, I go and hide out in private, deal with the stuff and then ta-da come back out into the world like everything is peachy. Yep. This is me living my awesome life.

What people don't see is that every now and again, I cry myself to sleep at night. Or that I wake up totally sad or that sometimes, I could be at home all day and my phone doesn't ring even once. They don't get to see the lack of confidence, or the lack of fulfillment, or that sometimes I sit on the couch and just stare out the window watching the world go by. (and not in a good way).

Don't get me wrong. I AM awesome. My life is awesome. There's no doubt about that.

And it chips away at my soul, every day that I'm not sharing my awesome life with someone equally awesome.

I don't let people know that it bothers me, or that it matters to me so much sometimes, I lie awake until the wee hours thinking about it . I don't let people know that I hide behind my awesome life sometimes, so you won't see that I'm maybe my heart isn't as full as it could be. Or that I'm just sad. No one knows that for every wedding I go to, I cry sometimes, afterwards, because that's one more wedding I went to alone.

This is not me feeling sorry for myself. This is just me, sharing my human-beingness.

Something I don't do very often.

If ever.

I love everything about my life.

And sometimes, I get sad.

And I've just realized that it makes a difference to let people see that. Because ultimately, we as human beings want to be able to contribute to others. But if all I do is pretend like I'm fine, there is never an opportunity to do that.

Yep. I'm strong, and independent and able to rely on myself, and can do a lot on my own.

And none of that negates the fact that I have a very tender heart that sometimes, longs for someone to hold it.

Love
xo

PS. I did finally get a hold of the guy yesterday. He answered the phone. He was really sweet, and then he just got a little weird. I realized that because I live my life like I can't have what I want, I just lay down and die when something like this happens. Because I just have come to expect things to go this way. Guys disappear on me. Or they change their minds about me. Or whatever other cockamamey story I tell myself to convince myself that I can't have what I want.

Anyway, I decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns yesterday and just call him. And ask him what happened. I honestly didn't even know if he'd answer the phone. He did. I told him I was concerned and wanted to make sure he was okay. Seems he's got some personal stuff going on in his life that he needs to deal with. He was away last week and was dealing with it. He did apologize and asked if he could contact me down the road sometime. I told him it was fine and to take care.

The End.

I'm Sad

2011-11-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

*WARNING - I might very well cry as I write this, which in turn could very well make you cry, or you might get irritated or something like that...but I'm going to write it anyway. If you find yourself getting irritated, please remember, I'm a hugger. I'll respond better to hugging than I will to anything else at the moment.

I could easily cry at the drop of a hat right now. And I probably will once I get home. It is a super windy day here, and it's dark and somewhat dreary and when I say it's windy, I mean it's 100km/hr windy. Like WINDY! Like waves crashing over onto the sidewalks and streets kind of windy. Not to mention all the rain. So a perfect day to go home and crawl into bed and cry. Or at the very least, get some firewood, put on my pajamas, and light a fire while catching up on all the Survivor and Hawaii Five-O spisodes I've missed. Either way, I can't wait.

Last night, my sister was in town so I picked up some dinner for us and took it to her hotel where we lounged and had a visit and we ate our yummy food. I had a gift certificate for $20 so I saved $20 on the total for dinner which is always a treat, and by the time I got out to my car, I had a $20 ticket on my windshield. I was irritated. Traffic enforement, ends at 6pm. Or at least that's what they tell people. I don't often get parking tickets and I'm fine with paying them, but you know what? I'm fighting this one. No where on there does it even say exactly what I did. The words "Stop in a place in contravention of a traffic control device" mean nothing to me. But that's what it says.

Then after dinner and visit, I was leaving the hotel, which is in a really lovely neighbourhood, quiet, nice, parked right outside the hotel, on the street, someone had egg'd my car. The drivers side door. Who does that? Sheesh! So then I had to drive around to find a car wash that was still open and all I could find was a touchless one which cost me $12 for 3 minutes. !!! Didn't do much good. So I have to go to another one today to wash it all off, which is going to cost me another $12. So the $20 I saved at dinner didn't really do me much good. But by the time I got home, I was fuming. I was FUMING mad. I couldn't quite figure out why. I mean I'm not one to really get pissed off about that kind of stuff.

Once I crawled into bed and was responding to an email via BB, as I was sharing with her what had happened and how mad I was, I started typing some other stuff. I quickly realized I'm not pissed off about the ticket or the eggs. Yes, it's inconvenient and dumb, but really, that's not what I'm pissed off about.

What I'm pissed off about is why the dude never called me back. I haven't heard from him since Sunday. I know you guys sent mojo. You'd think that would be enough right? Given how awesome you are! Sheesh. But I haven't heard anything from in 4 days. I know I have no idea what's going on over there in his world. But that's not the point. How do you go from calling someone 3x a day, and talking for long period and have so much fun together, only to stop calling. I don't get it. I'm sure I never will, but I don't get it. I was so mad about it. THIS is why I don't date. THIS is why I won't put myself out there. It's like telling myself "I told you so". Ugh. You think it's bad when someone else says it to you? No. It's actually really awful when you have to say it to yourself.

And then today at lunch with a friend, I realized that I'm not actually pissed off. I'm really really really sad about it. I don't understand it and I probably never will, and I may never know why, but I'm sad. I don't like to admit I'm sad, because it's dumb. I had only known him for 4 days, there's no reason for me to be sad. I don't get to be disappointed. That's dumb too. It's no big deal. He's just some random guy. There will be more random guys. These are all the thoughts going through my head. Oh and let's not forget, "I never should've told anyone. I'm so dumb." All of this, this is exactly why I shouldn't have said anything. Why it's better for me to just keep my mouth shut. So I don't have to suck it up and tell people what happened when they ask. And then shake my head and pretend like I'm fine.

Do you know how often I pretend I'm fine? Do you know how much time I spend on pretending I'm fine so I can look good. Like I'm stoic and strong and well, quite frankly, I don't need you. When all the while, on the inside, I'm dying a little bit everyday by denying myself that. Yah. pretending sure is great fun. *sarcasm*

I'm sad. I want to cry, but can't yet, because I am sitting at my desk and it's only 4pm.

I'm sad because I don't understand it.

I'm sad because it's dumb, I'm dumb...no. he's dumb.

I'm sad because ultimately, none of that stuff is true.

I'm just sad.

But to tell people that, feels like the ultimate in...something. Failure maybe. Or something else. But no matter how you slice it, it doesn't feel good.

So...I had to come and let it all hang out here...since I still have a half hour before I can go home and cry it out.

Thanks for letting me do that.
Love
xo

Making A Request for Mojo

2011-11-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like screaming from a rooftop the thing you want most in the world? So that everyone knows and everyone can say a little prayer for you when they go to bed at night or upon waking? Have you ever done that? Sent out a mass email or text message so that people could send good mojo your way?

Yah. Me either.

Until today that is.

I sent out a mini-mass text message to some FABs (F(%#king Awesome Broads) that I know to say a little prayer to the Universe for me.

And now I'm asking the same of you. Why? Well because I've never done it before. And you know what? The way I have been doing it, hasn't been working. So it dawned on me that perhaps I could do something different and I might get different results. Or not. But it's worth a shot.

See. I have met this guy. Sort of. We met on Thursday and he's been super duper sick ever since. No. He didn't catch anything from me. :) He's got a very nasty bug that's going around. And he keeps telling me that he never gets sick. That he NEVER gets sick. But apparently that's not true now is it? Not that I'm mocking. I just think it's funny that he keeps saying it. And the reality is it's good for our bodies to get sick every now and again.

We were supposed to have a date on Saturday evening that we were both super duper looking forward to, and then sometime late afternoon he called to say he had a fever and wasn't feeling well. Well I wouldn't want to go out with him on our first official awesome date if he's all sick and kinda clammy, so it was totally okay with me to reschedule. We spoke on Sunday (twice) and he was still not well. Poor fella.

Anyway, I've not heard from him since Sunday night. And I really want him to call me. I'd love to go out with him this weekend. Like..A LOT.

So, I'm asking you, to close your eyes, tilt your head towards the powers that be and just put the mojo out there that he calls me. Please.

Now THAT would be super duper awesome.

And I thank you in advance for you sharing your mojo.

PS..doing something we've never done before, or differently than we've always done something, means being willing to be vulnerable, to put ourselves out there, to risk looking really really bad, and to risk failure. But, I'm going to stick to my original request and ask anyway.

Love
xo

PPS...there's a really good chance this might be my "fluffy pancake" guy...so all the more reason to send the mojo out into the Universe.

Going Where the Love Is...

2011-11-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

Thank you. Thank you for your comments and emails and phone calls and text messages and FB posts to check in and see how I'm doing. Thank you for your comments on the last post, and just for checking in. It really means a lot to me. I always appreciate when someone notices something is going on, and I'm not always sure how to communicate it, so sometimes it comes out vague and weird and all victimy and other times I simply don't say anything at all.

This past week has been a good one for me in that it's forced me to stretch myself beyond what I know to do. Let people know that I've been hurt...that's not an easy one. I like to keep the "everything is fine" front, because the alternative could get messy. I'm not often one to cry the ugly cry in front of others. But sometimes, it's the best thing to do, for me and for the person who gets to see me cry ugly.

I am in a really good place. I'm always grateful to be able to share whatever is going on, without any expectation. I suppose blogging is like a live journal. I write and sometimes people read what I write and sometimes people comment. I love the comments because they are always thoughtful and heartfelt, even if you don't agree with me, you still leave thoughtful comments. I appreciate that. I know it can get a big weird if someone leaves an anonymous comment and it's really clear that I know them, but you know, along with not taking anymore shit from anyone, that includes comments.

I guess you could say I have found my centre.

Yes it's going to take practice in not taking shit from people. I might not notice it right away, but now that I know I've been doing that, I can bet you that I'll be doing it a lot less. And what I love, is that the more I'm aware of it, the less it will happen around me. I like that.

I'm feeling very peaceful today. My heart is full. I am very tired. I think the Vegas induced exhaustion has finally caught up with me, and I'm very much looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday. Tomorrow I'm at the TEDxVictoria Conference all day which I am so excited about. I'm a big TED fan, so when I heard it was happening, I was excited...and then when I heard one of my friends was speaking, I was sold! I bought my ticket on the same day! So I'll be there all day, which means I'll have lots of great stuff to share with you.

My dear friend Amber just called me. Her beautiful daughter J (who I happen to be madly in love with) gave her 10 minutes to call and talk to me, so Amber took the first few moments to just spew everything she needed to say about the last post and everything that she knows has been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks. She made me laugh, which is always appreciated, she said that she wanted to make up for all the nastiness of late, by filling the holes up with a million "I Love You's" which is quite possibly one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me; and then she told me that she had a dream I met my someone. There was a sandbox involved, and some other stuff. (You know what it's like when you have a dream and then you tell someone about it? It never really makes sense...) But I love that she had a dream about it. And that there was a sandbox.

See. It's no wonder I'm doing so great despite all that's been happening. Because with Amber..that's where the love is. With all the awesome people in my life. THAT is where the love is. And I'll just keep going there.

And it's quite possible that I have met my someone...

I'm pretty sure I have. And it's really weird how it happened, and really unexpected too.

But I'll be able to say more about that after the weekend.

Hey and I could really use your creative help with something. I have 74 days left of my hugging project. It is amazing to know that in 74 days it'll all be over. I would like to do something next year, something equally as awesome that means connecting with people. I just don't know what. And I would also like to do something special on Day 365. I am thinking of asking everyone that I"ve hugged (if possible) to change their profile photos on FB to the hug photos. I think that would be so cool. And I'd also like to invite everyone I've hugged (that can make it) to some special event that evening, and to bring along anyone who wants to get their hug in on the last day. But I'm not sure exactly what. So, if you have any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, for any of the above, please share here and let's see what we can come up with.

Thank you in advance!

Love
xo

Sticks and Stones

2011-11-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

Life is filled with lessons that we learn every day.

Look both ways before you cross the street.

If you risk it and go through a yellow light, you could get a ticket.

Watch your head.

Don’t leave your bags unattended.

Be sure to have an ear piece in because it’s illegal to drive w/our cell phones in our hands.

If you text and drive, you might hit something.

Always be sure to have batteries in your smoke alarm.

Wait an hour after eating before swimming in case you get a cramp.

What about the other lessons?

The one’s we don’t actually remember are lessons until we’ve ended a friendship, relationship or someone said something that seemingly broke our heart. You know that saying “Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a life time”? Well, there’s a reason. There’s always a reason right? It’s not some random happening that you meet someone who blows your hair back and then doesn’t. It’s no secret when you discover you have been dating the same guy for years, different people, but the same qualities. Generally it’s because there’s a lesson for you to learn that you haven’t learned yet. That’s been my experience. Once you get the lesson, you are likely never to repeat it.

Sometimes getting that lesson can be the hardest part.

I have learned a number of lessons of late.

In many of those experiences I have listened to more than I needed to. I believe in giving people space to say what they need to say. Often times, it has been very nasty things spewed at me that I listen to. I keep opening up my heart and my arms to listen and listen and just keep listening until they’ve said everything they need to say. Which works so well when both parties are willing to be responsible for what they are saying, how they are saying it and what they are wanting to communicate. What doesn’t work is when it’s anger directed, or misdirected as the case may be, at me and I just keep listening. I have realized over the past several weeks that I take a lot of sh*t from people. I won’t say anything in the moment, but it usually comes to me later that I realize my feelings have been hurt.

I generally live my life like an open book which can work in my favour, or not. I share pretty much everything. I have had friends who have told me that I share too much. Whatever that means to them. I believe in living my life out loud. I believe there is much to be learned and much to be discovered in sharing with others. I share what matters to me. I share who I am. Who I want to be. I will share what my dreams are, but not always. Because there are people who will want to crush them. So I don’t always share those. I especially love when couples are willing to live their relationships out loud. There is so much to be learned from watching others go through all of the ups and downs of being in a relationship. There is so much inspiration in knowing that people struggle. That they struggle and are challenged but are committed to having things work.

Recently I had someone say to me that they think I pretend to be someone I am not. That I'm "trying" too hard. That because I am not loving and generous with her the way she thinks I should be, that I must be a phony. At first, I took that very personally. “What do you mean you think I’m a phony??! You don’t know me! You have no idea what...”! And then I remembered. What she says has nothing to do with me. It’s just an experience she’s having. Just because she said it, doesn’t mean it’s real. Or true. And it also doesn’t mean that I need to be friends with everyone just because I am committed to living my life being a loving and generous person.

Sometimes, the human being in us wins. Sometimes, the insecurities and the thoughts and the judgments and the assessments we have about other people wins. There actually are a few people in my life in the outer circles that I do not want in my inner circle. That’s my choice. I go where the love is. I will be the first to tell you that I don’t always want to be loving w/everyone that I know. Or sometimes I want to be loving from afar. That’s the beauty of a life filled w/choice. I don’t have to. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it just makes me human.

My feelings can still get hurt. My heart can still be broken. People can say very mean things when they know they can get away with it. And I have been letting people get away with it for so long, I didn’t even realize it wasn’t normal. I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. I thought I was supposed to let people talk shit at me and I’m just supposed to be okay with it. I didn’t know it didn’t have to be that way. And now that I do, I guess changing the rules when people are used to things being a certain way doesn’t always go very well. It can be uncomfortable for everyone. But I can’t do it anymore. Actually, I won’t do it anymore.

I get my own value. I know how much I matter to me. I have learned recently what people really think of me...even if they do cover it up. I have been called a lot of things over the past several weeks. And sometimes it’s tough not to take it personally, but thankfully, I have amazing people in my life to remind me that it’s not true. That they are just a bunch of words, spewed out of some need that has nothing to do with me.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting an extraordinary woman. Someone who is the same age as me, but has accomplished, what to me, seems like so much already. She is an extremely powerful and gentle woman who I feel as though I have known for several lifetimes. I only just met her but I know that every word that comes out of her mouth, is formed to make a difference. And when we spoke yesterday, she suggested that I remind people that we are all human beings. That we all have hearts that can break and feelings that can be hurt. That there is a way for us to talk to eachother that is respectful and still gets the intention across. Sometimes we forget that there is another way. In our own upset it becomes easy to make someone else the target of our upset.

As often as I can, I look at myself first, before I say anything to anyone, and if I can avoid it, it’s never in the form of lashing out at someone. I know it sounds simple, yet I’m aware that in the midst of the upset, it’s not.

Understanding that not everyone lives their lives like that...is probably one of the toughest parts. Not everyone is willing, or wants to live that way. And until last night, I didn't understand it. Now, although I may not understand it completely, I've learned to include all of it. The good with the bad.

It's been a tough couple of days with some of this stuff going on, but one of the things that I have been aware of, is as sad as I have been the past 2 days and as challenging as some of this has been, there is a new strength within that wasn't there before, or at least that I was aware of. It seems strange to say, but it makes me smile knowing that there's no going back from here...

Love

What I Loved (Wednesday, November 8th)

2011-11-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

I am heading to Vegas tomorrow afternoon after working for a couple of hours so I wanted to make sure that I posted my loves before that. I know I won't be blogging while I'm in Vegas...no seriously..this isn't one of those types of trips...:)

So let's get started shall we?

It's always tough for me to narrow it down to what I loved and keep the list relatively short...so as not to overwhelm the senses...but I think this one might be perfect!

1. Let's start with the best feel good video that I've seen in awhile. It's guaranteed to make you smile from start to finish. Jamin's Downtown Disney Flashmob. Sooooo lovely!!

2. Thank goodness I stumbled upon Cleavage! Holy moly! I know if you're a guy reading this, probably wishing YOU could stumble upon some Cleavage...but I'm talking about the blog. It's amazing! And it's especially amazing because of this one article I read...The Two Orgasm a Day Diet! Hello!!! 2!! Not just 1, but 2!!! Thanks to Kelly Diels for bringing THAT to my attention!

3. While we're on the subject of diets..or sex, or whatever, here's a personal favorite from Sexual Perfume - Kiss Him, Over and Over and Over Again. Okay! Please sir, may I have some more? smooch smooch smooch. (wait..did I just write that?)

4. I saw this video today and it made me warm from the inside out. I think this should actually be called "The Possibility for Human Being" but for now, we'll just take it at face value. Please take a few moments to watch "The Possibility of Men". It's beautiful.

5. One of my very new favorites who has changed my life is Danielle LaPorte, and she was generous in sharing a post over at Crazy Sexy Life called In Praise of Women: Adoring, Fang-Bearing, Fiery Witnesses and I'd love for you to go and read it! Wow!

6. Imagine picking up a book called "A Year to Live" and then living it like it really was your final year to live. I keep thinking I might need to go and buy the book. I can guarantee you, just thinking about it, I'm freaking out a little bit. But what if you did? I happened upon a lovely blog called Life After Benjamin where she mentions the book. The post is also by the same name and now having read the review on Amazon, I would say I'm not quite ready for a book like that.

7. And finally, this is pretty awesome! I happened upon a blog called My Life Scoop where Tim Jacobson wrote about the 6 Must Read Inspirational Blogs! As soon as I saw it I knew I had to include it!

That's it for this week. I hope you loved the list like I loved the list, or at least loved some of the list...

I am off to Vegas tomorrow! My dear friends are getting married and I am so excited! There are a whole lot of us going, and I already know it's going to be fun. Thursday I am going to the Grand Canyon for the first time EVER. It's #66 on my list and I am excited to cross it off. I also got 2 tickets for Love, the Cirque show for my birthday and am taking my friend "Bill" who is super stoked to be my date. She really wanted to see it too. And we're going to be shooting some guns at target practice one afternoon, not to mention all the shopping!

I plan on having one of those "whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" kind of trips.

wish me luck.

Love

What if...?

2011-11-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

I have a question.

“What the f*(k is wrong with people?”

That’s my question.

But don’t worry, I won’t leave you to answer it. I guess I’m feeling kind of angry about this very question today. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to just go on a little bit of a rant for a few minutes. Well, I guess it’s not even really a rant. I am just really frustrated in the moment, so it might sound like a rant.

I was just talking to a friend, and she was telling me about some stuff she’s been struggling with the last while, because of something that’s going on in her life, and mostly it’s about people who she thought were some of her best friends maliciously gossiping about her. She is going through so much right now, and all these people can do is spend their time talking about her and their theories on what is going on. No one has actually called her, they are just gossiping about her.

I spent my lunch hour speaking to someone else who matters to me a lot because he matters very much to someone who matters to me very much (got that?). I was willing to have a conversation with him because I want him to win at what it is that he’s doing. I want THEM to win at what they are taking on. So I’m talking to him, through all of his conversations about how he’s not going to be able to do it, and how he can’t do it and how he doesn’t know how to see past what it is that he thinks he can’t do. Ultimately, I think it ended up being a great conversation. But it sure took some doing.

Earlier today I had sent an email to a couple of friends. The email is one that i wrote back in 2008 relaying an experience I had in a course I had done the weekend before. The person leading the course spent much of the weekend talking about relationships. All kinds of relationships. All of them. Lots of focus on the romantic kind simply because there were a lot of people asking those types of questions, but what he said stayed with me. And now, when I can, I share that email with as many people as I can. It not only stayed with me, but it resonated with me, to my very soul, and I have never forgotten it.

He got really angry at one point because someone asked a question about what she should do about the current relationship she was in. She basically said that she isn’t sure if this is the guy, and she’s waiting to see if anyone better comes along. I’m sure one or two of you just gasped out loud. But I’m not kidding. That’s the question she asked. It had come up often during the course of the weekend already, people asking similar questions. Not just about their partners, but about their friends and their family too. I found myself a bit irritated when she asked the question, but in the moment, I wasn’t sure why. So I sat still and I listened to his response.

Here’s what he said: 'You guys have forgotten the whole point of relationships! You go into a relationship wondering if that person is going to give you everything you want. THAT'S NOT THE POINT!' He went on to say, 'The whole point of relationships is that YOU get to be someone that takes another human being’s life in your hands and has them win.' (it brings tears to my eyes just typing that). 'You get to be somebody who stands for another person. You get to be somebody who has another person thrive and grow. And you get to be somebody who loves someone because you say so.'

He said, 'We spend so much of our lives asking ourselves questions like is this person the right person for me, is this relationship good for me...when the question we should really be asking ourselves is “is it good for this relationship and this person for them to be with me?'

So often we find ourselves in relationships with partners, or friends, that aren’t fulfilling. I have had many experiences with one sided relationships, where I am the champion and find out only later that it wasn’t mutual or equal. I have had so many experiences like that. And I can see them now. I never could have before. Recently, I have come to realize just how many of my relationships in the past (especially the romantic variety) were one sided. They may not have started out that way, but that’s how they went. Over and over and over again. I could never figure out why they seemed so interested at first, and then they just didn’t. I didn’t get that. And then I would work all that much harder to make it work, and try and struggle and fight and resist and get frustrated and cry and fight and yell and scream and not sleep and work even harder to make it work.

It never once occurred to me that i was the one who was perpetuating the behaviour. That perhaps if I just were to notice that it was one sided, I would just simply stop doing it. Right. Easier said than done. We don’t see our patterns until we are ready to see them and only then can we recognize they are patterns.

What I don’t get is why wouldn’t they all be equal? Why wouldn’t all relationships be equal, and amazing, where both people get to champion the other? Why aren’t we all asking ourselves the question “Am I good for this relationship?”

Why aren’t we? Well, it’s because no one wants to be that responsible. No one wants to take ownership of their roles in their relationship and be responsible for how it goes. Why would we? Isn’t it so much easier to blame the other person? Isn’t it easier to think someone selfish because they aren’t willing to listen to our bullshit anymore? Isn’t it just easier to point the finger and tell someone we don’t trust them because we don’t want to have to look inside to realize that we are the common denominator and our relationships don’t seem to work out? Isn’t it just easier to not have to be responsible?

Yes. It is easier. It is easier to pretend like the blame is all out there. That’s such an ordinary conversation for the world. Pointing the finger. It’s so “normal” to do that. Do you know what’s not ordinary? Being willing to see where you could apologize, or maybe where you missed something, or perhaps where someone said something a long time ago and you made something up about that person. Or realizing that you have never really given a shit about the person who you called your friend. That they were a convenience. That maybe you needed someone to need you, so that’s why you stayed friends for so long. (This all applies to all levels of relationship).

What would it be like if jealousy, or anger, blame or fault, or lack of responsibility, or indifference, or rage weren’t a factor?

I guess the question I am really wanting to ask is: “What if we were actually put on this earth to champion eachother?”

What then would become possible?

On The Road To Awesome

2011-11-02T15:58:00.001-07:00

I could totally start this post out by apologizing for not posting anything for over a week. I'm surprised my dear friend Mama Turek hasn't showed up at my door to club me over the head. Or at the very least, to call me and ask why I haven't posted anything. And I was just on the phone w/my friend "Bill" and she also said "get on it..." when I mentioned I hadn't posted for awhile.

You know how sometimes there is so much to say but you don't know how to say it? It's been kind of like that. I've had so much to say...so much goodness to share, and I just haven't been able to put my thoughts down. I have been doing a lot of reading. Please know, I haven't been commenting as much because the comments section of Blogger doesn't always work for me no matter what platform I'm using, but I do read. I've recently been given 2 awards which I will properly be thankful for this weekend when I write a post about them both and share them and award them to others.

My birthday, which was the last time I posted, last Wednesday was amazing. I had such a beautiful day. I think my birthday was the day my road to awesome kind of started. You know how when you're driving down a long stretch of highway and all of a sudden you hit Federal land and there are fir trees for miles? Kind of like that. I feel like my road to awesome has had many potholes this year. Lots of things to navigate through. I've even had to use my GPS a few times. The more miles I put on the car, the more awesome I get to be. The more people I run into at the various stops along the way, pulls more and more awesome out of me. I get to be great with people and I get to be awesome in life.

And then sometimes, you run out of gas on the road to awesome and things start to happen that sometimes aren't what you were expecting. Someone slashes your tire, or you get a rock in the windshield or your radiator blows up as you're in the middle of no where. So what do you do? You've only got one bar on your cell phone and you can't remember the number of the nearest service station. You need to get a tow truck and you're not sure how you're going to do that. Well...you just keep going. You do what needs to be done. I don't mean like ploughing through life and not being present. I mean, like...you keep going. Not like anything is wrong. Just that something happened and you get to now see who you are going to be in the face of what happened.

That's what it's been like lately. I've never been more peaceful in my life. And truthfully, I've never been happier. Ever. I hugged some people on my birthday. I went to the Occupy Victoria site and hugged some folks down there. That was exactly what I wanted. I went to jazzercise that night with friends for the first time in 4 weeks. I have missed it. But I thought I had hurt my knee and I was in quite a bit of pain and kept hoping it would just go away. But instead it didn't. It just kind of didn't get any better. I was really worried that I might have messed up my knee. I finally went to physio yesterday and it turns out it's not my knee! HOORAY!! It's not my knee. What I actually did is pull both lower quads above the knee. Ouch! So yes, although that sounds painful, and I suppose it IS painful, it's not as bad as doing damage to my knee. So maybe 2 more weeks and I can go back to jazzercise. Yay! I go back to see her on Saturday and then we'll have a good sense of what I need to do.

And again...not like there's anything wrong. So often, I go to that place of "oh my gosh, there's something wrong, what am I going to do?" And then there's drama and tears and a whole lot of hoopla. Well, there's just something for me to manage. I need to make sure I heal the pulled muscles just like I did my pulled muscle in my neck and that's all. I could've gone into the physio sooner, and I just kept hoping it would get better. And it didn't. I suppose I also didn't want her to tell me that it WAS in fact, my knee. So, not going made more sense. I don't know if you can see this in what I'm saying, but it all comes down to being responsible. Right? So if I had been responsible for my injury I would have gone to see the physiotherapist when it happened. Instead I waited 4 weeks, and then went to jazzercise on my birthday even though I was still hurting. That is not a responsible thing to do. And now, I've been. And I'm going to do whatever I need to do to make sure it heals. That's all.

Along the way, on my journey on the road to awesome, things happen. Things I don't necessarily want to be responsible for. Things like keeping my head in the sand about relationships that didn't work for much longer than I needed to. Perhaps because I could make it better. Maybe because I felt like I could make the difference. Or maybe because I was hoping things would change. Let's face it, we all know that hope isn't an action word. It's a passive agressive way of not being responsible for having the things we want in life. For having the relatonships we want. For buying the cars we want. For buying or selling our homes. Things we don't think we deserve. Or for that matter, simply just being awesome.

There's a certain responsibility that comes with being awesome. There are signs all the way along the road to awesome, we just have to watch for them. The signs are always there. We just have to be responsible for noticing them and then taking the proper action. I have lived my whole life believing that "I can't have what I want". Don't ask me why because I couldn't tell you. I don't actually know. I actually just made it up, and then lived my life like it was true. Why do you suppose I did that?

Because I wasn't willing to be responsible for the things that I had done up to that point. The impact I was having on the lives of others. Not like it's a bad thing. On my birthday, I really got, like in my heart, how awesome I am. Not because someone told me I am. But because I KNOW I AM. Proud of who I am. On the morning of my birthday, I left my house proud of myself and who I have created myself to be.

Do you have any idea what it's like to live your life being proud of who you are? Yah. Neither did I. Not until the day of my 42nd birthday did I have that experience. (that was just last Wed by the way).

I wish I could play you a song, or give you a pill that would make you and every other person in the world get how awesome they are and then to stand tall and be proud of that person.

Do you live your life like you're proud of who you are? Or do you apologize and edit who you really are so that others are more comfortable? Or so that others don't have any reason to make you wrong for how awesome you are?

One thing I have discovered over the past 24 hours, is there are always going to be potholes in the road to awesome. The trick is, to actually navigate around them, because they do serve a purpose, just like everything else in the world, and it might simply be that once you've gone through a pothole on a highway going 80 miles an hour, you won't ever be inclined to do it again because it shook you up. Well, I like to think that the poholes on the road to awesome are there to keep me present to my own awesomeness and to serve as a reminder to be proud. No matter what.

I know I used a lot of analogies. It just flowed out of my fingers. I hope it all makes sense. I want to make one thing abundantly clear. Being awesome and being proud of being awesome is a very distinct thing from being arrogant. I am not arrogant. I am not humble either (not anymore). You can't be humble and be proud all at once. But you can be awesome w/o being arrogant.

Being awesome just means that every day that you leave your house, you positively impacted someone else.

That's it.

I'm willing to bet that you did that today.

How's your journey on the road to awesome going?

Love
xo

PS I have added one item to my Life List just before I wrote this. #? - To do a Ted Talk for ted.com called "On The Road to Awesome". :)

Birthday Messages & What I Loved

2011-10-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

It just so happens that today is Wednesday, and it's also my birthday. So I get to share with you my birthday message from the Universe and all the things I fell in love with over the past week or so.

First, my birthday message from The Universe (which I look forward to every year):

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,

Happy Birrrrthday Dear Rita,

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!

A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of

your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Rita Chand doesn't come

along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility

that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see,

whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated.

Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.

Quite simply:

You're the kind of person, Rita,

Who's hard to forget,

A one-in-a-million

To the people you've met.

Your friends are as varied

As the places you go,

And they all want to tell you

In case you don't know:

That you make a big difference

In the lives that you touch,

By taking so little

And giving so much!

Rita, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe,

including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an

exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Rita!

Mike Dooley

Orlando, Florida, USA

And now onto the things I loved:

1. I fell in love with this quote, over and over and over again; "There is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline. No matter how many times it’s sent away."

2. Oh my God. THIS is the most amazing thing I think I've ever seen. I won't even say anything else. Just go look. You will fall in love with Love Begins Here.

3. I was surfing around Danielle LaPorte's White Hot Truth and stumbled across The Manifesto of Encouragement. And all I can say, is "Wow."

4. One of my favorites on Twitter, UncleTypewriter, posted The Life Master Cleanse and I've already started. I thought you might like to give it a shot too.

5. There's this new blog I stumbled upon called Farewell Stranger and as I've searched through and read some of the posts, I think you might like some of them too. Specifically the one's listed under the "Hello Inspiration" label.

6. And finally, Jill over at In Bed with Married Women blew me out of the water with a post written by an anonymous husband...Seriously...blew me away. I keep reading it...over and over and over again. It's somewhat explicit, but it's so beautiful it kind of makes you forget that it's explicit. It truly is the most beautiful thing ever...It's called "My Wife's Body by an Anonymous Husband." (You might want to print it out as a reference).

It's well after midnight now and it's officially my birthday. So I'm now starting a new cycle around the earth. 2011 has been good to me, and I suspect 2012 will be as well. I swore last year, just as I do every year, that I will not spend another birthday (eve) alone...I found myself a bit sad tonight, just remembering that, and reflecting about the extraordinary year I've had. Everyone should be so blessed.

So on my birthday, I wish for you more love than you can even imagine, a minimum of 4 hugs a day, and all the awesomeness you can even think to wish for.

Love

Dear Judy

2011-10-25T14:27:00.001-07:00

Dear Judy,

You amazing, beautiful, generous, awesome example of a human being you.

I sit down with pen in hand to write you something on paper and I keep coming back to a blog post. This is how we met, you and I. This is how we connected. This is where I first fell in love with The Love Project, and you as a human being.

You can't even know how you have completely changed my life.

Thanks to my friend Kat, I was introduced to your blog, Zebra Sounds. She thought we'd "hit it off". Like my friend Sandi likes to say...we collided. I don't know about you, but my life will never been the same.

Because of you, I stretched myself beyond my own comfort zone and came up with The Year of Hugging Fearlessly and now everyday I get to stretch myself beyond my new comfort zone and connect with someone each and every day for 365 days. Because of you, I have met some of the most amazing new people. I have connected with people across the country and around the world, that wouldn't have happened if not for the love that is you.

Because of you, I found my purpose. Looking outside of myself for the "thing" that I thought would make me whole, that would have me show up in the world as the person I am meant to be...all the while, not realizing it was inside of me all along. I just needed someone to open that door. Judy. You opened that door. It was like by creating your manifesto and your intention, you brought me to life...(on a whole new level),

My life has always been bright and shiny...only now, it's enriched beyond anything I could ever have imagined. My life, has become about others. My life has expanded beyond anything that I ever could have predicted. My social circle too has grown vastly and I have YOU to thank for that.

I imagine, in this Year of Loving Fearlessly, you have touched thousands...I'm willing to bet, even more than that, but Judy, I wanted it to be right here, in writing, for you to come back to anytime you may question what the heck your life is fore. This. Right here. Judy. THIS is what your life is for.

What you provide for people without even knowing you do it. There you are, just living your life as you do, and the trail of inspiration you leave behind...kind of like the Pied Piper only with so much more love...

I didn't know just how much love I had inside of me, until I started reading your words, started following your blog, until I became a Love Warrior. I had no idea that I was capable of living THIS life...so filled with Love. Judy. You did that. Well...I did that, but YOU did that.

I can just keep saying the same thing over and over and over again. I feel like a bit of a bumbling idiot because I can't come up with the right words to express to you how much you mean to me and what you've brought me and the people in my life by extension.

Thank you for your "battle cry" of love. Thank you for creating your Love Project and for coming up with 12 ways to express it in the world. Thank you for always sharing no matter what. Thank you for living a life so filled with love so that I may experience some of it too. Thank you for the inspiration every day. Thank you for giving me access to a purpose I might not have realized otherwise. Thank you for loving fearlessly, even when you might not want to. Thank you for being my friend, even though we've not met. Thank you for the gift of you.

Judy, tomorrow is my birthday and how I am celebrating it is by making a sign, and heading to OccupyVictoria to hug some of the folks down there. I share this with you not because I expect you'll show up there, but because I want you to know, that without you in this world, I never, in a million years, would have come up with the idea to celebrate my birthday by giving love (in the form of a hug) to others. That is who I am in now...and I am ever so grateful to you for waking up that part of me.

I promise, you'll still get something in the mail from me, but THIS my Judy friend, is my love letter for YOU.

Thank you for putting a spring in my step, for putting a song in my heart and for the smile on my face and even the tears in my eyes. I know that you are likely going to say to me that you didn't do anything...but Judy..you provided me with the access to all of this. And for that..I am always going to be grateful, so just say "you're welcome".

I already know one of the highlights of my year in 2012 will be the day I come over to hug you. :)

Love. Always and forever.
xo

PS I know that any day that I can be moved by my own self, is a good day. It's a good day Judy. Thank you.

Focus On Those Who Appreciate Your Awesomeness

2011-10-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

I woke up yesterday morning and I was having a bit of a difficult time breathing. My chest hurt too. It wasn't like when I was a kid and I would have an asthma attack. It was something else. My breathing was shallow too. Like from my chest rather than from my stomach. I could tell something was going on. I felt fine, so I knew I wasn't getting sick. I also know I am one of those people who physically feels stuff when I have emotional stuff going on. Whatever was going on, was showing up this way.

The post I was going to write today was different from this. I wanted to share with you about my unbelievably fabulous weekend. I wanted to share with you the fun and the awesomeness that was my weekend. I wanted to share with you about the unbelievably awesome bachelorette party that I planned (w/the help of the bride's sister and another friend) for a good friend of mine. But first, I need to share this.

For the past few months, I have noticed I've been having more and more conversations with people about friends who are unsupportive or who have been discouraging etc. I'm also noticing how low my tolerance level is for those types of conversations. That type of behavior. I have real reactions to it. And I've especially noticed it for myself.

So Saturday night, something happened with one of the women who was invited to the party. It was important to the bride to be that this woman be there so it was important to me. I did what I could to ensure that she saw the invite, that she replied on time, that she could participate in the entire evening, etc. And this person just kept taking jabs at me all night. Everytime I turned around she was poking at me about the same thing. And in front of other people. I ignored it for much of the night, and then finally, when she'd said something similar for the 6th time, I told her she was bugging me and that she needed to stop. She did stop. And I forgot about it. The next day I got an email from her thanking me for creating such a fun evening and that it was the most fun that she's ever had, etc. It wasn't until I got her email that I realized that I was still incomplete about what had happened.

So I emailed her back. Thanked her for the acknowledgement and then asked her what the heck was up with her taking the jabs at me for the evening? I shared with her that I don't know her and that this was our first social outing and that I was left feeling as though I didn't really want to spend any more time with her. I suggested that the next time she have something up with me, that she take it up in private rather than being passive-aggressive about whatever it might have been. And then suggested that we have a conversation about it.

I was proud of myself for having said something. I could easily have left it alone. I don't need to hang out with her. I don't need to spend any more time with her now that the party is over. I don't even really need to communicate with her in anyway. I know it's not normal to have this type of conversation, and you probably know me well enough by now to know I'm not really a big fan of normal.

It wasn't until last night that I was sharing with some friends what had happened and that I had sent the email that I realized how upset I was about it. I could feel my chest start to constrict while I was talking. I wasn't upset because of what she said. I don't care about what people say about me generally, because 9 times out of 10 it doesn't really have anything to do with me. What I was upset about, was that at the time, it seemed like she was trying to do whatever she could to bring me down. Somehow disempower me or she was being unsupportive. That led me to some tears because I realized that what I am really committed to is creating my life to be surrounded by people who are all about empowering their friends and family, and when that's not how someone is, it really bothers me.

I stopped watching Survivor years ago because of how mean people were. I remember reading the book "Blindness" and being so sad to believe that people would resort to treating eachother that way. I recently saw "Contagion" and was just left feeling depressed. Yes, there are many people in the world who believe that it's "the battle of the fittest" and "only the strong survive" but I don't live in that world. Not like I am oblivious to it. Obviously I know it's part of life and I don't really have a lot of control over it.

But what I do have some semblance of control over is who I share my life with. My friends and my family. The people who encourage, support and lift me up in life. The one's who believe in me even when what I consider doing is silly or dumb or impossible. The people who believe in me. The one's who appreciate my awesomeness and I get to do the same for them. This afternoon I read this tweet "Focus on those who appreciate your awesomeness" (Thanks @DyamondPatlyek) because it summed up what I was feeling.

There are all kinds of people in life. In fact, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round. Isn't that what "they" say? Well, I'm inclined to believe it. If not for all those different kinds of people, there wouldn't be anything unique about us. But what I am really clear about is that I want a world where everyone is great with everyone. I think the thing that was upsetting to me about what happened on Saturday is that she had the option of being great with me, and instead she chose another route. (We have since talked and she has apologized and it is totally complete for me and for her). For whatever reason she chose it. She said that perhaps she wanted to fit in so she thought she'd be funny. But when I'm (or anyone) is left feeling like they've been jabbed or poked, it's not funny. It's just not nice.

I am powerfully declaring right here, right now, if I haven't already, that the life and the world I want to see is where people are just great with eachother. I have said this before, that you don't get to be in a relationship and not get to have it be awesome. Well you know, I wasn't just saying that. And I wasn't just talking about romantic relationships either. I mean ALL relationships. Don't you want to have your friends encourage and support and cheer you on? I know I do. That's part of why my love letters matter so much to me. I want those people in my life to know that I appreciate them for who they are for me. And for who I get to be for them.

When people are great with me, or they think I'm awesome, do you know what happens? I get to be great and I get to be awesome.

It's a win/win.

I am sure that I will have more to say about this, and right now, this is all that's there. I just got home from the oral surgeon's as I had to have some minor dental surgery done so I need to close my eyes for a bit, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this so far.

And would invite you to write a guest post on this topic or something related to it if you're so inclined. It's just time that we all started being great...with everyone.

Love

PS after I shared with friends last night about what was bothering me, what I noticed is that my chest hurt less and I could breathe a little easier. And even more so since I had my conversation with the woman from Saturday night. Just so you know.

A Love Letter for Amber

2011-10-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Amber,

I have been thinking about how to put into words what it is I want to say and I'm not sure I have it figured out, but I thought I'd just start writing and see what happened. My thoughts are more expressions or feelings than they are words, so I hope that I can express them to you so that you get them.

Thank you. Amber. Thank you for loving me, and for cheering for me and for being my friend. You can't even know how good it was to spend some time with you on Saturday and to know that no matter what, no matter how much time goes by, and no matter what life circumstances come our (respective) way, I am fairly certain you are one of my biggest fans. Do you have any idea how amazing it is to know that someone as amazing as you has my back?

You don't even know the difference you make in my life, simply by being in it. I am ever so grateful for every conversation you and I have, but mostly, I am grateful for that one conversation we had, with you looking unbelievably radiant in your red dress, at the Christmas Gala when you had decided you were just going to say all those things you were going to say to me.

I love watching you be a mum. I didn't really know you before you were a mum, but watching you be a mum, inspires me. You are so devoted to J that it's hard not to want to follow in your footsteps. I know that you sometimes aren't always as self assured as you perhaps once were or as I know you to be, but I just want you to know, that no matter what you think of yourself at any given moment, I think everything about you is amazing.

Thank you for having so much faith in me, and for wishing for me only great things, and for declaring yourself the person who is going to find me a man. I love that you declare things and then you set about doing them.

Who you are for me Amber is strength, and courage, and love and family and...L.O.V.E.

And I am proud to call you my friend.

For fleeting moments, I wonder sometimes, how did I get so lucky...and then I hear our friend Wendy's words in my head..."because we're magnets...".

Love
xo

What I Loved (Wednesday, October 12)

2011-10-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

I know the day is almost over, but fortunately it's never too late to tell you about the things that I have loved.

First let me just start by telling you that I have added a new page to my blog. It's called "Celebrity Status" although I'm not sure I love the title and so if you have a better option please, tell me. I am open to changing it. My friend Jodi over at DaytoDayWear suggested that I have a page with all the news links, and newspaper articles etc. that have happened because of The Year of Hugging Fearlessly. So that is what I've done. I also thought it would be a great place to compile guest posts that I have done that I am particularly fond of. Do have a look and let me know what you think or feel about it all.

Now then...Let's get started shall we? I don't want you to have to wait any longer:

Here are all the things I've loved of late...

1. A friend of mine sent this link out to some friends. The company is her son's and I think it's like a love letter in a frame. I loved it as soon as I opened it. Words with Meaning. I think I may even splurge on a Christmas gift...

2. This is such a beautiful and powerful TEDxSF video that I had to share it. When you have a few moments, please do watch it.

3. I'm still looking for how I would respond to this question, but I'm curious what you would say if you were asked what the 5 Best Decisions of your life (so far) have been.

4. I don't remember how i stumbled upon this post, but I'm so glad I did. Over at Modern Enlightenment. A post called Faith it Till You Make it...kind of says it all doesn't it?

5. As someone who is an avid traveler and as someone who is very passionate about it, when I saw this post float by on my Twitter feed I immediately had to read it. Not only do I love when I get to add another city or country to my "Where I've Been" app on Facebook, but I love any stories that might possibly inspire me to venture out again. And Traveler Without Observation.. definitely did that.

6. Thanks to my good friend Jewels I discovered a new blog yesterday. ThankQ. I'm usually pretty quick to follow the path that Jewels sends me on but this one, this one was a particular find. Although the post is from September, the topic is so relevant. But what I was particularly drawn to was the discussion. The comments sometimes are better than the post. I find that sometimes when I read a book that I hate, once we've had a discussion at book club, it can turn my perspective around completely. I LOVED this post. This post is double the goodness. GREAT subject matter, AND amazing discussion. I want more discussion! So I'm hoping you'll find it equally as interesting and weigh in on the topic. Freak me Baby! is definitely a topic worth discussing.

7. And honestly, quite possibly the most amazing thing I've ever read (I know I say that alot, but seriously...) is this "pep talk slash kick in the front teeth and the balls at once" post by my hero Danielle LaPorte over at Whitehot Truth; "The Grand Pep Talk: Decide to Rise (Refer to this when in doubt or sick and tired)" This is the post you want to start your day with...EVERYDAY! It's flipping unbelievable. Honestly. Just go read it. I swear. It will blow your hair back.

8. And finally, it's been awhile since I've shared a favorite new (to me) song with you. I was watching the season finale of season 1 of Sons of Anarchy and this song came on. I think hearing it changed me a wee bit. Love.

Love

Busting Open

2011-10-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those experiences where it actually feels like your heart is busting wide open?

I have that feeling today. I don't know why. Nothing special happened. Nobody said anything to trigger the feeling.

Although I do love the idea of my little 6yo nephew receiving his love letter today or tomorrow. :) And the idea of writing another one to someone else in my life...

I don't know what it is. Something is happening. I feel like I'm expanding on some level. Kind of like there is no other way to be but vulnerable. Like I can't remember how it used to be...

Something happened last week and I wasn't sure if I was going to say anything...but since I'm here...So last week, my very carefully selected fwb respectfully withdrew (no pun intended) from our mututally fulfilling arrangement. For a lot of reasons, none of which have anything to do with me, and I get it. Although when he first told me last week, I cried. Not because I am in love with him. I think he's actually genuinely a really good guy. He is adventurous and super fun, and fun to be with, and damn great in areas that really count when you're someone's fwb...and right now he's got some life circumstances that prevent him from being as available as he would like and it was starting to stress him out. And when he reluctantly told me we couldn't get together anymore, I started to cry. I wasn't even surprised that I cried. I do that a lot. I was sad that we wouldn't be spending anymore time together, but mostly, I was moved that he would call me to tell me, and then to share with me all the things going on in his life. He didn't have to do that.

I never made any demands on him. My life is far too busy for me to be making demands on anyone. It worked out well for us, because we could both live our lives, and do our thing and then get together pretty close to the witching hour for several hours and then say our goodbyes until the next time. It was a very well thought out and very well orchestrated adventure for us both.

I had no expectation that it would last forever. It took him 4 months to talk me into it, and once he did, there was no looking back. It was nothing short of a spectacular experience. And I'm grateful for it. And I miss it. As a single woman, chemistry, and physical connection like we have, is hard to come by...and we had it..in spades. I have many of my emotional needs filled by the amazing people in my life. And then he filled in the gaps...and now...there's just a gap.

I don't have any desire to replace him with someone else. I'm really good at detaching from this type of thing, we both knew what it was when we were creating it together. We both knew it would be awesome. I don't think either one of us expected it to be as awesome as it has been, but then again...expect nothing, and the world is filled with surprises.

So I'm sad, I miss him and I guess I'm sad too that perhaps I'll have to be without the physical connection again...and I don't want to be.

This morning, he was on my mind so I emailed him. I just wanted him to know how awesome I think he is. How great the sex was, (I know how much men - especially - like to hear that) and mostly I wanted him to know that whenever he gets stressed out and overwhelmed, all he has to do is read the email to remind him that someone thinks he's pretty awesome.

As I hit send on the email, I welled up in tears. Perhaps because I hoped he was doing well, or maybe because I am just sad and I miss him..or maybe, it's because of how grateful I am to him that he nurtured my inner Lola, and respected her, and gave her the space to really grow. Who I was when we started out talking about this, to who I am now, isn't even remotely the same...and that moved me.

Or perhaps it's a combination of things.

No matter...as I said...I cry a lot these days...

And I think mostly, it's because my heart is busting wide open everyday...and even on the days when I don't want it to, or I resist it...or am really uncomfortable with it...those are the days when I welcome the tears...because I feel like this exterior shell...(because that's all it is) is melting away from me...

And that can only lead to good things...

Love
xo

No Stone Unturned for Love

2011-10-07T09:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday...and if you're Canadian..Happy Thanksgiving long weekend. I hope you have much to be thankful for. I know that I sure do.

I was going to write a post today, but now I realize I don't have to. Sandi did it for me in a way. You have heard me talk about my friend Sandi at DevaCoaching who is a life/business/relationship coach in Vancouver. She and I first connected via Twitter, and then via Facebook, only to come to find out we have a TON of mutual friends, AND we both have a soft spot for our mutual friend Jason. Not to mention, she was my Day 152 hug.

She is also the reason that I found the courage to unleash Lola. :)

About a month, maybe longer, ago, she asked me if I would be in her Friday Spotlight. I didn't know what that meant, but when it comes to Sandi, I wouldn't say no. So I said YES! She sent me a series of questions, asked me to answer them, send her a photo and that was about it. I forgot about it for a couple of weeks and then she emailed to say she was challenged with some back pain and it would run later than planned. Great! Not knowing what it meant, I was okay with it! I was mostly concerned with Sandi's back.

This morning, I learned what it means to be the Friday Spotlight at Deva Coaching...

And thankfully, before I applied my make up this morning, I wept as I read her words, and mine combined.

No Stone Unturned for Love

Love
xo

Love Letter to my Monkey

2011-10-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

My ever favorite Judy over at Zebra Sounds has declared the month of October the month of Love Letters...with a post called p.s. i love you and as soon as I read it...I cried. Of course. I know. You're used to me crying. Seriously, this whole practicing being open and vulnerable..I don't even know how NOT to be moved by every thing anymore. And to be honest...I don't want to go back. I don't need to remember. I love this way of being. I've resisted being vulnerable (in public) my whole life, for whatever reason, who cares what the reason is, and not anymore. Done. Done. And more Done. I am loving this right here...

Crying when I hug someone, or when I see something that moves me...ahh..that's par for the course.

Now I'm going to post my first love letter that I just finished writing. I don't know if you'll be able to read it, if Blogger has stopped being mad at me, and actually able to work, but I'm going to post it anyway and pray that you can read it. (one thing I have noticed depending on what browser you are on, once you are on the page, even if it hasn't loaded properly, you can click on the title of the post on the page, and that should load it.) *fingers crossed*

Dear Monkey,

I haven’t written you a letter since you were 6 months old. I remember that Christmas. You were sooo little and mostly I remember how quiet you were back then. :) And I also remember how happy you made me. S, you are one of the best things to ever happen in my life. No matter what happens, or what you say or what you do, you will always and forever be my Monkey, the light of my life.

My favourite times with you are when I get to hear you laughing. You make me so happy S. Even when it seems like I’m not happy with you, I always...ALWAYS am happy that you were born. Always. Just remember that. Even if you get in trouble, I am happy you are here, in my life.

You don’t even know it, but you have brought me so much joy, and you’re only 6! Imagine how much more joy there is for us to experience together! More visits to Auntie Rita’s place in Victoria, more visits to the park, more movies to watch, more music to dance to, more presents to buy you! I can’t WAIT till you have your own money so you can buy ME presents! Haha!

My favourite moment with you was when you were only 3 or so, and you were sitting on the kitchen floor playing with the fridge magnets on St. George, and I was talking to your mum and dad about school, and they were telling me about your friends, and then I quietly heard you say “Auntie Rita is my best friend.” Oh..it still makes me cry. I was so happy to hear you say that. Thank you. You might not remember, but I always will.

I just wanted you to know S that I love you more than I ever knew possible.

Thank you for teaching me that.

I look forward to so much more joy.

All my love to my Monkey.

Auntie Rita
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ps i love you
xo

Blogger Not Loading

2011-10-02T01:02:00.000-07:00

If you have been by in the last few days than you've probably experienced the same problem I'm having. Blogger isn't loading the page properly so you are not able to read what I've written and I am so sorry.

I am frustrated with Blogger but have no plans to take any actions to move to another platform. I am not sure what to do other than to let you know that I know it's an issue.

Love
xo

What I Loved (Wed, Sept 28)

2011-09-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get this written all day! Busy day in the office. My boss is heading to Europe for work for 2 weeks and there is MUCH to do before he goes. Holy macaroni!!

I am going to dispense with the preamble because there is so much amazingness to share with you from the past 2 weeks! Holy moly! I had to pare things down there was so much!

Let's get started shall we?

Here's what I loved in the last little while:

1. I stumbled upon this video somewhere along the way, and I LOVE nothing more than to find an awesome and inspiring TED video. Try Something New is amazing! It's only about 3 minutes long so don't worry about taking too much time to watch, and it's very simple. Since watching it, my friend J and I have started our own 30 day challenge and we're doing awesome. I don't drink pop or juice, mostly just water and at some point during the summer I started drinking pop again. I was enjoying it a little bit too much. So part of my 30 day challenge is no more pop. It's been awesome. But watch the video and then let's chat about what you might want to do. I'd love to have a challenge with folks online to keep eachother going.

2. I think the very next day after posting the last What I Loved, I came across Go To El and a post called "Swimming Against the Tide". I loved it so much I was going to go back and edit and share it in the last post. But you know what? Good things are worth waiting for. This would be one of those.

3. After a bit of an absence I'm thrilled to see my friend Emily back online and blogging over at Broke Down Artist. She wrote a beautifully authentic post called "I Can Cry if I Want To" on her birthday and it makes me want to hug her even more.

4. If you want to laugh and laugh hard, you have to go and see these photos of these Very Confusing Signs. I nearly peed I was laughing so hard.

5. I don't know if you had a chance to read my guest post over at Simply Leap, but I had to share this with you. It's quite possibly one of the best things I've ever read. And I know I say that often..but every time I say it..I MEAN IT! Please Accept This Compliment. After you've read it...tell me..did you see yourself in it? I bet you did...

6. You wouldn't necessarily tie the two together, but out of death emerges something beautiful and Kind Over Matter captured it amazingly well with a guest post by Satya Colombo, called "The Greatest Gift Of All".

7. And finally, Jo Anna Rothman is responsible for The Receiving Project which I think is one of my personal favorite projects ever. And about a week ago she featured a post called "In Support of Curves" that speaks to all women no matter what. It sure as heck did me.

I love sharing all these amazing things with you, so if ever there is something that you find that you think I'll love and you think it needs to make the list, pass it onto me via @lolaspeaking on Twitter or on The Adventures of Cinderita fanpage on FB. I'd love to include it if it moves me or inspires me! I think you get the general idea of the things I love to share with you.

And starting next month, I will be doing a post (not sure how often) where I share your favorite posts. You send me the link via email, twitter or FB of a post that you came across that you loved, and I'll share it here in a post that has yet to be titled. A great way to showcase awesome bloggers and share material we/i might not otherwise see. (The only rule is it can't be your own post).

Love

Value Mis-Match

2011-09-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

How do I even begin to share my experience of late, when I'm having a hard time even finding the words for it?

So many times I've opened up a new post to write something and then I just haven't. Yesterday, I went down to my favorite lunch time spot - Clover Point, because we had a major storm and I didn't have anything to do at lunch other than to go and sit in my car and watch the waves crashing against the rocks, and I wrote something while I was down there.

I finished it and then realized that maybe that wasn't at all what I wanted to share.

Ever do that? Write something and then realize that it really isn't at all what you wanted to share?

So if you've had a chance to read the last few posts here and a couple of guest posts that I've written recently, I think you may have figured out that I'm in the midst of something...shifting of priorities perhaps. I don't know what to call it. But for the first time in my life I feel as though I've stopped moving. I feel as though I'm lying in the middle of a giant field, with my arms and legs splayed open just staring up at the sun...

Sort of like when I bird flies into the wind...I feel like that. The birds have a hard time when they are working too hard against the wind and flapping their wings..but if they just open up their wings and let the wind carry them, it works better for them. I suppose it's safe to say that every few years, we do shed a skin. If we are aware and we want to continue to grow...stuff happens that forces us to reevaluate our lives. At least that's how it is for me.

I have never in my life experienced being as peaceful am I right now. Not getting that job, may have been the best thing that could've happened for me. I now have a new relationship with a friend of mine who I feel as though I never even knew before. He has become someone I know that I can count on. There is someone who has been in my life for a very very VERY long time who seems to slowly be transitioning out and it's okay. Sometimes we find ourselves in different places, and there's no telling when we'll come back together, but I know that this is someone that I have loved more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. And always will.

Recently I learned about value mis-matches.

I didn't even know that term existed until I had a chat with a friend. And he explained it to me. When 2 people or 2 organizations etc. are not aligned in their values, the result is a value mis-match. As soon as he explained it to me, it summed up so much that has happened recently. I only wish I had known about the term before. Value mis-match = resulting in constant struggles and conflicts. Kind of sums up every relationship (with a man) I've ever had. Pretty simple when it's put that way isn't it?

We don't all believe in the same things. We don't all stand for the same things. And we definitely don't think the same way.

And yet, we're not often willing to say what we do stand for, or what we do believe in...or what we think.

I think what's happened for me recently is, now that I've finally had the courage to speak what's really true for me, in my heart, in the deepest part of me...there isn't anything for me to do. I spend so much of my life doing and moving and going and I don't often stop just to allow the experience to wash over me.

So that's what I've been doing. Allowing the experience to wash over me.

The experience of being peaceful.

And I feel like I don't really have much to share now that I'm just really being peaceful...no more pretending. No more pretense. No more facade. Just me. Open. Vulernable. Real. Accessible.

It's an awesome place to be...

Hard to believe I've had peaceful hanging in the closet all these years, but it never occurred to me to try it on...

Until now.

Hope all is well in your world.

Love
xo

Feature Friday - Women, We Shall Overcome

2011-09-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday! Hooray for Friday. It’s Friday and it’s been awhile since I’ve had the pleasure of introducing you to a (virgin) guest blogger. You know how much I love those notches on my blogging bed post... (not to brag or anything, but there are an awful lot of notches). One of my most favourite new bloggers who I discovered not that long ago is Lola, over at Women, We Shall Overcome. Anytime I get a notification that she’s left a comment, I must admit, I get a little giddy. She makes me laugh consistently, and she’s been known to bring me to tears once or twice. She writes completely anonymously and bears a striking resemblance to Johnny Depp..or better still...Captain Jack.

Please. A warm welcome for Lola, on her first (and hopefully NOT her last) visit to Cinderitaville. _____________________

Gentle Readers,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Lola, from Women, We Shall Overcome. Cinderita has very graciously allowed me to guest post today, and I hardly had to beg at all.

(*Personal note to Cinderita not to be read by anyone else. The check is in the mail. You are a tough negotiator.)

So here we are in Cinderitaville, but not so very long ago I was on holiday in the Bay Area of California. I visited Oakland, Berkeley, and San Francisco and had a wonderful time.
While in Berkeley, Kind Companion and I were driving along and I spotted a place that made me screech “STOP THE CAR!”

When Kind Companion finished beating me over the head with her purse because I made her think there was an emergency and she stopped so suddenly she almost caused a ten-car pileup. I said, “Look at that place. It reminds me of Cinderita.”

Kind Companion is an intelligent yet foolish person who does not read blogs and does not understand Cinderita’s importance in my life so she was pissed off at me for the rest of the day and continued to chase me around, trying to smack any part of me she could reach, but when you see the picture I took, you will understand why I thought of Cinderita.

Yes!! It’s Cafe Gratitude and on the side of the awning, the big question is “What are you grateful for?”

Cinderita is the kind of woman who can find the emerald ring at the bottom of a pile of dog poop. She sees the good in every experience, and helps me think about how I can learn and grow.

And Cinderita is always grateful.

So, I decided this post would be about gratitude, and specifically, what I am grateful for.

I’ve had a lot of crap happen recently, like getting divorced after 32 years, and not being able to find a job, and sometimes, maybe more often than not, I have difficulty remembering gratitude.
Therefore, I have come up with three excellent reasons to be grateful and here they be:

1. God. Need I say more? Of course. I’m Lola. I love the sound of my own voice and the sight of my own words on a page. Anyhoo, when I can’t sleep at night, praying to Him comforts me. When I’m anxious during the day, reading Psalms lifts me up. Going to His church prepares me for the week to come. How can I be lonely when I have a Heavenly Father? How can I be fearful when I have a Savior? My favourite verse is “in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). Words are power. Words and I have been engaged in a love affair for years. I love the sound of words. The way they roll trippingly off the tongue. Their many meanings. How we can use their power to bring joy rather than cause pain. So that’s my favourite verse, and I think of it often.
2. Divorce. Thank God my husband divorced me. If he hadn’t, he would be sitting in front of this computer, ignoring me, and I would be cowering in a chair, trying to be invisible, trying fruitlessly to please him. I seldom had the opportunity to use HIS computer, which became mine in the divorce settlement, but only because he didn’t want it. Now I can research all sorts of subjects that interest me, write poetry, and blog. If I want to write a blog post at 3am, my jammies and I are online by 3:05.
I went straight from my parents’ home to my husband’s home. I never got to own my Self. Now, no one watches over my shoulder, judging everything I do and finding it lacking. Only God gets to judge me. I’m convinced I’m headed for Heaven and that God absolutely loves Women, We Shall Overcome. His favourite post was the one with the pictures of the penis-shaped cookies called Summertime Will Be a Love-in There because God has a sense of humour. He created me didn’t he?
3. Blogging. I often tell people I blog so I don’t have to spend money on a therapist. No therapist has ever helped me as much as blogging does. Blogging is free, and I get all my craziness and happiness and anger and depression out in the open. Then I can live to survive another day. Best of all is the blogging community. I love the way we support one another, make each other laugh, commiserate when needed. Fellow Bloggers, you are the sifting sands of teh shore rolling with my tempestuous sea (whoa there Lola, that sounds pretty sappy). How about this? You are the chocolate syrup on my vanilla ice cream. You are the icing on my cake. You are the sprinkles on my sugar cookie.

Hmmm....all these references to food, I must be hungry.

But, before I head to the kitchen for my evening cookies and milk, always eaten after I change into my jammies (the ones with the feet), let’s do sweet and sappy one more time. God gave mea divorce. A divorce gave me blogging. Blogging gave me you, my friends, the stars in God’s night sky. I love stars. Starry Night is my favourite painting and I am extremely grateful for each and every one of you special stars.

Infinities of Love
Lola

Live Like You Mean It

2011-09-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

I am thoughtfully working on a post for tomorrow, something I'd love to share with you and to hear your thoughts on the matter...

and while I do that, I hope you'll indulge me and go and check out my guest post over at Simply Leap for the Live Like You Mean it (LYMI) series.

A Dead Raccoon and Happily Ever After

It took me a long time to write it and it's always scary to lay your heart out isn't it?

I hope you'll go over and check it out.

Happy Tuesday.

Love

Dear (Future) Love

2011-09-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

Just now, as I sat at my desk, the idea of writing you a letter came to me, and I immediately started to cry. I guess that means it’s a good idea to write it.

You probably don’t know this, but I think of you often. At least a couple of times a day. Sometimes it puts a smile on my face, and other times, my heart starts to beat faster. But without fail, you come to mind every day.

I want to apologize to you first. I am so sorry for eluding you all this time. I’m sorry for not letting you in all those times that you wanted me to. I’m sorry for holding you at arm’s length thinking I needed to protect myself. I’m especially sorry for pretending like I didn’t want you. That couldn’t have felt very good. I want you to know that I have wanted you, I’m fairly certain since I was old enough to dream you up. I apologize for all the times you tried to get close to me and I didn’t let you. For all the times I found something wrong or something to criticise or simply did something on my own because it was easier for me.

I apologize for pretending like you didn’t matter to me. I am so sorry if I ever left you with the experience that you weren’t important. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just didn’t know any better. I thought I needed to do it by myself. I thought that was the only way I could survive in this world. I pretended for so long I convinced myself that you weren’t important to me because I could barely be with just how important you were to me. And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all those times that you wanted to help and I wouldn’t let you. For all those times that you wanted to have my back and I just didn’t trust you to be that person for me. I’m sorry if you ever felt useless or helpless. So many times I fought with the thoughts in my heart that wanted nothing more than to cry and ask for help, vs. the voices in my head that were continuing to convince me I didn’t need you.

Mostly, I’m sorry that I never made room in my heart for you. I didn’t know how. I wasn’t ready. I have so many reasons why I never did or never wanted to, and none of them make sense anymore. And all I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of those reasons that seemed good enough. I realize now that none of them were good enough because they were all at the expense of you.

I just didn’t know.

I was afraid to let you love me.

I just wasn’t ready. I honestly don’t even know if I’m ready now...but nothing I do can convince me to keep pretending that I’m not ready, or that being with you isn’t what matters to me. I’m just sorry that it’s taken me this long to figure it out. That it’s taken this long to get to that point, where there is nowhere else for me go. There’s no more pretending for me to do.

I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what it means to be in love and to share my life with someone, but I know I want to. More than anything else in this whole wide giant, expansive world. I don’t even know if I can share my life with someone. If I have what it takes? Or if I know what it is like to love someone with my whole self. I know that there have been times in my life when I thought I knew. Times when I thought that I was in love. That wasn’t love. That was whatever that was at the time. That was more pretending. That was more smoke screen. I have never shared my life with anyone. I’m not sure that I can, and I know I don’t know how, but I hope you’ll give me a chance.

Soon.

Love with my whole heart,
Rita

PS I don’t want to spend another day without you. Please hurry.

What I Loved (Wed, Sept 14)

2011-09-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

*I had this post all written and hit publish and got an error message, not even a draft saved anywhere. Oh Blogger how I hate you.

So today is What I Loved Wednesay and I have so much love to share with you.

First let me just tell you, I've cried and cried and cried a lot this week. You might recall that I had shared I was practicing being open and vulnerable? Well let me tell you..I'm getting really good at it. So much so that I cry all the time. Mostly because I get moved by so much. Holy moly. I cry at the drop of a hate these days. I even cried at the dentist's office. I got 3 of the best hugs there. One of the gals, Brenda, she's my dental hygeniest, she came in early so she could hug me before her 1st patient. Then there's Jodi whom I adore, who always greets me with a "hello beautiful" everytime I go in, she always hugs well and then my new hug for today was Lorraine. The dental assistant who took a few x-rays of my teeth this morning. Love them. So yah..I cried.

It all started yesterday when my friend Dawn posted something so beautiful on the Hugging fanpage. Have a look if you haven't seen it. That got me started and I never really stopped. Even when I came home to find a dead raccoon (one that had been there for quite some time, perahps under the hedge that I just had trimmed) in my front yard. Ugh. I didn't cry because the raccoon was dead. I cried because now I have to get rid of it. I'd rather have someone do that for me. Anyway, my point being that I have cried a lot.

AND especially when I find amazing things to share with you.

Let's let the love flow shall we?

1. No What I Loved post would be complete without a new favorite song, so let's start with one shall we? This one I discovered when I watched the season finale of Rookie Blue. I love the show for many reasons and the primary one is the music they introduce. Amazing!

2. Since the National radio interview last weekend, I have had a lot of new fans on the fanpage, and new followers on Twitter, and just lots of really great things happening, and one of those great things is having discovered a fellow by the name of Daniel Collinsworth aka mettadrum He has quickly found his way onto my list of favorites, and I hope you'll stop by and say hi. He blogs too! So he's one of us! Go and say and tell him Rita sent you.

3. I recently discovered a site called revolution.is and am madly in love with it. Especially with AJ Leon's latest post called Grab a Machete and Hack Down Your Own Path. I cried. (of course.)

4. Who hasn't been on a 1st date? What lessons did you learn? Go see what The Gray Area Blog has to say about Lessons Learned on a 1st Date.

5. And of course, who doesn't have a proverbial box of mementos of relationships past? Good ones...bad ones...thankfully ours don't show up in the form of a ghost at Christmas time. But I think The Hopeful Romantic did a pretty great job in capturing it all with Museum of Broken Relationships.

6. Tamarisk Saunders-Davies said it perfectly when she wrote How to Get your Fierce Back and Stop Being Nice.

7. Toy With me - a new blog I discovered and love everything about it, wrote an amazing post about sex. Sex. *sigh*. Sex After a Dry Spell. Hope it makes you smile.

8. And my very favorite post EVER...the BEST thing I've EVER read...EVER (so far) is one that Julien wrote over at In Over Your Head called The Short and Sweet Guide to Being Fucking Awesome. (You know I must love it because I didn't even censor the title). There can never be enough awesomeness in the world...If you love it..please share it forward.

I hope your day is filled with all things awesome.

Love

Stumped

2011-09-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

I have been trying, without success, to share with you some stuff, for about 4 days. I have written and deleted so many times I've lost count.

I am stumped.

I don't know what to tell you.

I am working on a guest blog post for Simply Leap and think i'm worried about getting it right, so can't seem to write about anything. It's about Leaping with Intention, and I am drawing a blank on what to write about. *shakes head*.

I am supposed to be finishing my chapter for a book a friend of mine is writing about women's intuition and I haven't finished it yet.

I have things to share with you, and it's like I can't find the words. They seem to be stuck..somewhere between my belly and my mouth.

I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment. I have been for about 2 days. Out of sorts as to what my next move is going to be. Do I want to start my own business? Something that scares me more than I originally thought.

Last night I had a conversation with my friend Jon and he said something that completely altered my view of my life up to now. I hadn’t realized that I’d been waiting my entire life to hear it..until he said it.

He said “Rita, I have your back if you let me.”

Before he said that, he asked how I was doing, and I said that I was a bit out of sorts, but not necessarily in a bad way. Just something was out for me. Something didn’t “feel” quite right. I told him that I’ve just been hanging out in not knowing what my next “move” is going to be for my life. Which is a weird place for me to be. He just kept nodding his head...I guess I wasn’t really telling him anything he didn’t already know or had experienced.

Then I said that I was tossing around the idea of maybe starting my own business. Maybe I could start my own events and marketing company. I have all the experience I need and I’m good at it. He smiled and said “I think that’s a great idea.” He said “Rita, you can do anything. Ever since I’ve known you, you can do anything you want. When I think of you, I always think Oh yah, Rita can do that. She can do anything.” Until he said that, I hadn’t realized that perhaps I didn’t live with that same belief. But who does? Aren’t we all afraid of things? Don’t we all have demons we’d rather not face? Things that we think we can’t do? Things that we’d rather not take on because we might fail – in an EPIC way?

And then I said...”I don’t think I can do it. I have this thing that it’s not a good idea to start a business on my own. That it makes more sense to start one with a partner. Someone who would cover off the mortgage if the business didn’t do well. Someone who would have my back all the time.”

I felt myself getting pretty emotional when I said that, and then he said “Rita. I have your back if you let me.”

And now, I don't know what to say, or do, or who to be. I'm sad, but not sure why, but mostly I think I'm scared.

And I don't even really know of what.

To be honest, that freaks me out too, because I like to know stuff...

Love
xo

Metamorphosis

2011-09-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

There's something to be said for the change in season. Leaves change colour, birds start to fly south, the mornings get quieter, darker, just a tiny bit lonelier. It reminds me (not that I've ever seen this happen) of a snake shedding it's skin. I don't know much about why snakes do that or anything, but I think it's kind of cool. It of course makes me think of a caterpillar and a butterfly...and that whole metamorphosis.

Why am I talking about snakes, caterpillars and butterflies?

Well I kind of feel like I'm experiencing my own transition at the moment.

I have been trying to think of how best to share what's been happening and I haven't been able to come up with anything...so for now...I'll just write and see what happens.

If you've been reading for awhile, you have likely come to know that it's important to me to find the perfect job...the one that will fulfill me on so many levels and provide me with a lifestyle I can enjoy and love and prosper in.

Of course, not getting what I thought was the dream job last Monday knocked me off the rails for a couple of days. I think I mentioned I cried for 2 days and then I allowed myself to be disappointed. That's a rare occurrence so once I did that, I wasn't quite sure where to go from there. By Friday, I was done being disappointed. It wasn't that I was done like...resentful. No. I chose. I knew I didn't want to spend too much time being disappointed, but I also knew I wanted to really give myself that experience. Friday morning, I woke up and I was done. I highly recommend that process, by the way. It's quite effective.

And by Monday something else started to happen. Like the trajectory of my life suddenly changed...my priorities were starting to shift but I didn't know. I had been given an assignment by my coach and I had promised I'd send it to her by Tuesday. Well, although I thought about it, I didn't do the homework. So when I emailed her on Tuesday, I just let her know that I hadn't done it and that I didn't know why, other than I wasn't inspired to do it. I wasn't inspired to do the homework (which was to make a list of actions/tasks that I could take to start my own business) because...and at this point I didn't know what I was going to say...but the words just flowed out of my fingers...I didn't want to do one more thing in my life on my own.

There. I'd said it. The proverbial cat was out of the bag. I went onto say that I had spent my entire adult life proving that I could do all the things I've done. Living this big life and doing all these amazing things. I have loved it...and I have hated it. There have been times when I've never felt more alive, and there have been times when I didn't want to get out of bed. I have been living my life full of drive and clarity and ambition...all the while, unknowingly pretending to want all that stuff, when all I really want...is to be taken care of. To share my life with someone.

No more doing things on my own. No more having to drill holes, or fix nails popping up in my hardwood floors. No more having to deal with the guys at the car dealership, or traveling alone. No more planning vacations alone. No more weddings alone. No more Thursday nights sitting in the dark writing...alone.

Just no more.

I think the arranged marriage really did something to fuel that. I can't be certain and you might be saying "duh!" but I can't be certain...however, it seems likely that because my parents told me that I needed to be taken care of and that no one was going to want me if I didn't let them make the choice for me, and all of those other things that they said thinking they were doing what was best for me...I think I took on some belief. Like "I'm going to prove to you that i can have a great life and not need to be taken care of."

I can't say for certain, but it sounds like it's kind of accurate.

So for the past forever years I have bought a house on my own, I have taken care of my house on my own, I have a contractor and a gardener, I have a roofer and an electrician..all those people that one should have if they own their own home. I have traveled extensively, I have lived big, I have leapt big, I have crashed and burned and I have taken risks. I have driven fast, I have done all the things that someone would do living the life that I live.

Alone.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because something is shifting. Something is happening. It doesn't feel dramatic or hard or any of those things. It just feels...like...a metamorphosis.

I have spent my entire life proving I could, and pretending I didn't.

I feel like all those things, as awesome as they have all been, have distracted me from the thing that I really want. Ironically enough, to be taken care of. I just didn't want it the way my parents did it. So, I put on this front and have lived this independent life.

Well, quite frankly this post is to declare the Bank of Independence bankrupt. There isn't anything left to prove. There is nothing else for me to do.

I want to fall in love, and I want to be loved. Preferably by the same person.

That's all.

Do you know what's different about me sharing this with you? Because I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am going to wake up in the morning feeling great, just like I do every morning. I'm going to go to my chair dance (aka lap dance) class tomorrow, and the beer party on Saturday and hang out on the beach with my friend "bill" while we celebrate my celebrity status with the National radio show on Sunday. I'm going to do all those things. I am going to be basically the same person.

Feeling sorry for myself is unnecessary. I have nothing to feel sorry for myself for. My life is awesome.

What this is...is me...stating a fact.

I want to share my life with someone awesome.

Full Stop.

Love

The Beautiful Truth

2011-09-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Although there are so many things I could write about today, the one thing I am inspired to share with you about is about my friend Jason.

My heart is filled with gratitude and appreciation for someone who is in my life who I really want to spend some time acknowledging and I really hope that you will indulge me and let me share about him.

Today is Jason's birthday. And I can honestly say that my life would not be what it is today if he were not a part of it. Funny how someone special can have a birthday and we are the one's who end up feeling like we got the gift...because we get to have them in our lives.

Jason and I met at some point in 2007 and have been friends ever since. He is like a compass for me...sometimes he gets off course and he calls. Sometimes he doesn't. He is one of the first people I think of when good things happen, when bad things happen. I just think of him. He has always been an inspiration to me...He IS part of my circle of inspiration, so of course he's been an inspiration. He and I have shared a lot together. He's listened to me cry and vent and rant and rave, and all the while he's stayed true to who he is and what works for him. He's always ready with the perfect thing to say when I find myself off the rails...and that is one of my favorite things about him.

Recently, he inspired me, (and based on the birthday messages on his wall, he has inspired many) by uprooting his life in Vancouver to go to Honduras for 6 months to get his Dive Master Certification so he could start a business called Breakthrough Adventures. Where he gets to be there, coaching people through what stops them in life. How frikking awesome is that? As you can imagine, it may have been an exercise for him i busting through what stops him by packing up his belongings, saying good bye to his family and moving to Honduras.

I was very fortunate in that he came home before I went to Spain and Portugal so we got to have an inspired lunch in Vancouver one sunny afternoon on a patio where we talked about what moves us. About what inspires us. And I shared with him how inspired I am by what he had the courage to do. While he was home, he took care of a few things, and set himself up to go away again. Indefinitely. (And now he's living in Curaçao)

And then today, given that it's his birthday, he gave all of us, his friends a gift...and I'd like to share it with you:

"For each of us, eventually, whether we're ready or not, someday, it will come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days.

All the things that you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned, or owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end. It won't matter if you're beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.

So, what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. Not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those that love you.

A life lived that matters is not of circumstance, but of choice.

"Steve Kroschel, in 'The Beautiful Truth' (2008)

Jason...happy birthday my friend. Thanks for being born so we could share in your joy, and in turn, experience our own.

Love
xo